PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: September, 2014

Tip of the Day #799

by Lincoln Sedlacek

If you’re ever about to be late for an important meeting, check to make sure you’re not actually Quell’ora, Goddess of Time. It’s a long shot, but it can really pay off if you are.

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Ask Some Guy Who’s Really Not Sure What Was in That Bottle

by Jordy Greenblatt

Hi GWRNSWWTB,
My organic chemistry final is a month away and I’m freaking out. My adviser said that if I don’t do well enough, I basically won’t have a serious shot at med school. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was 12 but the stress in the last two years has been almost too much to handle. I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter but all I can think now is that if I work my ass off every day for a month straight, the reward is basically this level of stress for the next 10 years. Do you think the stress is just making me melodramatic or am I onto something?
Signed,
This is NOT What the Doctor Ordered

Dear Ordered,
I don’t think you’re just stressed; this is serious moment for reflection. More to the point, you probably won’t get much studying done if you’re constantly distracted by the lurking question of your future. It’s worth taking a night off from studying to sit down, organize your priorities, and decide upfront whether you’re going to take this test seriously or if the pain simply isn’t worth the gain. If you decide to stick with it, I have some chemistry advice for you: always label your bottles. A lot of things look like water but then turn out to smell like liquid tar and taste even worse and then your buddy convinces you that it smells fine to him and then you drink it and then you feel a little funny and your toes are numb and then you respond to your advice column inbox and then you start to realize your brain’s not going at full capacity and your desk is spinning. Definitely don’t do that thing I just said.


What’s up GWRNSWWTB,
It’s my dad’s birthday next weekend and he really wants me to drive home. The trouble is that would be a six hour drive each way for like a 20 hour visit and I’ll probably be carsick the whole damn time. I guess what I want to know is, which one of us is being selfish?
Your thoughts?
Suffering Son

Dear Suffering,
No matter how old you are, yuor dad will always see you as his boy, at least a lttile bit so you–guggg… oh God, hold on… wait… okay, it’s just asid reflux. Anyway, whether you live in his bamesent or halfway acros the globe, he’ll never see you 1000 persent as ur own person. You need to asks yurslef if you feel the same way. If you stillll lean on him alot and luke to him for spuport, maybe you need to humer him. Owrtehsie you just gotta tell it like it isss.


Dear GWRNSWWTB,
I love cooking and I’m considering trying to brew my own beer as a new challenge. That said, I have a lot on my plate at the moment (no pun intended), and I constantly feel overextended. Do you think it’s going to be too much work, or is the excitement of taking on a project just what I need to energize myself?
Yours,
Pining for Pilsner but Whining about Work

der pinning,
sorrty man i cannt hlp u ifi tnhik abut alkhol, i swar il fukin puk onmy cmptr

Great Icebreakers

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Hammer
  • Heat
  • Salt
  • Brute force
  • Ice Pick
  • Saw
  • “Want to see a weird rash?”

Tip of the Day #332

by Lincoln Sedlacek

While several recipes for “kitchen sink” cookies imply that you can put just about anything in them, human flesh is still usually frowned upon.

Transcript of my Youtube Supercut of Scenes From Famous Movies Where One Character Shouts Another Character’s Name

by Jordy Greenblatt

Kirk: KAHHHHHHHHN

Ben: ELAAAAAAAINE

Stanley: STELLLLLLLLA

Economics Teacher: Bueller…

Just a Thought: Germany

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’m not sure whether I’d call a German-themed amusement park “Deutschland” or “Deutschland Land.” Admittedly “Deutschland Land” is less pithy but “Deutschland” could cause some misunderstandings. Expensive misunderstandings.

Sam Cooke’s Report Card

by Jordy Greenblatt

History: D
Biology: D-
French: C-
Geography: D+
Trigonometry: D-
Algebra: D

Note: Yet to fulfill English requirement

Point Counterpoint: Catching Me Alive

by Jordy Greenblatt

Point: You’ll Never Catch Me Alive

You’re never gonna slow down Ol’ Tommy Gun Jeffery Sanders! Every lawman from here to Abilene has given it their all, and by Joe I’m still on the lam. Come at me, all you boys in blue. So long as my heart’s still beating, you’ll be plum out of luck.

Hell, if you think you’re gonna take Ol’ Jeff in still kicking, you’ve got another thing coming, dammit. I’ll have to be lying stone dead on a cold slab before you get your dirty mitts on me!

Counterpoint: Well Obviously; I’m a Mortician

First off, I have no intention of “catching” you. Why would I do that and how could it possibly benefit me?

The only parts of my job that require me to put my “mitts” (which, by the way, are sterile rubber gloves) on people, are cremation and burial preparation. So if I get my mitts on you, it will undoubtedly be when you’re dead. Technically you’ll be lying on a metal table rather than a “cold slab” but, yeah, that’s pretty much the idea.

I’m not sure how you wound up so confused about the role of a mortician, but I assure you that no part of my job requires me to touch you while you are still alive, much less capture and intern you in any capacity. So unless you’re trying to reserve the parlor or you have a cadaver for me, get out of my office.

Tip of the Day #431

by Jordy Greenblatt

A Bible can stop a bullet, so try to cover your weak points with Bibles as much as possible. If you are worried that wearing Bibles as clothing might be considered blasphemous, dictionaries and classical epics are good substitutes.

Just a Thought: Business Cards

by Jordy Greenblatt

I want to carry around business cards that say “Jordy Greenblatt, card carrying card carrier.”

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