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Month: December, 2015

Tips for Following Through on Your 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Want to lose weight and get in shape in 2015? “You are what you eat,” the adage goes – so try eating Cristiano Ronaldo or Serena Williams.
  • Lots of people are trying to find God, but doing so takes time. Practice by going through Where’s Waldo? books and watching old episodes of Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?
  • You’re sure to exercise and travel more if you’re on the run from your local mafia.
  • Do you think you watch too much TV? Try watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo – it is the pinnacle of television achievement, and after viewing it you will never feel the need to watch anything ever again.
  • Is one of your resolutions to “enjoy life to the fullest”? Try coming up with some less stupid resolutions.

Update on My 2015 Resolution to Stop Banging Your Mom

by Melissa Chiasson

A year ago today, I made the brave choice to stop fucking your mom. Did she want me to? No. Did I get deep satisfaction from your obvious disgust at our passionate lovemaking? Yes. Did someone bet me $20 I couldn’t hold out? Technically it was $20 and a Crunchwrap Supreme, but I’m splitting hairs.

I started out strong. I really believed that I could make it at least two weeks without taking your mom to Poundtown. Whenever I caught myself thinking about the long, sweaty nights (and days) we shared together, I would sketch a picture of her beautiful face on my easel (shown below). If I’m being completely honest with myself, it’s probably my best work.

Your mom’s face. Not pictured: my dick.

Your mom’s face. Not pictured: my dick.


How I wish my art could sate my ravenous sexual appetite for the woman who gave you life and once saw you throw up on a dog (gross, dude). In fact, I found that this exercise only deepened my desire for her, especially knowing that you would die inside if you knew about any of this. So I called her just to check in, see how things were going, if she missed me. Turns out she did. And turn out she did, if you know what I mean (shown below).

Your mom’s face in sexual ecstasy. Not pictured: my dick.

Your mom’s face in sexual ecstasy. Not pictured: my dick.

Here’s a timeline of everything, so you understand that I had some self-discipline in the beginning, that this wasn’t just some ploy on my part to get your hopes up that we would stop fucking each other only to waltz into your kitchen on the morning of January 13th wearing your mom’s robe and calling her my “slampiece.”

timeline

I know what you’re thinking: am I going to make the same half-assed resolution this year? I used to joke with your mom about how if we got married you would have to call me dad. She would giggle and say how much you would hate that, especially since we’ve been friends forever. I would laugh, confused, because would you really let a petulant child stand in the way of this great love? Then we would bone for like, five hours.

So that’s to say, no, I will not be making the same mistake this year. I will continue to bang your mom, as long as it doesn’t distract me from my resolution of being the best dad I can be (shown below).

daddylovesyou

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by Melissa Chiasson

 

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