My New Year’s Resolutions For the 14-Year-Old Girl I’m Cyberbullying

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Live in the moment more, like when you’re sucking at cross country practice.
  • Be more adventurous fashion-wise! There’s only so much photoshopping I can do to make you look ugly, so help me out by wearing some high-waisted jeans.
  • Organize your time better so that I know exactly when you will be online, furiously rebutting my claims that you are half-Sasquatch.
  • Eat healthier, and by that I mean develop an eating disorder.
  • Cultivate your relationships. Tell Brian Johnson you have a crush on him! Then he can tell you how he’s in a hot cyber relationship with a girl who lives two states over and just can’t find the time to visit him (me).
  • Meditate. For real, it’s just a really good idea.
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