Benefits of Global Warming
by Jordy Greenblatt
- White acceptable after Labor Day
- Bikinis considered “business casual”
- Minnesota habitable
- Lower Manhattan now surfable
- No more polar bears getting in your garbage
- Thriving oncology industry
- More opportunities to play Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three’s “The Roof Is on Fire” at parties
- Penguins knocked down a peg
- With no storage space, Santa forced to give away all the presents at once
- Rise of “Sun’s Out, Guns Out” parties
- Jamaican bobsled team finally has a shot at gold
- Rise of “Greenhouse Gases Out, Asses Out” parties
- Frosty the Snowman replaced by badass counterpart Flamey the Incredibly Dangerous Wildfire
- Roger Barnes, 31, becomes People’s Hottest Man Alive with temperature of 112 degrees
-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek