PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: January, 2015

Esoteric Football Stats the NFL is Digging out for the Superbowl

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Longest streak Bill Belicheck has continuously worn the same sweatshirt without anyone noticing: 514 days
  • Number of squirrels used to make one Superbowl hot dog: 4
  • Number of downs before Marshawn Lynch touches his crotch and we decide that that’s inappropriate, even though we were pretty cool for a while with a guy knocking his fiance unconscious: 6
  • Last time Troy Aikman was sober before going on air: November 5, 2010
  • Number of footballs Pete Carroll can fit in his mouth if he tries: 2
  • Number of washing machines the NFL robot tried to hump during the commercial break: 3 (and Erin Andrews)
  • Longest field goal attempted by an actual seahawk: 9 yards
  • Average number of concussions or Katy Perry halftime shows before brain damage sets in: 1
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Empowering Quotes I Made Up But Attribute to the Dalai Lama

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • If you must serve someone, serve truth. If you must slay someone, slay ignorance. If you must order a six-foot-long party sandwich, order from Subway.
  • To obtain peace, you must know yourself. Or Bob, the dealer who lives next door.
  • Once, an old man inquired, “How are you so wise?” And I replied, “Shut up, Dad, I’m trying to watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge.”
  • May the spirit of the world flow through you, like the suds through that bad-ass beer bong we made for Randy’s party.
  • You can always find happiness, when you have a bod like this.
  • Man does not live on bread alone. Man lives on bread and Sour Punch Straws.
  • I do not do my laundry. The man who hit me with his car in my apartment complex’s parking garage does my laundry. Always settle outside of court.
  • Always show compassion. On an unrelated note, can I borrow $20?

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Tip of the Day #448

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Stapling one corner of a stack of papers, instead of all four corners, will not only save you money but also make it easier for people to turn the pages.

Online Reviews for the Woodland Oaks Crematorium

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“This place is great at meeting each of their customer’s unique needs! Not only did they let us watch as they cremated Mrs. Altwood, they let us dance to “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys. It was the perfect send off.”

“A total bait and switch. I showed up and asked to see their cream selection and the receptionist told me she didn’t know what I was talking about. Looks like I’m going to continue going to my local farmer’s market, thank you very much.”

“Very satisfied. Woodland Oaks Crematorium didn’t care that we had no official paperwork, and they said it was fine that we didn’t schedule an official appointment and just burned the body while no witnesses were there. Thank you, Woodland Oaks! We will definitely be returning for repeat business. :)”

“This place should have a serious investagation. My pig Tulip was a very big pig and they gave me this very tiny vase and say it has his ash in it? I want to know where the rest of his body went this is definately not all of it.”

“Great bacon in the waiting room.”

Unsolicited Feedback From the Microsoft Word Paperclip

by Melissa Chiasson

clippy.001

“Looks like you’re writing a manifesto. Do you want help building a pipebomb?”

“What would you like to do? Customize grammar and spell check settings? Create and use custom dictionaries? Stop being a little illiterate bitch?”

“Italics denote emphasis, much like how those bangs emphasize your huge forehead.”

“Do you want to save this unfinished novel to the folder “Broken Dreams”?”

“You are seriously going to write that the five days you spent volunteering in Costa Rica junior year was “life-changing”? Christ.”

“Love the screenplay, but does the paperclip have to die in the end?”

Puns an Action Movie Protagonist Could Say Right Before Killing the Bad Guy with Vegetables

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Someone’s bean a little too naughty.
  • You’ve been beet.
  • I know just how to dill with you.
  • Better make peas with your God.
  • I’ll never re-lentil’ you’re defeated.
  • Give my regards to seitan.
  • Your body’s about to be a little leek-y
  • Looks like you’ll die and olive
  • Guess your little caper has come to an end
  • I will enjoy squashing you with the large crate of squash that is about to fall on your head.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Just a Thought: Colloquial Expressions

by Jordy Greenblatt

Anyone who says “I wish I’d been a fly on the wall” better really like eating shit.

Tip of the Day #611

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If you’re running late for work but you want to make it on time, try driving over the speed limit.

A Gay Man’s Guide to Extensions of the “Coming Out of the Closet” Metaphor

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Reorganizing the Closet
Laying a firm foundation of misinformation with one’s family and friends in order to make it easier to perform maintenance lies about one’s sexuality later.

Checking for Monsters in the Closet
A practice only performed by young, naïve gays, in which – despite a certain amount of fear – they carefully scout out the availability of discreet sexual partners.

Installing a Shoe Rack in the Closet
Fabricating a large-scale cover for your extensive collection of flamboyant shoes, like a fictitious aspiration to be a cobbler.

Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Jeans
Hinting at the fact that you are gay to a friend or family member, a measure taken to prepare them for your coming out of the closet later.

Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Tight, Pink V-Neck Shirt
Like calling someone from the closet to ask if they’ve seen your jeans, but laying it on a whole lot thicker.

Cleaning Out the Closet for Goodwill
Debunking the lies and deceptions that obviously no longer fit after you’ve come out of the closet, and donating the more gently-used lies to your gay friends who are still in the closet.

Repurposing the Closet
After one has come out of the closet, it may be necessary to lie to family members about aspects of your love life for other reasons – for example, if you are currently dating your sister’s closeted fiancé.

NFL Playoff Predictions

by Melissa Chiasson

Hi, my name is Walter and I am in second grade. I love football! My mom told me that I should write down who I think is going to win the playoff games this weekend because I love football so much and not because she and Dad are gearing up to have a screaming fight!

Seattle vs. Green Bay: This is a tough one to call, because I aspire to have the precision of Russel Wilson and the familial stability of Aaron Rodgers. On the defensive side, I predict cornerback Richard Sherman will be able to shut down wide receiver Jordy Nelson, but it also depends if the Packers’ running game is effective at keeping the Seahawks safeties occupied at the line of scrimmage. In terms of offense, Wilson can depend on Marshawn Lynch to run the ball, and we’ll have to see how Aaron Rodger’s calf strain affects his game. Speaking of strain, I also predict that Dad will somehow find a way to insult Mom’s choice of game-day snack if last week’s Cowboys-Packers loaded potato skins fiasco was any indication. Winner: Seattle. Loser: Walter’s love of appeteasers.

Indianapolis vs. New England: Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live with Tom Brady and Gisele? I do, all the time. Anyway, Andrew Luck and the Colts come into this game as underdogs, facing the two-man scoring machine that is Brady and tight end Rob Gronkowski. Luck will have to connect with wide receiver T. Y. Hilton to get some points on the board, and the Patriots’ defense is no cakewalk. It’s like that time we were at my school carnival, and I was doing the cakewalk, and then Dad left me there because he thought Mom was picking me up, and then I just ended up eating cake with the really nice janitor. I believe in the Colts, I think the Colts are good, and I think they deserve to be loved, even if sometimes they don’t feel that’s true. Winner: Indianapolis. Loser: Tom and Gisele.

Place your bets now so you can win big on Sunday! I will be eating nachos and pretending to be the NFL robot until I fall asleep right after kickoff.

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