PUT IT ALL ON RED

• Longest streak Bill Belicheck has continuously worn the same sweatshirt without anyone noticing: 514 days
• Number of squirrels used to make one Superbowl hot dog: 4
• Number of downs before Marshawn Lynch touches his crotch and we decide that that’s inappropriate, even though we were pretty cool for a while with a guy knocking his fiance unconscious: 6
• Last time Troy Aikman was sober before going on air: November 5, 2010
• Number of footballs Pete Carroll can fit in his mouth if he tries: 2
• Number of washing machines the NFL robot tried to hump during the commercial break: 3 (and Erin Andrews)
• Longest field goal attempted by an actual seahawk: 9 yards
• Average number of concussions or Katy Perry halftime shows before brain damage sets in: 1

• If you must serve someone, serve truth. If you must slay someone, slay ignorance. If you must order a six-foot-long party sandwich, order from Subway.
• To obtain peace, you must know yourself. Or Bob, the dealer who lives next door.
• Once, an old man inquired, “How are you so wise?” And I replied, “Shut up, Dad, I’m trying to watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge.”
• May the spirit of the world flow through you, like the suds through that bad-ass beer bong we made for Randy’s party.
• You can always find happiness, when you have a bod like this.
• Man does not live on bread alone. Man lives on bread and Sour Punch Straws.
• I do not do my laundry. The man who hit me with his car in my apartment complex’s parking garage does my laundry. Always settle outside of court.
• Always show compassion. On an unrelated note, can I borrow $20?

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

• Someone’s bean a little too naughty.
• You’ve been beet.
• I know just how to dill with you.
• Better make peas with your God.
• I’ll never re-lentil’ you’re defeated.
• Give my regards to seitan.
• Your body’s about to be a little leek-y
• Looks like you’ll die and olive
• Guess your little caper has come to an end
• I will enjoy squashing you with the large crate of squash that is about to fall on your head.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

• What place are you urgently trying to get out of and why?
• Don’t you find it presumptuous to tell someone not to misunderstand you?
• Why are you crying?
• Who originally wrote House of the Rising Sun?

• Live in the moment more, like when you’re sucking at cross country practice.
• Be more adventurous fashion-wise! There’s only so much photoshopping I can do to make you look ugly, so help me out by wearing some high-waisted jeans.
• Organize your time better so that I know exactly when you will be online, furiously rebutting my claims that you are half-Sasquatch.
• Eat healthier, and by that I mean develop an eating disorder.
• Cultivate your relationships. Tell Brian Johnson you have a crush on him! Then he can tell you how he’s in a hot cyber relationship with a girl who lives two states over and just can’t find the time to visit him (me).
• Meditate. For real, it’s just a really good idea.

• White acceptable after Labor Day
• Bikinis considered “business casual”
• Minnesota habitable
• Lower Manhattan now surfable
• No more polar bears getting in your garbage
• Thriving oncology industry
• More opportunities to play Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three’s “The Roof Is on Fire” at parties
• Penguins knocked down a peg
• With no storage space, Santa forced to give away all the presents at once
• Rise of “Sun’s Out, Guns Out” parties
• Jamaican bobsled team finally has a shot at gold
• Rise of “Greenhouse Gases Out, Asses Out” parties
• Frosty the Snowman replaced by badass counterpart Flamey the Incredibly Dangerous Wildfire
• Roger Barnes, 31, becomes People’s Hottest Man Alive with temperature of 112 degrees

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek