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Category: Lists

Phrases That Let Your Significant Other Know There’s Still Room for Improvement

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Wow, honey, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. I mean, you didn’t outdo Roger, but you outdid yourself.
  • We should try to set your brother up with my sister. Or me.
  • You know what would be even better than having sex right now? Shoving twenty pieces of sandpaper up my nose.
  • I’m so lucky to be married to you in a country whose society views divorce as acceptable.
  • You’re right – as often.
  • Babe, the way you make me feel…it’s like I’m watching all of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and I’m halfway through Season Three.
  • How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Seriously, it’ll just take a minute.
  • Look, I don’t want to always be trying to keep up with the Joneses. I want to get ahead of them. If I wanted to keep up with the Joneses, I would have married Darin Jones.

Signs That Spring Is Here

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Punxsutawney Phil finally willing to show his face again
  • First robins seen performing big Spring opening number on Broadway
  • Sun finally visible wearing large pair of sunglasses
  • Heated debates between parents and preteens about whether shorts are currently appropriate outdoor wear
  • Boston down to 10 feet of snow

Porn Parodies of Educational Computer Games From the 90s

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego’s Clitoris
  • Orgasm Trail
  • Pleasure Mountain!
  • Carpet Munchers
  • Rear Rabbit
  • Mavis Beaver Teaches Sucking
  • Ass Blaster
  • Discoveries of the Deep

Mean Names I Thought of for “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” but I Can’t Use Because It’s a Really Good Show

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • The Unbearable Kimmy Schmidt
  • The Untakeable Kimmy Schmidt
  • The Unbreakable Kimmy Shit
  • The Unbreakable Shitty Shit

Note: Just to recapitulate, these names are moot as the show was brilliantly conceived and written and Ellie Kemper’s performance was hilarious in its balance of cynicism and heartwarming sincerity.

Things My Mother Would Say When I Returned Home From Down by the Bay, Starting Shortly After the Opening of That Secret Government Laboratory

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Did you ever see a lemur treated for a broken femur?
  • Do you ever drink the water? Swear it tastes like dextrylottar.
  • Did you ever see a salamander praying for a ship commander?
  • Did you already sign this waiver? Says we have to if we live here.
  • Do you also hear those shrieks? I’ve been hearing them for weeks.
  • Did you ever see a divorced bee arguing for custody?
  • Did you ever see the feds burying the Johnson’s heads?
  • We’re moving.

Things I Didn’t Do Yesterday Because I Thought It Was February 29th

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Use my now-expired Macy’s coupons
  • Mail in grad school applications with March 1st deadlines
  • Show up for the meeting with my parole officer
  • Celebrate my daughter’s birthday
  • Get my daughter a birthday present that would make up for also forgetting her birthday last year
  • Send out the church’s February news round-up
  • Pay protection money
  • Remind crime lord, who said it would be a shame if anything happened to my seven-year-old daughter, that my daughter is actually eight now
  • Flip my calendar to March

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

List of Episodes in Season One of “Electoral College,” the TV Show I’m Pitching Where All of America’s Presidents Are in a Fraternity Together

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Four Score and Seven Shots Ago…
  2. Bong-gress Is Now in Session
  3. Jackson Jacks Off
  4. Keg Stand for Justice
  5. Caucus-Blockus
  6. I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman. Let’s Fix That.
  7. The Supreme Courtship
  8. Pubic Policy
  9. Budgets and A-bro-priations
  10. President Bro Tempore
  11. George Washington Crossing the Underwear
  12. I Do Solemnly Swear That, to the Best of My Abilities, I Will Preserve, Protect, and Defend the Kegerator
  13. Bull-Moose Partay!
  14. Lame Fuck

Titles for My Children’s Book About A Dyslexic Sheep Who is Adopted by Wolves

by Melissa Chiasson

  • A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
  • The Wolf Who Cried Sheep
  • The Wolf of Wall Sheep
  • White Sheep Can’t Read
  • Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, the Dyslexic Sheep

Cookbooks That Somehow Found Their Way Into My Kitchen After I Moved to Texas

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • It Doesn’t Get Any Butter Than This
  • Cobbled Together: 113 Cobblers You Won’t Believe Are Actually Different Recipes
  • The 2015 “Brisket Boys” Cookbook Calendar, Featuring the Dallas Cowboys Slathered in Barbeque Sauce
  • Kiss My Molasses: 12 Sugary Southern Favorites
  • The Sweet Tea Guide to Early-Onset Diabetes
  • 48 Southern Meals You Have to Try Before You Die From a Heart Attack 30 Minutes Later
  • Whiskey and Ribs: How to Start Your Baby on Hard Foods and Liquor

Highlights From Last Night’s Super Bowl Party

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Kurt officiated the pre-game coin toss deciding whether Jake or Terah got first possession of the comfy armchair
  • In a controversial call, Elizabeth declared Grant’s pies incompletely cooked
  • I intercepted the pass of the final Lime-A-Rita to Grant
  • Kurt and Jake stormed the bathroom for much-awaited halftime pee
  • Terah made the game-changing call to Domino’s during which she ordered two meat lovers pizzas
  • Upon the completion of the fourth beer, Jake celebrated by drenching the host in vomit
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