PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Category: Just a Thought

Just a Thought: Conspiracy Theories

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’ve never seen Mitch McConnell and a cartoon turtle in the same room at the same time…

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Just a Thought: Intelligent Design

by Jordy Greenblatt

If the theory of intelligent design were correct, that would mean a conscious being invented the idea of bearing fruit as a means of reproduction. In other words, after coming up with amazing adaptations like venom injecting fangs, prehensile tails, tree climbing vine tendrils, echo location, defensive electrical currents, ink projecting pouches, touch sensitive fly trap snares, natural camouflage, and the power of flight, somebody made the active decision, “I want to make a bunch of organisms whose ovaries taste like candy so animals will eat them and shit out their babies.”

Just a Thought: Lazy Cats

by Jordy Greenblatt

I wonder if my cat would feel ashamed of himself if he were capable of understanding that I recently mistook a motionless pair of dark pants lying in a heap on the bed for him.

Just a Thought: Toasters

by Jordy Greenblatt

Considering its functional simplicity, the toaster is a remarkable invention for its sheer transformative power. When I see someone eating a piece of toast for breakfast, my first thought is, “I bet that warm crunchy exterior perfectly complements the pillowy bread inside. You, my friend, have made an excellent choice this morning.” If I saw someone eating a plain piece of bread for breakfast, my first thought would probably be, “What the hell are you doing, you blight on society? That’s not how people eat bread. Were you raised by raccoons?”

Just a Thought: The Constitution

by Jordy Greenblatt

Is there a way to pass an amendment that’s just a pointer back to the 14th?

Just a Thought: Elton John

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’m beginning to think Elton John’s Your Song isn’t about me at all.

Just a Thought: Realism in TV Shows

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Friday’s new season of House of Cards is going to be the first season of the show where the political plot – a presidential race – is more believable than its real-world counterpart.

Just a Thought: Calories Burned

by Lincoln Sedlacek

My FitBit buzzes and congratulates me whenever I meet one of my fitness goals for the day. It’s generally a good motivator, but I feel like it’s sending me the wrong message when it congratulates me for meeting my “distance walked” goal en route to Krispy Kreme.

Just a Thought: Bats and Bridges

by Lincoln Sedlacek

In lots of cities, bats live in the spaces between rafters under bridges. These bats, like all bats, have really good hearing. So do they ever get frustrated trying to sleep when they’re literally living directly under an overpass?

Just a Thought: English Muffins

by Jordy Greenblatt

Someone has to tell the English that, while they make an excellent toaster-worthy breakfast sandwich bun, they have no fucking clue what a muffin looks like.

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