The woman ahead of me in the security line took two things out of her pocket to go through security, a pack of cigarettes and a ticket on Spirit Airlines. I wonder which one is more likely to turn her body into smoking debris.
I’ve never seen Mitch McConnell and a cartoon turtle in the same room at the same time…
If the theory of intelligent design were correct, that would mean a conscious being invented the idea of bearing fruit as a means of reproduction. In other words, after coming up with amazing adaptations like venom injecting fangs, prehensile tails, tree climbing vine tendrils, echo location, defensive electrical currents, ink projecting pouches, touch sensitive fly trap snares, natural camouflage, and the power of flight, somebody made the active decision, “I want to make a bunch of organisms whose ovaries taste like candy so animals will eat them and shit out their babies.”
I wonder if my cat would feel ashamed of himself if he were capable of understanding that I recently mistook a motionless pair of dark pants lying in a heap on the bed for him.
Considering its functional simplicity, the toaster is a remarkable invention for its sheer transformative power. When I see someone eating a piece of toast for breakfast, my first thought is, “I bet that warm crunchy exterior perfectly complements the pillowy bread inside. You, my friend, have made an excellent choice this morning.” If I saw someone eating a plain piece of bread for breakfast, my first thought would probably be, “What the hell are you doing, you blight on society? That’s not how people eat bread. Were you raised by raccoons?”
Is there a way to pass an amendment that’s just a pointer back to the 14th?
I’m beginning to think Elton John’s Your Song isn’t about me at all.
Friday’s new season of House of Cards is going to be the first season of the show where the political plot – a presidential race – is more believable than its real-world counterpart.
My FitBit buzzes and congratulates me whenever I meet one of my fitness goals for the day. It’s generally a good motivator, but I feel like it’s sending me the wrong message when it congratulates me for meeting my “distance walked” goal en route to Krispy Kreme.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 