PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: February, 2015

Tip of the Day #649

by Jordy Greenblatt

Whenever you get home, always put your keys in the same spot. That way if someone tries to steal your car, you’ll know exactly where in your apartment to find them.

Just a Thought: Bumper Stickers

by Lincoln Sedlacek

I want to get a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if your car horn isn’t working.”

List of Episodes in Season One of “Electoral College,” the TV Show I’m Pitching Where All of America’s Presidents Are in a Fraternity Together

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Four Score and Seven Shots Ago…
  2. Bong-gress Is Now in Session
  3. Jackson Jacks Off
  4. Keg Stand for Justice
  5. Caucus-Blockus
  6. I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman. Let’s Fix That.
  7. The Supreme Courtship
  8. Pubic Policy
  9. Budgets and A-bro-priations
  10. President Bro Tempore
  11. George Washington Crossing the Underwear
  12. I Do Solemnly Swear That, to the Best of My Abilities, I Will Preserve, Protect, and Defend the Kegerator
  13. Bull-Moose Partay!
  14. Lame Fuck

Predictions for Categories That Should Have Been Included in the Oscars

by Jordy Greenblatt

Best Unoriginal Screenplay:
The Expendables 3

Best Sound and Drink Mixing:
Bar scene, X-Men: Days of Future Past

Most Apes:
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Best Dog in a Leading Role:
Ruggles, American Sniper

Best Person in a Leading Role Who Is Not a White Male:
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game

Best Bradley Cooper Impression:
Ruggles, American Sniper

Best Makeup and Hairstyling and Plastic Surgery:
Godzilla, Godzilla

Most Improved Hotness in an Actor Transitioning From TV:
Chris Pratt, Guardians of the Galaxy 

Most Spelling Errors in a Title:
The Granned Bupadust Hotelle

Best Feature Film Based on a YouTube Video of Dancing Cats:
Boyhood 

Worst Snubbing of a Movie Illustrating the Tragic Parallels Between the Overt Discrimination of the Past and the Better Hidden Institutionalized Racism of the Present:
Transformers: Age of Extinction

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

Titles for My Children’s Book About A Dyslexic Sheep Who is Adopted by Wolves

by Melissa Chiasson

  • A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
  • The Wolf Who Cried Sheep
  • The Wolf of Wall Sheep
  • White Sheep Can’t Read
  • Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, the Dyslexic Sheep

Just a Thought: Warnings

by Jordy Greenblatt

I saw a sign at a breakfast buffet that said, “Please do not put hard boiled eggs in the microwave – They will explode.” I would have listened if they hadn’t added that last part. I don’t think the financial burden of the broken microwave falls on me.

Quiz: Over-the-Counter Heartburn Drug or Villain From the Science Fiction Screenplay “Space Blasters!” That I Wrote in Third Grade

by Jordy Greenblatt

  1. Zorthag
  2. Alamag
  3. Maalox
  4. Wargink
  5. Korondium
  6. Zantac
  7. Mintox
  8. Maniax
  9. Nexium
  10. Tums

 

Answers
Villain: 1,4,5,8
Heartburn: 2,3,6,7,9
Both: 10

Tip of the Day #811

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Add some excitement to your Mardi Gras party by replacing the traditional plastic baby in your king cake with a real, live tarantula.

Famous Moments in the U.S. Presidency

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Famous Moments in the U.S. Presidency

Tip of the Day #201

by Jordy Greenblatt

Although almost ten percent of all murders are committed by lamaze coaches, only a small portion of those take place during lamaze classes.

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