Benefits of Global Warming

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • White acceptable after Labor Day
  • Bikinis considered “business casual”
  • Minnesota habitable
  • Lower Manhattan now surfable
  • No more polar bears getting in your garbage
  • Thriving oncology industry
  • More opportunities to play Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three’s “The Roof Is on Fire” at parties
  • Penguins knocked down a peg
  • With no storage space, Santa forced to give away all the presents at once
  • Rise of “Sun’s Out, Guns Out” parties
  • Jamaican bobsled team finally has a shot at gold
  • Rise of “Greenhouse Gases Out, Asses Out” parties
  • Frosty the Snowman replaced by badass counterpart Flamey the Incredibly Dangerous Wildfire
  • Roger Barnes, 31, becomes People’s Hottest Man Alive with temperature of 112 degrees

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek