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Category: Ask Some Guy

Ask Some Girl Who Is the Only One Alive Who Remembers the Prophecy

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Hey there, GWIOOAWRP,
I was at the store yesterday, and this guy came up to me and started talking to me. I’d say he was flirting with me, but it was hardly even flirting – he was actually trying to have a real conversation with me, you know? Anyway, he seems pretty great, and at the end of the conversation he gave me his number! I want to call him…but a small, silly part of me feels like he seems too good to be true, and I don’t want to soil that perfect experience by meeting him again later and finding out about all his flaws. Am I just being ridiculous? Or is there something reasonable about wanting to keep a perfect experience with someone pure by leaving it untouched by future interactions? And, most importantly: should I call him?
All the best,
Preserving Pure Perfection

Dear Preserving,
Bless the Goddess Above and Below – this is the man mentioned in the stories of old! Many moons ago, it was foretold that a beautiful man would approach a young woman between the sections of produce and dairy and talk to her of things other than her own appearance, before finally giving her the number of his telephone. The prophecy says the woman would call him, and they would have many more conversations, until one day, they would meet and have an enjoyable afternoon in a small Greek diner. So go! Call the number the man gave you…and the prophecy will be fulfilled!


How’s it going, GWIOOAWRP?
Every year at my college, the Electrical Engineering and Chemical Engineering departments compete in a friendly game of baseball. I’m team captain, and my best friend is shortstop. The other day we actually had a team practice, though, and to be frank, he’s awful. The game’s no big deal – I care a lot more about our friendship than winning – but a lot of the people on the team say that I should replace him with Natalie, who actually played on her high school softball team. What do you think? Should I risk hurting my friend by telling him he’s not up to snuff, or should I just take a “let’s all just have fun” approach and risk annoying a lot of the other people in my major?
Signed,
Calculating Captain but Faithful Friend

Dear Calculating,
Bring her to me, this Natalie. Play her in your game of balls and bases, for it is clear, now, that she is the one who is mentioned in the prophecy! Many have foretold – and more forgotten – of a young girl, one who has played many games of balls ever-so-soft, who will come to a team of electrical engineers in their time of great need. Seventeen outs will come to pass by her hand, including the last, which will bring you and your engineers glory, just when it seems beyond your grasp. So have her pitch for you, fulfill the prophecy, and bring you and your comrades victory!


Hi GWIOOAWRP,
Lately I’ve been noticing that no matter what settings I use on the dishwasher, the dishes almost never come out completely clean. I’ve been trying to get the kids to rinse their plates off before they put them in the sink, but Jenna (my wife) thinks that I should just try using “Clenzer,” the brand-name dish detergent her mom used when she was a kid. Do you have any advice? Should I have the kids put in a little extra work, or should I spend an extra fifteen bucks a month on a fancy dish detergent?
Best,
Parent with a Plate-Peeve

Dear Parent,
I scarce believe my ears. Surely I must be dreaming, for where, but in dreams, would any say they had heard even the faintest rumor of Clenzer, the dish detergent spoken of in the prophecy! Long ago it was foretold that one detergent would rise up and stand against the might of even the most devilish dirty dishes. Waves of its divine suds would crash over casserole dishes and froth and flow around pots and pans alike, washing away their filth and leaving them as dishes reborn. This detergent would be a savior to scrubbers enslaved by stubborn specks of stew, and a guardian against the most egregious grime. Now, it appears that our detergent has come at last. It is Clenzer… Defender of the Dish Washers!


Dear GWIOOAWRP,
Last May, I graduated from Princeton with a degree in Economics. Now I’m three months into a consulting job at Bain and Company in Boston, MA. The money is good and I love the city, but when I left college, I think I had expected to my life to have a bit more purpose. I always thought I was supposed to change the world. I’m considering leaving my job to do something with a bit more meaning, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just being foolishly sentimental. Can I really make a difference in the world? Do you think, just maybe…I’m even meant to?
Signed,
Pleading for Purpose

Dear Pleading,
That is the stupidest, naivest, vainest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

Ask Some Guy Who Only Gives Advice Through Anecdotes From “The Land Before Time”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Hi GWOGATATLBT,
A month ago, I met this really amazing guy. He was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, but as the weeks went by, I started to feel like there was something missing. We just didn’t connect; we shared the same values, but none of the same interests. Anyway, we recently went our separate ways, and I just can’t help but wonder…is there something wrong with me? I mean, he seemed so perfect for me; if I couldn’t manage to connect with him, will I ever really connect with anyone?
Needing encouragement,
Drained from Dating

Dear Drained,
Your situation sounds like that scene from the beloved children’s movie The Land Before Time, where Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie, and Spike are all looking for the fabled “Great Valley” and find a small valley filled with lush, green trees. They all think that they’ve found their destination, but then a group of hungry longnecks rush into the clearing and eat everything. But you know what? That wasn’t the Great Valley; the Great Valley was still out there. And the person who’s right for you is still out there, too. You just have to keep searching for him.


