PUT IT ALL ON RED

“Looks like you’re writing a manifesto. Do you want help building a pipebomb?”

“What would you like to do? Customize grammar and spell check settings? Create and use custom dictionaries? Stop being a little illiterate bitch?”

“Italics denote emphasis, much like how those bangs emphasize your huge forehead.”

“Do you want to save this unfinished novel to the folder “Broken Dreams”?”

“You are seriously going to write that the five days you spent volunteering in Costa Rica junior year was “life-changing”? Christ.”

“Love the screenplay, but does the paperclip have to die in the end?”

If you’re running late for work but you want to make it on time, try driving over the speed limit.

Hi, my name is Walter and I am in second grade. I love football! My mom told me that I should write down who I think is going to win the playoff games this weekend because I love football so much and not because she and Dad are gearing up to have a screaming fight!

Seattle vs. Green Bay: This is a tough one to call, because I aspire to have the precision of Russel Wilson and the familial stability of Aaron Rodgers. On the defensive side, I predict cornerback Richard Sherman will be able to shut down wide receiver Jordy Nelson, but it also depends if the Packers’ running game is effective at keeping the Seahawks safeties occupied at the line of scrimmage. In terms of offense, Wilson can depend on Marshawn Lynch to run the ball, and we’ll have to see how Aaron Rodger’s calf strain affects his game. Speaking of strain, I also predict that Dad will somehow find a way to insult Mom’s choice of game-day snack if last week’s Cowboys-Packers loaded potato skins fiasco was any indication. Winner: Seattle. Loser: Walter’s love of appeteasers.

Indianapolis vs. New England: Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live with Tom Brady and Gisele? I do, all the time. Anyway, Andrew Luck and the Colts come into this game as underdogs, facing the two-man scoring machine that is Brady and tight end Rob Gronkowski. Luck will have to connect with wide receiver T. Y. Hilton to get some points on the board, and the Patriots’ defense is no cakewalk. It’s like that time we were at my school carnival, and I was doing the cakewalk, and then Dad left me there because he thought Mom was picking me up, and then I just ended up eating cake with the really nice janitor. I believe in the Colts, I think the Colts are good, and I think they deserve to be loved, even if sometimes they don’t feel that’s true. Winner: Indianapolis. Loser: Tom and Gisele.

Place your bets now so you can win big on Sunday! I will be eating nachos and pretending to be the NFL robot until I fall asleep right after kickoff.