PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: October, 2014

Ask Some Guy Who Totally Forgot to Get a Costume for Anna’s Party Tonight

by Jordy Greenblatt

Hi GWTFGCAPT,
I had been unsuccessfully dating online for over a year now until a week ago when this very cute guy sent me a message that was thoughtful and funny. I responded and we sent a bunch of messages back and forth and, long story short, we have a date for tomorrow night. Obviously, that’s all good stuff. Here’s the thing: I know he’s interested in me, but he’s interested in the version of me that he gleaned from my profile and messages. I’m terrified that we’ll meet and he’ll find “the real me” boring. Should I go over my profile really carefully to make sure I match his expectations or should I just show up and hope for the best?
Yours,
In The Flesh?

Dear Flesh,
The online part of your relationship is over. Those messages were just a warmup for tomorrow night’s game so, if it turns out he’s not into “the real you,” there’s no point in faking it. Throw in the towel if the guy is only interested in your online persona. So, even though it sounds stupid, just be yourself. Actually do you think that would work as a concept costume? People would be like, “Hey what are you supposed to be?” And I’ll sigh and say, “Whenever I ask my mom for help in social situations she tells me to be just be myself. Why did I call her for help for a costume party?!?” I bet someone would think that was really clever but most people would probably just call me a douchebag.


Hey GWTFGCAPT,
You gotta help me, man. My brother gave the Frozen DVD to my daughter for her birthday and she won’t stop watching it. Every other day I try to put a different movie on but she just screams like a goddamn banshee until I put Frozen back on. What do I do?
Desperately,
Brainfrozen

Dear Brainfrozen,
There are much bigger parenting problems than an obsession phase. It will pass eventually and, in the meantime, your little girl is getting a strong role model in Elsa. Oh holy shit! I could be Elsa! And when people ask how I know Anna I’ll just respond totally deadpan, “Oh, we’re sisters.” Plus I can tell people to “Let It Go” when they’re being annoying. This is gonna be awesome! Now all I have to do is find a large men’s Queen Elsa costume in the 20 minutes before the party…

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Just a Thought: Titles

by Jordy Greenblatt

I don’t know why I have to wait to get my doctorate in order for people to call me by my degree title. Maybe it’s because being called “master” is a lot more fun than being called “doctor” so people would start dropping out before their dissertations. Then again, it would unclog the academic job market a little.

Things That You Could Say Either Immediately After Taking Your Dog for Its First Walk or While Holding Your Dying Adolescent Son in Your Arms

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • You were such a good boy. Yes you were.

Tip of the Day #936

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Frying an ant under a magnifying glass isn’t actually considered torture as long as the ant dies in under 10 seconds; however, it isn’t fun unless it lasts at least 7 seconds.

Outline for my Thirty Minute PowerPoint Presentation “Sarah, Please Take Me Back”

by Jordy Greenblatt

  1. Introduction [Graphic: welcome mat or cartoon of smiling, sexy receptionist]
    1. Title
    2. Welcome audience (i.e. Sarah)
    3. Request audience not get up during presentation (note to self: cry a little to reinforce point)
  2. Emotions I Have [Graphic: sad emoji]
    1. Regret
    2. Deep futility about my life and the choices that led me to this point
    3. Hope for reconciliation
    4. Badness (note to self: make sure this counts as emotion)
  3. Attributes That Make me a Good Boyfriend [Graphic: me looking sophisticated or brave or something]
    1. No recent criminal history
    2. Old Spice deodorant
    3. Flexible part time job
    4. XBox One
    5. Old Spice body wash
  4. Changes I Have Made Since we Split up [Graphic: David Bowie with a speech bubble that says “ch-ch-ch-ch-changes”]
    1. Threw out wolf t-shirt
    2. Learned to make salad dressing
    3. Started paying taxes
    4. Purchased silverware
  5. Changes I Will Make in the Future [Graphic: scene from futuristic movie, maybe Blade Runner]
    1. Night classes
    2. Start reading newspaper
    3. Wash car
  6. Conclusion/Summary [Graphic: adorable child waving goodbye gif] (note to self: if Sarah seems receptive play that “So Long, Farewell” song from the Sound of Music)
    1. I feel sad
    2. I was kind of a good boyfriend
    3. I have changed
    4. I will continue to change
  7. Thanks
    1. Thank you to Sarah for sitting through my entire presentation (note to self: if she’s unreceptive say this acerbically)
    2. Thank you to Jeff for showing me how you do a PowerPoint and running the projector

Aspects of Ancient Life the Paleo Diet Has Conveniently Ignored

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Pooping in holes
  • Saber-tooth tigers
  • Being excited by the sight of fire or wheeled-transportation
  • Not having teeth
  • Sunburn on your dong
  • Dying at 24
  • Eating the young of Utok, your fiercest competitor
  • Sex with Neanderthals

Tip of the Day #1008

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The three most effective chess openings against a Grand Master are the Ruy Lopez, the Queen’s Gambit, and flipping the table over.

Best Ghosts to Haunt Your House

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A woman who died the night before she appeared on “Iron Chef,” – she now spends every day making a gourmet dish that she cannot eat, or transport further than your kitchen table.
  • A guy who slipped on coffee that spilled from his “#1 Dad” mug and is always up for playing catch, building a treehouse, or talking to you after a rough day.
  • A man who committed suicide after his girlfriend left because he never did the dishes. Some nights you can still hear him beg her to come back as he loads the dishwasher, puts in some detergent, and turns it on.
  • A girl who died in a terrible fire and now unplugs the iron and turns off the oven whenever you forget to do so before leaving the house.
  • A puppy who spends most of his time in adorable, corporeal form, but who can’t eat, poop, pee, or leave dog hair all over your couch.
  • Jerry Garcia, who plays great music and provides many “Grateful Dead” pun opportunities.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Tip of the Day #483

by Jordy Greenblatt

Most states don’t recognize Party in the USA as an official national anthem, although it is generally considered an acceptable substitute for the Star Spangled Banner at baseball games.

Plots That Weren’t Quite Weird Enough for The Twilight Zone

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A woman’s phone keeps ringing on the day of her wedding, but whenever she answers there’s no one on the other end. Later a technician finds out the receiver was broken and the phone calls were from the catering company.
  • A college student wakes up to find that his apartment complex is empty and he’s the only person left. Then he remembers that the county fair is that day and everyone must be at the fairgrounds.
  • A man is afraid to leave his house because a strange van keeps parking just down the street. When he finally leaves, the guys in the van rob his house.
  • The passengers on a flight from St. Louis to Houston travel through some unusual turbulence, only to find that when they land, it’s twenty minutes later than their estimated time of arrival.
  • A year after an elderly man’s mysterious disappearance, a group of kids claim to hear his voice. It turns out the man was dead and the kids were just a bunch of fucking liars.
  • A woman has plastic surgery and ends up looking like herself, just with bigger boobs.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson

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