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Category: PIAOR How

PIAOR How: So You Want to Buy a Car

by Melissa Chiasson

(1) Decide what kind of car you’re looking for and research its availability at the dealerships in your area. This part is important – for example, a Volvo dealership is a good place to get a reliable sedan, but a bad place if you’re looking for a fire engine or a monster truck.

(2) Before you head to the dealership, do some price comparisons online. Compare interest rates and financing programs. You can also contact dealerships to see if they’ll give you trade-in values on your used dirt bike, childhood Hot Wheels set, or leftover box of chicken taquitos.

Note: If you’re talking to dealerships on the phone at this point, remember that “interest rate” and “incest rate” are not the same thing. That can get you in a whole world of trouble.

(3) Once you have a general idea of what kind of car you want, where you can find it, and what price you can expect, head to the dealership you think is best! Remember to dress for the upcoming price negotiation, though. Find out your sales associate’s worst fears (vampires, death, spiders) and dress up like something that plays to those fears (Dracula, the Grim Reaper, Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web).

(4) As soon as you get to the dealership, check to see if they have Knight Rider. They probably don’t, but it’s worth a shot.

(5) Settle on the make and model of the car with your salesperson. An important consideration here is how easy it is to have sex with someone in the back seat. Are there obtrusive armrests in the way? How easy is it to clean the fabric? Is there a teflon coating option? If space is a concern, you may want to ask the dealer to join you in the vehicle for a few minutes of clothes-on thrusting to test out this feature.

(6) Having settled on a make and model, bring the discussion to optional features and add-ons. For example, some people will tell you that four cup holders is enough, but those people don’t know how to party. Insist on a minimum of eight cup holders, no matter the price.

Note: Does the car have “Pussy Wagon” spray-painted on the back? If not, ask the salesperson about available “Pussy Wagon” packages.

(7) Take the car out for a test drive. If you turn on the engine and 4 Minutes by Madonna and Justin Timberlake doesn’t immediately start to play, that’s not the car for you.

(8) Once you’ve settled on a car, it’s time to start negotiating price and financing. The final price will likely be midway between your initial offer and the sticker price, so always make an initial offer of $0. Also, one of the ways dealerships make money is through expensive financing programs. Don’t get talked into low monthly payments, because they’ll take years to pay off; instead, offer to pay in “antique” ivory.

We hope this guide has helped you buy the car you want; congratulations on your new purchase! All that’s left to do is leave a lasting impression on the salesman by blasting Lenny Kravitz’s “American Woman” on the radio, peeling out of the lot, and running into a hot dog stand.

–Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson, certified mechanic

PIAOR How: So You Want to Sneak a Dead Body Out of a TV Studio That Is Currently Filming the Children’s Show “Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest” in Front of a Live Audience

by Lincoln Sedlacek

(1) Before you can sneak the body out of the studio, you’re going to have to sneak in. To do this, you’ll need a disguise. Normally, you can get in anywhere if you’re (a) wearing a business suit and holding a clipboard, or (b) wearing an orange jumpsuit and holding a tape measure. However, for a children’s television studio, it will be better to disguise yourself as something more along the lines of a monkey, a tree, or an anthropomorphic sun wearing sunglasses.

(2) Locate the body. If the seating area is a bleacher-like set-up, it’s probably best to start by checking under the seats. After all, if a child looks under the bleachers for a dropped M&M, finds the body before you, and starts screaming, removing it unnoticed is going to be almost impossible – no matter how much Larry Lemur insists nothing is impossible. After you check under the seats, look in the prop room, the changing room, and the utility closet, in that order.

(3) Disguise the body so that it can be moved inconspicuously. For this, you’ll need to hide the body in whatever human-sized container is available: almost certainly a large, brightly-colored animal costume. If there are multiple costumes available, choose a red one – that way, if the corpse is bleeding, it will be harder to see any bloodstains.

Note: If you disguised yourself as a tree and are able to find a trash bag, it may be possible for you to throw the body in the trash bag, walk out with it, and say something about the importance of recycling if anyone stops you and asks what you’re doing.