Hey GWOGATATLBT,
Me and my roommates have always gotten along perfectly, but a few weeks ago one of them said some pretty nasty stuff to the rest of us, and we kind of all mutually agreed that he needed to move out. He’s been living with his boyfriend while he looks for another place, but these past few days the rest of us have been wondering if we overreacted – he said some mean stuff, but then again, we did, too. We think we’d like to give living with him another chance, but we don’t really know how to welcome him back into the fold. What do you think: how do we tell our ex-roommate we want to be friends again, after we literally kicked him out of our home?
Awaiting your advice,
Regretful Roomie

Dear Regretful,
Fights occur in every friend group: for example, I remember when the friend group in The Land Before Time had a fight, and all of the other dinosaurs ended up leaving Littlefoot to try to their own way to the Great Valley. But what you have to remember is that at the end of the day, Littlefoot ends up coming back to the other dinosaurs when he sees that they still want him there – specifically, because they need to be saved from falling into molten lava, sinking into tar pits, and being mauled by territorial dome-heads. I’m sure if you show your ex-roommate that you want him to come back, he’ll return, too.


Dear GWOGATATLBT,
My 6-year-old son always loved watching the movie We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story. It’s about a group of intelligent dinosaurs in modern-day New York and get into all sorts of antics – you know the drill. But about a week ago he broke the DVD, and I can’t find a new copy anywhere, not even online. He’s been really upset; do you think there’s any new children’s movie that he might enjoy enough to take his mind off how much he misses We’re Back!?
Thanks,
Movie-Mother

Dear Movie-Mother,
Your son seems like he’s probably experiencing the same loss Littlefoot experienced in The Land Before Time, when he saw his mother get attacked by a carnivorous Sharptooth, sustaining several neck and back injuries before finally passing away. However, even though Littlefoot really missed his mother, he’s still able to find a loving family in his friends, and also his grandparents, who he’s reunited with in the Great Valley. Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that your son will eventually find another children’s movie that makes him as happy as We’re Back! once did. Have you considered Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey?

Ask Some Guy Who Totally Forgot to Get a Costume for Anna’s Party Tonight

by Jordy Greenblatt

Hi GWTFGCAPT,
I had been unsuccessfully dating online for over a year now until a week ago when this very cute guy sent me a message that was thoughtful and funny. I responded and we sent a bunch of messages back and forth and, long story short, we have a date for tomorrow night. Obviously, that’s all good stuff. Here’s the thing: I know he’s interested in me, but he’s interested in the version of me that he gleaned from my profile and messages. I’m terrified that we’ll meet and he’ll find “the real me” boring. Should I go over my profile really carefully to make sure I match his expectations or should I just show up and hope for the best?
Yours,
In The Flesh?

Dear Flesh,
The online part of your relationship is over. Those messages were just a warmup for tomorrow night’s game so, if it turns out he’s not into “the real you,” there’s no point in faking it. Throw in the towel if the guy is only interested in your online persona. So, even though it sounds stupid, just be yourself. Actually do you think that would work as a concept costume? People would be like, “Hey what are you supposed to be?” And I’ll sigh and say, “Whenever I ask my mom for help in social situations she tells me to be just be myself. Why did I call her for help for a costume party?!?” I bet someone would think that was really clever but most people would probably just call me a douchebag.


