PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: March, 2015

Tip of the Day #3981

by Lincoln Sedlacek

For a classic April Fool’s prank, tell your coworker that you poisoned his lunch with cyanide. Once he gets off the phone with poison control, reveal that you really put in arsenic and check out the look on his face!

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Things My Mother Would Say When I Returned Home From Down by the Bay, Starting Shortly After the Opening of That Secret Government Laboratory

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Did you ever see a lemur treated for a broken femur?
  • Do you ever drink the water? Swear it tastes like dextrylottar.
  • Did you ever see a salamander praying for a ship commander?
  • Did you already sign this waiver? Says we have to if we live here.
  • Do you also hear those shrieks? I’ve been hearing them for weeks.
  • Did you ever see a divorced bee arguing for custody?
  • Did you ever see the feds burying the Johnson’s heads?
  • We’re moving.

Customer Satisfaction Survey From Terror Tammy’s Halloween Horrors Superstore

by Jordy Greenblatt

  1. Overall Experience – How would you describe your experience with Tammy’s?
    1. Terrorific
    2. Spooktacular
    3. Frightastic
    4. Unsatisfactory
  2. Hold Music – What would be your ideal hold music?
    1. The Time Warp
    2. Monster Mash
    3. Creepy forest sounds
    4. Leave it as Bad Bad Leroy Brown
  3. Costume Selection – How did you feel about our costume selection?
    1. Eerily extensive
    2. Scandalously seductive
    3. Boo-dget friendly
    4. Disproportionately focused on racial stereotypes
  4. Staff Interaction – How would you describe your interaction with Tammy’s staff?
    1. Hauntingly helpful
    2. Frightfully friendly
    3. Chillingly competent
    4. A little too handsy in the dressing room… and the cash register
  5. Store Location – How would you describe the store’s current site?
    1. Wickedly well-maintained
    2. Creepily convenient
    3. Scarily safe
    4. Confusingly close to Trashy Tammy’s Coochie Palace

-Melissa Chiasson and Jordy Greenblatt

Tip of the Day #4038

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If you are hyperventilating, you can reestablish a more normal respiration rate by breathing into a chloroform-soaked cloth.

Mnemonics I Use to Remember My Co-Workers’ Names

by Lincoln Sedlacek

That time I went to James Bond’s house for a 007 marathon, he talked for a whole half hour about the importance of diversifying my investment portfolio to include municipal bonds. He ended up guilting me into it by telling me I needed to think about my family, so I now think of them as “shame bonds,” which sounds a lot like James Bond.

Parker Carson used to work as a valet, and she’s continually telling stories about how she had to choose between putting SUVs in the “park or Carson” Center parking lots.

When I went to KFC with Ted Sanders and he told me about his time as a colonel in the Army Reserves, he wouldn’t stop running his hands along the sides of the table, like they were wood sanders.

John Clogger always gets the toilet stopped up, which inevitably results in Jon the janitor guilting us all into going to his next clogging recital.

When Luke, who insists on being referred to as “Dr. Baker,” brings in cookies, I can tell that he uses fake chocolate chips, which reminds me of how people mishear Taylor Swift’s lyric “Fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake,” as “Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake, bake.” Someone who only misheard it a little bit would hear, “Bakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.’

Earl Goodman is always honest and frank with his criticisms, without ever being mean-spirited. He’s as good a man as John Goodman, who is so great he should be knighted by the Queen of England, which would kind of make him “Earl Goodman.”

Last time we went out for drinks after work, Jim Beam drank so much whiskey that we told him we wouldn’t let him drive home and made him give us his keys. He told us he was fine and after some arguing back and forth he said he’d prove it: he made us all go to his gym across the street and watch him walk the balance beam. Unfortunately we were right, and, long story short, he’s in a coma.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

Tip of the Day #9045

by Jordy Greenblatt

Elbow grease is not a real substance.

I Want a Car That Says, “Pay Attention to Me Because I Am Important and Financially Successful.” Literally.

by Jordy Greenblatt

When I press the horn on my sleek red convertible, it’s going to cause some heads to turn. This is because when somebody hears a car horn blare out a complete sentence at top volume, they very rarely ignore it. I am extrapolating from what I imagine my own reaction would be in that scenario, but it seems like a reasonable assumption.

I don’t appreciate figurative speech. I have as much subtlety as the second ‘t’ in the word ‘subtlety,’ which is pronounced exactly as the letter ‘t’ is named. When I look for a car that says a particular phrase or sentence, I want it engineered to do so plainly and audibly.

If the car didn’t announce its purpose loudly and in clear language, there’s no guarantee that passersby would even notice it, let along register its significance as an indicator of my lucrative business dealings. I don’t want there to be any ambiguity or speculation concerning my socioeconomic status. I want people to know that I belong squarely to the upper echelons of society without expending time or energy on arriving to this conclusion.

I have various other ideas to further propagate the news of my wealth using my new car. Perhaps I could affix decals printed daily that bare the date and my net worth as of that morning. If the sheer fact that I spend money so frivolously that I have a standing daily contract with a decal printer doesn’t alert people to my fortune, the enumeration of my net worth will certainly elucidate that point.

Ideally I would like screens on the sides of the car that indicate my net worth, updating in real time. However, I am a pragmatist and I don’t think this technology can be reliably installed on the exterior of a car. Therefore, I am willing to settle for advertising my wealth with the simple and informative car horn message above as an air cannon showers the sidewalks with photos of myself dressed in expensive suits and shaking hands with rich and famous people.

Tip of the Day #534

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If, in the middle of a presentation, someone asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to, try singing “Gary, Indiana” while slowly backing out of the room.

Things I’ve Said While Writing for This Blog

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Guys, which Teletubby is better-known: Laa-Laa or Po?”

“I’ll do some Googling. See what current political players I can shoehorn into a satire piece with minimal research.”

“What about a piece called ‘The Banana Bunch’? It’d be like The Brady Bunch, except they’d all be bananas.”

“We’ve got to take advantage of this! Who knows when Justin Beiber will say something this stupid again!”

“I want to make a difference with this next piece. You know, say something meaningful. How soon can you photoshop Kim Jong-Un’s head onto a flying squirrel?”

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Lemurs

by Melissa Chiasson

Respond to emails within 24 hours

Assert your dominance by marking your territory with urine and wearing a blazer

Make a list of short-, midrange-, and long-term goals

Lick every inch of your body at least twice a day

Work with other lemurs to achieve your goals

Do not eat young

Pursue your interests, like flute, or yoga, or pooping in a tree hole

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