(4) At this point, you may realize the person isn’t actually dead yet. If the room is silent, tell them to be quiet, and that you’re there to help them. Keep this act up until the children begin to laugh loudly at a fart joke, at which point you should put your hands over their mouth and nose and press down, hard, until they stop moving. Check their pulse. Put the animal costume on the corpse, if you haven’t already.

(6) At last, it’s time to sneak the body out of the studio. Throw the costumed corpse’s arm over your shoulder and try to make it look like you’re helping an injured person walk out. Try not to attract the attention of any of the children. If you do, and they begin asking what’s wrong with the animal you’re helping out of the studio, it may be necessary to double down by performing an elaborate two-person song and dance number. This is a definite go if you know ventriloquism, but it’s still a solid maneuver otherwise. The kids will love it, and the guy playing Larry Lemur will just assume an actor passed out from drinking too much; he’ll try to usher you out of the studio with as few questions as possible, which is an ideal scenario for you.

(7) Once you’ve left the studio, you’re basically home clear – just get to your vehicle, put the body in the trunk, take it into the woods, and bury it at least six feet below the ground. Later, watch the newest episode of Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest to make sure nothing that can be connected to you was caught on film.

We hope this guide helps you sneak your dead body out of the studio without attracting unwanted attention. If you are discovered – which, of course, happens to the best of us – you can always read one of our other PIAOR Hows, like, “So You Want to Eliminate the Witnesses,” or “So You Want to Burn a Children’s Television Studio to the Ground.”

PIAOR How: So You Want to Cook a Turkey Without Using Your Hands

by Jordy Greenblatt

(1) If you’re looking to set some kind of family record, I strongly recommend using your hands for the preparation phase. Some purists will tell you that it doesn’t count if you use your hands in the prep stage, but I think (based on the word ‘cook’) it’s a gray area and it’s still a pretty impressive accomplishment. If you are here because you don’t have functional arms, I would advise you to have a friend come over and do the prep work for you (it should only take them a few minutes anyway).

(2) Before prep you want to preheat the oven to 325 degrees. If it makes you feel better about using your hands in the prep stage, this is pretty easy to do with your mouth.

(3) Safety prep: Because poultry can have salmonella bacteria, always wash the turkey before you cook and then pat it dry. This step is particularly difficult without the use of your hands, because if you try to use your mouth, you’ll probably be more likely to contract salmonella than if you hadn’t even washed it in the first place. On that note, because you will be using your face throughout the process, fill a shallow bucket or small trough with high powered, anti-bacterial sanitizer for face cleansing.

(4) Food prep: Chop carrots and onions to fill the turkey’s cavity. This not only absorbs excess juice, but it provides the hard-to-reach inside with extra flavor. This is where using hands is most crucial. Many a brave cook before you has tried this step hands-free and many a brave cook has wound up crying salty onion tears from his one remaining eye.

(5) Now put those hands behind your back and get started! Use your feet to place a large roasting pan face up on the floor in front of the turkey. Hold the pan in place by firmly planting your feet on either side and pull your knees close to form an impromptu backboard. Slowly use your chin to pull the turkey over the edge of the counter and use your knees and the cabinets below the counter to guide the bird into the pan.

(6) Crawl like a snake on the floor and, using your forehead, nudge the pan so it’s directly in front of your sliced carrots and onions. You want the edge closest to the vegetables to be a few inches away from the counter. A good rule of thumb is to place it 1.5 inches away for each foot the counter is off the ground. Although it’s faster to kick the pan like a soccer ball, precise placement is crucial and you don’t want to risk foot-to-bird contact.

(7) Crouch on the floor and hold the pan firmly in place with your knees. Then use your nose to orient the turkey so that the cavity is straight up in the air, making sure any nose-to-bird contact involves only the bridge of your nose. Then submerge your entire face in antibacterial sanitizer for no less than 5 seconds.

Note: This step requires very flexible thighs and lower back. Also, that sanitizer is gonna burn in your eyes like Dresden. Nobody said it’d be easy.