Hey GWTFGCAPT,
You gotta help me, man. My brother gave the Frozen DVD to my daughter for her birthday and she won’t stop watching it. Every other day I try to put a different movie on but she just screams like a goddamn banshee until I put Frozen back on. What do I do?
Desperately,
Brainfrozen

Dear Brainfrozen,
There are much bigger parenting problems than an obsession phase. It will pass eventually and, in the meantime, your little girl is getting a strong role model in Elsa. Oh holy shit! I could be Elsa! And when people ask how I know Anna I’ll just respond totally deadpan, “Oh, we’re sisters.” Plus I can tell people to “Let It Go” when they’re being annoying. This is gonna be awesome! Now all I have to do is find a large men’s Queen Elsa costume in the 20 minutes before the party…

Ask Some Guy Who’s Really Not Sure What Was in That Bottle

by Jordy Greenblatt

Hi GWRNSWWTB,
My organic chemistry final is a month away and I’m freaking out. My adviser said that if I don’t do well enough, I basically won’t have a serious shot at med school. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was 12 but the stress in the last two years has been almost too much to handle. I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter but all I can think now is that if I work my ass off every day for a month straight, the reward is basically this level of stress for the next 10 years. Do you think the stress is just making me melodramatic or am I onto something?
Signed,
This is NOT What the Doctor Ordered

Dear Ordered,
I don’t think you’re just stressed; this is serious moment for reflection. More to the point, you probably won’t get much studying done if you’re constantly distracted by the lurking question of your future. It’s worth taking a night off from studying to sit down, organize your priorities, and decide upfront whether you’re going to take this test seriously or if the pain simply isn’t worth the gain. If you decide to stick with it, I have some chemistry advice for you: always label your bottles. A lot of things look like water but then turn out to smell like liquid tar and taste even worse and then your buddy convinces you that it smells fine to him and then you drink it and then you feel a little funny and your toes are numb and then you respond to your advice column inbox and then you start to realize your brain’s not going at full capacity and your desk is spinning. Definitely don’t do that thing I just said.


What’s up GWRNSWWTB,
It’s my dad’s birthday next weekend and he really wants me to drive home. The trouble is that would be a six hour drive each way for like a 20 hour visit and I’ll probably be carsick the whole damn time. I guess what I want to know is, which one of us is being selfish?
Your thoughts?
Suffering Son

Dear Suffering,
No matter how old you are, yuor dad will always see you as his boy, at least a lttile bit so you–guggg… oh God, hold on… wait… okay, it’s just asid reflux. Anyway, whether you live in his bamesent or halfway acros the globe, he’ll never see you 1000 persent as ur own person. You need to asks yurslef if you feel the same way. If you stillll lean on him alot and luke to him for spuport, maybe you need to humer him. Owrtehsie you just gotta tell it like it isss.


Dear GWRNSWWTB,
I love cooking and I’m considering trying to brew my own beer as a new challenge. That said, I have a lot on my plate at the moment (no pun intended), and I constantly feel overextended. Do you think it’s going to be too much work, or is the excitement of taking on a project just what I need to energize myself?
Yours,
Pining for Pilsner but Whining about Work

der pinning,
sorrty man i cannt hlp u ifi tnhik abut alkhol, i swar il fukin puk onmy cmptr

Ask Some Guy Who’s Actually a Portobello Mushroom

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dear GWAPM,
I just got my dream job in New York, and I’m looking at apartments. My office is in the Heights, which also just so happens to be where my girlfriend lives. I’d love to be close to her and work, but she’s not ready for us to live together, and living alone that neighborhood’s a bit out of my price range. She suggested I find a roommate, but I’m not sure I could handle sharing a place with someone I don’t even know. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Homeless in the Heights

Dear Homeless,
I can see how the close proximity to your work and your girlfriend could be attractive. Still, it’s important to live within your means. I’ve found that, while not quite as hip as the Heights, the edge of a grassy clearing in the woods is a cheap alternative that’s safe and quiet. If you’re looking for somewhere that’s more “happening,” I’ve got friends who tell me they’ve met some cool people underneath flower gardens. Plus it’s colorful and there’s plenty of shade.


Dear GWAPM,
I’m a gay man, and for over a year I’ve been hopelessly in love with my best friend. There was only one problem: he liked girls…or so I thought! He recently came out to me as gay, and I feel like now is the perfect time to tell him how I feel. I want to make it a romantic moment, but I think he’s still getting used to being out, and I don’t want to scare him off. How do I set the mood without coming across as too over the top?
Yours truly,
Romantic But Realistic

Dear Romantic,
I’d recommend an activity that’s slightly romantic, but not that different from something you’d do as friends. Maybe dinner for two at your place? If you want to show him you really want to take things to a new level, try cooking something a bit fancier than usual. I recommend making a nice penne pasta, then cutting yourself and several of your relatives into small slices and mixing yourselves in with a nice cream sauce. Add garlic and thyme for flavor.
Can’t wait to hear what he says!


Dear GWAPM,
I’m a botany major at Idaho State, and this past semester my grades have been slipping. I’ve never struggled in the program before, but I’m taking a class on fungi right now, and it’s a little outside my area of expertise. Do you think you could tutor me?
Please and thank you,
Fretting about Fungus

Dear Fretting,
I’d love to tutor you! Unfortunately, I lack the proper credentials, mainly due to the fact that I am actually a Portobello mushroom. I also lack a cerebral cortex, the capacity for human speech, a reliable means of transportation, and an active bank account, which are other things I would probably need in order to be your tutor. However, many colleges hire students already well-versed in course material to tutor those who are struggling – you might talk to your academic advisor about such a possibility. Admitting you’re struggling can be hard, but you should never be afraid to ask for help!

Ask Some Guy Who’s Frantically Trying to Find His Car Keys

by Jordy Greenblatt

Dear GWFTFHCK,
I’ve been seeing this guy for like a month now and for the most part it’s going really well. He’s fun and incredibly thoughtful and sweet to me, but whenever I try to bring up dating exclusively, he just jokes it off and dodges the question. How can I get him to talk about this seriously with me but not risk scaring him off?
Sincerely,
Looking for Mr. Right

Dear Looking,
Hold that thought. Jesus, I could have sworn I had them like one minute ago. I definitely checked my pockets but I guess it can’t hurt to double check. Front pockets? No. Back pockets? No. Shit! Did I have them last in the bedroom or the kitchen? Damn, I really need to keep them in one place all the time. Sorry, what were you asking?


Hey GWFTFHCK,
My mom was pushing me like crazy all throughout college to go to law school, but I’m not sure it’s for me. I took a job as a paralegal this year because I wanted to buy some more time while I made up my mind and this was the only way to do it without her hassling me about it. At the same time, I’m not sure if this is just a juvenile rebellion and maybe I would actually like studying law. Should I start studying for the LSAT and apply this year or finally put my foot down and tell my mom that I don’t want it right now and if it’s meant to be, I can always apply in a couple years?
Yours,
Troubles With the Law

Dear Troubles,
Moms can be domineering sometimes. I’m sure she loves you and wants what she thinks is best for you, but that’s the problem. She wants what she thinks is best for you. Maybe you don’t agree. For instance my mom’s always on my case to be more polite, clean up after myself, etc. She says that’s why I’m always losing track of stuff. Oh fuck, my keys! Where the hell could they be? My place isn’t that big. I don’t care how messy it is; they could only be in a couple of places. Unless I left them in my jeans that are in the wash… Oh God, I hope not. That would be the end of my clicker for sure. Thank goodness my ignition only requires a manual key.


What’s up GWFTFHCK?
My friend Sara says I drink too much and, although I used to be able to just brush it off, lately I’ve been more concerned. In college it seemed like everyone was drinking all the time. But I’ve started to notice that my old college friends have kind of gotten their acts together a little more than I have and they don’t really spend their Friday nights getting drunk anymore. Am I over-thinking this or could this be a sign that Sara’s onto something?
Later,
Drink Up or Grow Up?

Dear Drink Up,
It’s not really a question of how much you drink (within reason); it’s more a question of how reliant you are on alcohol and how much it affects your life. If you like to kick back and have a couple of drinks at the end of the week, that’s not such a big deal. But if you feel like you can’t make it for a few days at a time without getting wasted, then maybe Sara has a point. Also, there are different kinds of drunks. If you just get loud and goofy when you drink, it’s not such a big deal. If you get violent or it starts to distract you from your responsibilities, then it’s probably time to cut back or even cut it out of your life. Wait… responsibilities. Uh oh, Jen’s flight gets in 20 minutes from now. I should have left for the airport a half hour ago. Oh God, where are those fucking keys? She is gonna go apeshit if she calls me when she lands and I still haven’t found them.


Hi GWFTFHCK,
My husband and I are looking into buying a house. He desperately wants a flashy house to make all our friends “oo” and “ah” when they come over. I think that’s out of our budget and we need to be practical, especially with the layoffs at his company. What can I say to him to get him to be more sensible?
Best,
Falling Behind the Jones’s

Dear Falling,
The most important thing is to make sure he knows that you are looking out for your collective future. Sometimes you pay too much for one thing and you can’t afford something more important. Like, I bought this cool vintage lava lamp at a yard sale last week but I’m probably gonna need that money for a new set of keys. Incidentally, you’re not looking to buy a lava lamp from your new house, are you?


Yo GWFTFHCK,
I can’t seem to find my keys. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Fellow GWFTFHCK

Dear Fellow GWFTFHCK,
No.

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