PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: April, 2015

April 29, 2015

Mr. and Mrs. Stone, I Don’t Quite Know How to Tell You This, but All the Other Kids Hate Tommy and, Frankly, I Do Too

by Jordy Greenblatt

Please, have a seat. As a second grade teacher, I deal with a lot of behavioral issues and, needless to say, this is not my first parent/teacher conference of the year. I’ve seen kids stealing each other’s backpacks, cursing at teachers, putting garbage in cubbies, throwing toys, pulling hair, and even once peeing on the playground. But never in my thirty some odd years of teaching have I met a kid quite as shitty as yours.

It’s not that he acts out or gets into fights. It’s more just that the other kids find it difficult to listen to his stupid voice for five seconds straight. And you know what? If I weren’t legally obligated to care for your child, I wouldn’t go near him. But since I’m not allowed to kick him out of my classroom for being himself, I spend story time every day telling the class about a stupid, ugly monster named Tommy until they make the connection on their own.

This must be upsetting to hear, but I doubt it comes as a complete surprise. I mean, you guys have to see him drag his gross body around and listen to him talk about shit every single day. At least I get to go blow off steam after work by gossiping about him with other teachers and sending the kids photoshopped images of Tommy slithering out of an elephant’s butt covered in poop.

I have a few ideas for potential solutions. The simplest one is probably to get him to be completely silent and wear a paper bag over his head during school so that the students and I can pretend he’s not there. That way they can learn without being so preoccupied with their disdain for his entire being. Admittedly, even knowing that he’s in the room will make their and my skin crawl, but it’s a big step in the right direction.

Of course, my ideal solution would be to have you remove him from my classroom permanently so I never, ever have to hear his noxious, chirpy little voice or see his idiot, assclown-y face again. But, like I say to my students every day before they go home, “You don’t always get what you want even if you try your hardest. Sometimes you’re stuck with a piece of shit like Tommy.”

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Status | April 28, 2015

Tip of the Day #825

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Despite its name, there are many purposes that so-called “all-purpose flour” can’t fulfill, like improving at-risk student test scores, capturing rogue velociraptors, and acting as Secretary of Commerce.

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April 27, 2015

Famous Sayings Explained, Part Deux

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“You’ve got a chip on your shoulder.”
A saying expressing that someone has a lot of food – so much, they do not even bother to put the potato chip that fell on their shoulder into a plastic baggie to save for later.

“I’m burning the midnight oil.”
A statement used to convey how hard one is working. Its historical origins date back to a time when rich oil tycoons hired people to burn excess oil they didn’t know what to do with. Particularly ambitious laborers would brag to their co-workers about how they stayed up burning oil until midnight.

“What a cock and bull story.”
This figure of speech is used to describe a TV show that is an instant hit. The phrase originated in 1977, after the incredible success of The Adventures of Cock and Bull – a buddy cop show about a rough-’n’-tumble, loose-cannon rooster and a by-the-book bull who brought down the most dangerous drug ring in New York City.

“I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth.”
An idiom signifying that a person heard something from a reputable source. This expression dates back to the early 1800s, when horses were widely considered the most reliable fount of scientific knowledge. Horses lost their scientific credibility in the early 1930s when people realized that, no, horses really couldn’t talk, but the phrase has regained popularity recently, as people have begun to recognize that they still tend to report the news more honestly than the current media.

“They went the whole nine yards.”
Used to say that someone went as far as possible or did as much as they possibly could: a measure that, for normal humans, is apparently comparable to traveling 36 feet. People sometimes add a clarifying exclamation before the phrase, like, “I can’t believe it!” or, “Amazing!” in order to reemphasize how completely fantastic it is that someone managed to transport their body a whole 432 inches from their original starting point – a feat of effort and willpower that most people can’t manage under normal circumstances.

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
A phrase used to express the idea that, while one may think it’s bad for two birds to have formed a makeshift nest in their pubic hair, it’s really just as bad to have to hold a bird in your hand all the time due to pure inconvenience.

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April 24, 2015

An Open Letter to Melissa Chiasson

by Jordy Greenblatt

Hey Melissa,

I forgot your email address so I can’t write you a normal letter. Please send it to me so this doesn’t happen again.

I hope you have my information because, since this is an open letter and anyone can read it, I don’t want to write it here. If not, just write something called “An Open Letter to Jordy Greenblatt” and I’m sure it will find its way to me eventually.

Jordy

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Status | April 23, 2015

Tip of the Day # 2477

by Jordy Greenblatt

Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean I’m not out to get you.

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Status | April 22, 2015

PIAOR How: So You Want to Sneak a Dead Body Out of a TV Studio That Is Currently Filming the Children’s Show “Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest” in Front of a Live Audience

by Lincoln Sedlacek

(1) Before you can sneak the body out of the studio, you’re going to have to sneak in. To do this, you’ll need a disguise. Normally, you can get in anywhere if you’re (a) wearing a business suit and holding a clipboard, or (b) wearing an orange jumpsuit and holding a tape measure. However, for a children’s television studio, it will be better to disguise yourself as something more along the lines of a monkey, a tree, or an anthropomorphic sun wearing sunglasses.

(2) Locate the body. If the seating area is a bleacher-like set-up, it’s probably best to start by checking under the seats. After all, if a child looks under the bleachers for a dropped M&M, finds the body before you, and starts screaming, removing it unnoticed is going to be almost impossible – no matter how much Larry Lemur insists nothing is impossible. After you check under the seats, look in the prop room, the changing room, and the utility closet, in that order.