(8) Using your neck, slowly sweep the vegetables off the counter towards the turkey. Your goal is to get as much as possible into the cavity, although a few pieces in the pan can be nice because they will cook better than the vegetables inside. Some will land on the floor. There’s really no way around that.

(9) Lying on the ground on your back, use your feet to grip the oven handle and pull it down. Then once again crawl like a snake and nudge the turkey gently until it’s directly in front of the oven. If the cavity is still facing up, carefully use your forehead to lay the turkey down for cooking and submerge your face in sanitizer for 5 seconds.

(10) This is probably the most difficult step. Lay on your back with your head facing away from the oven. The pan should be directly between you and the open oven door. Spread your legs and bend your knees as far as you can, preferably so that the heels are within 2 inches of your glutes. Placing your feet under the lip of the pan, press them together firmly, and extend your legs so that the pan’s edge goes over the door. Then slide the pan as far as you can along the door until it’s center of gravity is on the door and it can sit unaided. You may need to writhe around on your back for a while once the edge of the pan clears the oven door if your legs are too short or stumpy.

(11) Now place your toes on the edge of the pan facing you and ease it into the oven. If you can lift it onto a rack, more power to you, but probably you’ll have to settle for leaving the pan on the bottom of the oven. Sometimes you have to compromise for greatness.

(12) Leave the turkey to cook about 13 minutes per pound (12 if you didn’t manage to get a lot of vegetables in there). Every 20 minutes baste the turkey in its own juices and any butter you were able to unwrap using only your teeth. You can hold the baster between the toes of one foot while pressing the pump with the other. Alternatively you can place the entire pump in your mouth and pump with your tongue and cheeks.

(13) When time is up, grip a meat thermometer between your toes and, making sure not to touch the bird directly, check that the inner thigh is at least 165 degrees. Don’t take remove the bird from the oven until it reaches that temperature inside the thigh (away from the bone).

(14) Open the oven door and, with mitts on your feet, hook the lip of the pan with your toes to ease it out of the oven. Once it’s sitting on the oven door about a third of the way off, perform step (10) in reverse to get the pan out of the oven and onto the floor. Let the turkey sit for 15 minutes while your guests to sit down at the table.

(15) Gripping the sides of the pan with your still mitted feet, elevate it 6 inches to a foot off the ground and wobble on your back towards the dining room. Even if it means some extra wobbling, try to find a path without any doors in the way.

(16) Wobble triumphantly into the dining room. Your guests will probably be stunned. If so, you should break the silence with a clever pun like “all hands on deck for the S.S. Delicious Turkey… because I didn’t use them. My hands I mean.”

If you succeeded, you must be one hell of a chef (and probably a pretty good gymnast). Congratulations and happy Thanksgiving from the folks at Put It All on Red. I for one think you deserve a big hand!

Just in case it flew under the radar, that was another hand pun.

PIAOR How: So You Want to Make a Dog Pun

by Lincoln Sedlacek

(1) Make a list of all the dog-related words, phrases, or idioms that you know. This may sound like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many people forget to think up dog words before trying to make a dog pun. If you feel like you need a leg-up, you can try googling “dog-related words,” or going to an animal shelter and asking the workers there if they have a list of dog words you can have.

(2) Once you have your list of dog words, pick a context in which you can use your pun. A good rule of thumb is to pick a context that involves dogs in some way. For example: If your son has a funeral for his pug, who was attacked and partially eaten by your neighbor’s Rottweiler, saying, “I guess they’re telling the truth when they say it’s a dog-eat-dog world,” is sure to get some laughs. However, if you’re giving a eulogy at your grandmother’s funeral, this statement is likely to cause confusion as opposed to amusement.

Note: If your grandmother was eaten by a dog this pun will make sense as long as you called her a bitch in the previous sentence.

(3) Now you have your list of dog words and your context. Do any of the dog words sound kind of like words that relate to your context? Do any of them bring to mind particular circumstances unique to the context you want to use the pun in? If you have trouble fitting dog words into your context, you can try going the other way, too, and attempt to fit context-specific words into your dog words.

