PUT IT ALL ON RED

• White acceptable after Labor Day
• Bikinis considered “business casual”
• Minnesota habitable
• Lower Manhattan now surfable
• No more polar bears getting in your garbage
• Thriving oncology industry
• More opportunities to play Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three’s “The Roof Is on Fire” at parties
• Penguins knocked down a peg
• With no storage space, Santa forced to give away all the presents at once
• Rise of “Sun’s Out, Guns Out” parties
• Jamaican bobsled team finally has a shot at gold
• Rise of “Greenhouse Gases Out, Asses Out” parties
• Frosty the Snowman replaced by badass counterpart Flamey the Incredibly Dangerous Wildfire
• Roger Barnes, 31, becomes People’s Hottest Man Alive with temperature of 112 degrees

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek