PUT IT ALL ON RED

Hey there, GWIOOAWRP,
I was at the store yesterday, and this guy came up to me and started talking to me. I’d say he was flirting with me, but it was hardly even flirting – he was actually trying to have a real conversation with me, you know? Anyway, he seems pretty great, and at the end of the conversation he gave me his number! I want to call him…but a small, silly part of me feels like he seems too good to be true, and I don’t want to soil that perfect experience by meeting him again later and finding out about all his flaws. Am I just being ridiculous? Or is there something reasonable about wanting to keep a perfect experience with someone pure by leaving it untouched by future interactions? And, most importantly: should I call him?
All the best,
Preserving Pure Perfection

Dear Preserving,
Bless the Goddess Above and Below – this is the man mentioned in the stories of old! Many moons ago, it was foretold that a beautiful man would approach a young woman between the sections of produce and dairy and talk to her of things other than her own appearance, before finally giving her the number of his telephone. The prophecy says the woman would call him, and they would have many more conversations, until one day, they would meet and have an enjoyable afternoon in a small Greek diner. So go! Call the number the man gave you…and the prophecy will be fulfilled!

How’s it going, GWIOOAWRP?
Every year at my college, the Electrical Engineering and Chemical Engineering departments compete in a friendly game of baseball. I’m team captain, and my best friend is shortstop. The other day we actually had a team practice, though, and to be frank, he’s awful. The game’s no big deal – I care a lot more about our friendship than winning – but a lot of the people on the team say that I should replace him with Natalie, who actually played on her high school softball team. What do you think? Should I risk hurting my friend by telling him he’s not up to snuff, or should I just take a “let’s all just have fun” approach and risk annoying a lot of the other people in my major?
Signed,
Calculating Captain but Faithful Friend

Dear Calculating,
Bring her to me, this Natalie. Play her in your game of balls and bases, for it is clear, now, that she is the one who is mentioned in the prophecy! Many have foretold – and more forgotten – of a young girl, one who has played many games of balls ever-so-soft, who will come to a team of electrical engineers in their time of great need. Seventeen outs will come to pass by her hand, including the last, which will bring you and your engineers glory, just when it seems beyond your grasp. So have her pitch for you, fulfill the prophecy, and bring you and your comrades victory!

Hi GWIOOAWRP,
Lately I’ve been noticing that no matter what settings I use on the dishwasher, the dishes almost never come out completely clean. I’ve been trying to get the kids to rinse their plates off before they put them in the sink, but Jenna (my wife) thinks that I should just try using “Clenzer,” the brand-name dish detergent her mom used when she was a kid. Do you have any advice? Should I have the kids put in a little extra work, or should I spend an extra fifteen bucks a month on a fancy dish detergent?
Best,
Parent with a Plate-Peeve

Dear Parent,
I scarce believe my ears. Surely I must be dreaming, for where, but in dreams, would any say they had heard even the faintest rumor of Clenzer, the dish detergent spoken of in the prophecy! Long ago it was foretold that one detergent would rise up and stand against the might of even the most devilish dirty dishes. Waves of its divine suds would crash over casserole dishes and froth and flow around pots and pans alike, washing away their filth and leaving them as dishes reborn. This detergent would be a savior to scrubbers enslaved by stubborn specks of stew, and a guardian against the most egregious grime. Now, it appears that our detergent has come at last. It is Clenzer… Defender of the Dish Washers!

Dear GWIOOAWRP,
Last May, I graduated from Princeton with a degree in Economics. Now I’m three months into a consulting job at Bain and Company in Boston, MA. The money is good and I love the city, but when I left college, I think I had expected to my life to have a bit more purpose. I always thought I was supposed to change the world. I’m considering leaving my job to do something with a bit more meaning, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just being foolishly sentimental. Can I really make a difference in the world? Do you think, just maybe…I’m even meant to?
Signed,
Pleading for Purpose

Dear Pleading,
That is the stupidest, naivest, vainest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

Hi GWOGATATLBT,
A month ago, I met this really amazing guy. He was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, but as the weeks went by, I started to feel like there was something missing. We just didn’t connect; we shared the same values, but none of the same interests. Anyway, we recently went our separate ways, and I just can’t help but wonder…is there something wrong with me? I mean, he seemed so perfect for me; if I couldn’t manage to connect with him, will I ever really connect with anyone?
Needing encouragement,
Drained from Dating

Dear Drained,
Your situation sounds like that scene from the beloved children’s movie The Land Before Time, where Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie, and Spike are all looking for the fabled “Great Valley” and find a small valley filled with lush, green trees. They all think that they’ve found their destination, but then a group of hungry longnecks rush into the clearing and eat everything. But you know what? That wasn’t the Great Valley; the Great Valley was still out there. And the person who’s right for you is still out there, too. You just have to keep searching for him.