(3) Disguise the body so that it can be moved inconspicuously. For this, you’ll need to hide the body in whatever human-sized container is available: almost certainly a large, brightly-colored animal costume. If there are multiple costumes available, choose a red one – that way, if the corpse is bleeding, it will be harder to see any bloodstains.

Note: If you disguised yourself as a tree and are able to find a trash bag, it may be possible for you to throw the body in the trash bag, walk out with it, and say something about the importance of recycling if anyone stops you and asks what you’re doing.

(4) At this point, you may realize the person isn’t actually dead yet. If the room is silent, tell them to be quiet, and that you’re there to help them. Keep this act up until the children begin to laugh loudly at a fart joke, at which point you should put your hands over their mouth and nose and press down, hard, until they stop moving. Check their pulse. Put the animal costume on the corpse, if you haven’t already.

(6) At last, it’s time to sneak the body out of the studio. Throw the costumed corpse’s arm over your shoulder and try to make it look like you’re helping an injured person walk out. Try not to attract the attention of any of the children. If you do, and they begin asking what’s wrong with the animal you’re helping out of the studio, it may be necessary to double down by performing an elaborate two-person song and dance number. This is a definite go if you know ventriloquism, but it’s still a solid maneuver otherwise. The kids will love it, and the guy playing Larry Lemur will just assume an actor passed out from drinking too much; he’ll try to usher you out of the studio with as few questions as possible, which is an ideal scenario for you.

(7) Once you’ve left the studio, you’re basically home clear – just get to your vehicle, put the body in the trunk, take it into the woods, and bury it at least six feet below the ground. Later, watch the newest episode of Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest to make sure nothing that can be connected to you was caught on film.

We hope this guide helps you sneak your dead body out of the studio without attracting unwanted attention. If you are discovered – which, of course, happens to the best of us – you can always read one of our other PIAOR Hows, like, “So You Want to Eliminate the Witnesses,” or “So You Want to Burn a Children’s Television Studio to the Ground.”

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April 21, 2015

Excuses People Gave Melissa When She Invited Them to Her Viewing Party for Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • I am allergic to Never Say Never, and my allergy medication can’t help because it says to avoid taking it while watching Never Say Never
  • Every time I hear the name of the documentary Never Say Never, I am reminded of how Justin Bieber is unjustly plagiarizing Fievel the mouse and I am infuriated
  • I have laundry to do, and I’m trying out a new towel-folding technique which is very exciting when compared to coming to your movie-screening
  • I have laundry to do, and if I try to get it done early so that I can watch Never Say Never I might be tempted to try to drown myself in my washer/dryer
  • Right before I walked out the door to head to your party my pet goldfish gave me a sad look and said, “Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re better than this.”
  • I will be unable to attend because my girlfriend and I have plans to engage in BDSM tonight and I can only take so much pain in one day
  • The bridge by my house is out, because I have intentionally destroyed it to eliminate any chance of my going to see the movie, or you bringing the movie to me
  • My nose is broken, because on the way to your party I stopped to pick up some wings and told the man at the restaurant they were for a viewing party for Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never, and the man looked up at the sky and said, “God, please spare this man in front of me,” and God sent a meteor through the roof of the restaurant directly into my face, which hurt me enough that I needed medical attention
  • I’m a much bigger fan of the Biebs’ post-2011 work
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April 20, 2015

My Internal Monologue While Watching Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never

by Melissa Chiasson

Justin Bieber’s mom is hot

I already hate this kid

Why are all these pre-teen girls crying?

Justin Bieber is playing Madison Square Garden in 10 days, and this provides a plot point for an otherwise totally pointless movie

Grown men who manage Justin Bieber have names like Scooter and say the word “swag” non-ironically

I now hate everyone involved in the production of this movie

Ontario actually looks pretty sweet

Justin Bieber is a normal kid who loves hanging out with his friends

But he’s also an international pop superstar, so it’s hard for him to just be normal

I have sympathy for Justin Bieber?

There is a lot of praying in this movie

He does work awfully hard

Guys, it’s only 5 days until MSG and I’m worried

Oh my God, Justin’s vocal chords are strained 😦

Whatever, I don’t care, I don’t even like Justin Bieber

Justin has to cancel a concert and is upset because he doesn’t want to disappoint his fans

2 DAYS UNTIL MSG CAN HE DO IT?

Is Justin Bieber attractive?

He might be kind of attractive

He’s also 16 in this movie

Jesus, keep it together

We made it to MSG, and Justin understands the gravity of this moment because he just gets me it

The doctor says Justin can sing tonight

You guys, I’m crying

More praying

Somehow he pulls those purple high tops off

Probably because he’s amazing

Sorry, Chelsea from section 2B, I’M going to be Mrs. Bieber if it’s the last thing I fucking do

Why does this movie only have 3 stars on Netflix?

Do not tell anyone about this

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April 17, 2015

Phrases That Let Your Significant Other Know There’s Still Room for Improvement

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Wow, honey, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. I mean, you didn’t outdo Roger, but you outdid yourself.
  • We should try to set your brother up with my sister. Or me.
  • You know what would be even better than having sex right now? Shoving twenty pieces of sandpaper up my nose.
  • I’m so lucky to be married to you in a country whose society views divorce as acceptable.
  • You’re right – as often.
  • Babe, the way you make me feel…it’s like I’m watching all of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and I’m halfway through Season Three.
  • How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Seriously, it’ll just take a minute.
  • Look, I don’t want to always be trying to keep up with the Joneses. I want to get ahead of them. If I wanted to keep up with the Joneses, I would have married Darin Jones.
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Status | April 14, 2015

Tip of the Day #8002

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Bitch, please,” is not considered an appropriate rebuttal to the State of the Union Address.

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