Hey GWOGATATLBT,
Me and my roommates have always gotten along perfectly, but a few weeks ago one of them said some pretty nasty stuff to the rest of us, and we kind of all mutually agreed that he needed to move out. He’s been living with his boyfriend while he looks for another place, but these past few days the rest of us have been wondering if we overreacted – he said some mean stuff, but then again, we did, too. We think we’d like to give living with him another chance, but we don’t really know how to welcome him back into the fold. What do you think: how do we tell our ex-roommate we want to be friends again, after we literally kicked him out of our home?
Awaiting your advice,
Regretful Roomie

Dear Regretful,
Fights occur in every friend group: for example, I remember when the friend group in The Land Before Time had a fight, and all of the other dinosaurs ended up leaving Littlefoot to try to their own way to the Great Valley. But what you have to remember is that at the end of the day, Littlefoot ends up coming back to the other dinosaurs when he sees that they still want him there – specifically, because they need to be saved from falling into molten lava, sinking into tar pits, and being mauled by territorial dome-heads. I’m sure if you show your ex-roommate that you want him to come back, he’ll return, too.

Dear GWOGATATLBT,
My 6-year-old son always loved watching the movie We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story. It’s about a group of intelligent dinosaurs in modern-day New York and get into all sorts of antics – you know the drill. But about a week ago he broke the DVD, and I can’t find a new copy anywhere, not even online. He’s been really upset; do you think there’s any new children’s movie that he might enjoy enough to take his mind off how much he misses We’re Back!?
Thanks,
Movie-Mother

Dear Movie-Mother,
Your son seems like he’s probably experiencing the same loss Littlefoot experienced in The Land Before Time, when he saw his mother get attacked by a carnivorous Sharptooth, sustaining several neck and back injuries before finally passing away. However, even though Littlefoot really missed his mother, he’s still able to find a loving family in his friends, and also his grandparents, who he’s reunited with in the Great Valley. Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that your son will eventually find another children’s movie that makes him as happy as We’re Back! once did. Have you considered Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey?

Dear GWAPM,
I just got my dream job in New York, and I’m looking at apartments. My office is in the Heights, which also just so happens to be where my girlfriend lives. I’d love to be close to her and work, but she’s not ready for us to live together, and living alone that neighborhood’s a bit out of my price range. She suggested I find a roommate, but I’m not sure I could handle sharing a place with someone I don’t even know. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Homeless in the Heights

Dear Homeless,
I can see how the close proximity to your work and your girlfriend could be attractive. Still, it’s important to live within your means. I’ve found that, while not quite as hip as the Heights, the edge of a grassy clearing in the woods is a cheap alternative that’s safe and quiet. If you’re looking for somewhere that’s more “happening,” I’ve got friends who tell me they’ve met some cool people underneath flower gardens. Plus it’s colorful and there’s plenty of shade.

Dear GWAPM,
I’m a gay man, and for over a year I’ve been hopelessly in love with my best friend. There was only one problem: he liked girls…or so I thought! He recently came out to me as gay, and I feel like now is the perfect time to tell him how I feel. I want to make it a romantic moment, but I think he’s still getting used to being out, and I don’t want to scare him off. How do I set the mood without coming across as too over the top?
Yours truly,
Romantic But Realistic

Dear Romantic,
I’d recommend an activity that’s slightly romantic, but not that different from something you’d do as friends. Maybe dinner for two at your place? If you want to show him you really want to take things to a new level, try cooking something a bit fancier than usual. I recommend making a nice penne pasta, then cutting yourself and several of your relatives into small slices and mixing yourselves in with a nice cream sauce. Add garlic and thyme for flavor.
Can’t wait to hear what he says!

Dear GWAPM,
I’m a botany major at Idaho State, and this past semester my grades have been slipping. I’ve never struggled in the program before, but I’m taking a class on fungi right now, and it’s a little outside my area of expertise. Do you think you could tutor me?
Please and thank you,
Fretting about Fungus

Dear Fretting,
I’d love to tutor you! Unfortunately, I lack the proper credentials, mainly due to the fact that I am actually a Portobello mushroom. I also lack a cerebral cortex, the capacity for human speech, a reliable means of transportation, and an active bank account, which are other things I would probably need in order to be your tutor. However, many colleges hire students already well-versed in course material to tutor those who are struggling – you might talk to your academic advisor about such a possibility. Admitting you’re struggling can be hard, but you should never be afraid to ask for help!