(4) If you haven’t found your perfect dog pun in the first fifteen minutes, chances are you didn’t think of enough dog words – it’s time to reevaluate your approach to the project. Don’t be afraid to get hands on. Adopt a dog, play with it, walk it around town, and then dissect it, and see what words pop into your head.

(5) All creative people need a break every now and then. If you still don’t have your dog pun figured out, watch an old rerun of your favorite sitcom or go get some coffee; your creative juices will start flowing again in no time.

(6) Try putting yourself in a real-world situation that lends itself to dog puns. Here’s my suggestion: buy a couple dozen dogs, a gun, and a pair of sunglasses. Drive out into the middle of a desert, get one of the dogs out of the car, and tell him to sit. Then slowly put on your sunglasses, aim your gun at the dog’s head, and try making one good dog pun before you pull the trigger. Don’t worry about coming up with the “perfect pun” each time – remember, there’s no judgment in brainstorming. Plus, you should have a lot of dogs with you, so it’s not like there’s no room for mistakes.

Note: some of the best dog puns I’ve gotten this way include, “Don’t give me those sad, puppy eyes,” and, “Looks like dog days are over.” Feel free to use these if you want.

(7) Finally, at long last, you’ve got your perfect pun. You’re not finished yet; practice your delivery! You’d be surprised at the number of times a great dog pun has been butchered because the punner didn’t rehearse – don’t let this be you!

Congratulations! You created – and practiced – your pun; now deliver it and enjoy your audience’s reaction. You’ve put in the work, now reap the rewards. Because trust me, no reward is greater than hearing your audience’s laughter when you deliver the purrfect dog pun.

PIAOR How: So You Want to Make a Macaroni Card for Your Mom Because You Forgot Mother’s Day

by River Clegg

(1) Don’t buy low quality macaroni. Sure, the generic brand is half the price, but she’ll be able to tell; she’s your mom. You better believe she knows the difference between Barilla and Safeway brand macaroni. The last thing you want going through her head when you hand her the card on Monday or Tuesday is, “Gosh, first (s)he forgets and then (s)he won’t even pay the extra dollar for decent dried pasta.” Also, you want the card to last. It’s well known that generic macaroni is made from petrified sawdust and will fall apart after a few weeks.

(2) Make the card specific to your mom. Anybody can glue macaroni in the shape of a heart or a flower. You’re not celebrating the general concept of motherhood; you’re celebrating your mother. Make it creative and make it about her. For instance, you can arrange the macaroni in the shape of her dog or have it illustrate her favorite scene from Shakespeare.

Note: If you recreate the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, you’ll want to use a straight pasta like penne for the balcony, or possibly even spaghetti if you want very precise lines. Technically it’s no longer a macaroni card at that point, but she’ll forgive you if you really capture the moment and she’s a big fan of the play.

(3) Don’t bother with glitter. You want it to be memorable, but if it’s too over the top or seems too needy, she’ll just lose respect for you. Try to make it special without compromising aesthetic integrity. A more elegant substitute is to buy multiple sizes of macaroni and make finer details with the smaller noodles. Yes, this will jack up the price a bit. But you can always cook what you don’t use, and you’re not really in a position to complain anyway; you’re the one who forgot about Mother’s Day. Idiot.

(4) Try to refrain from eating macaroni while you make the card. You’re likely to get crumbs on it and she’ll know why. Nothing says, “you did a crappy job raising me” like eating uncooked pasta straight from the package.

(5) If the day you’re planning on giving her the card also happens to be her birthday, do not under any circumstances forget to mention it. This is probably the worst possible way to exacerbate an already delicate situation. Your best bet it to try to play it off like the whole reason you “forgot” Mother’s Day was to set up an even more elaborate surprise for her birthday. Maybe try to make a cake shape out of macaroni on the card.

(6) This may sound odd, but give it to her while she’s eating. There are two reasons for this. One is that, if she is eating somethings she likes, she is more likely to overlook your thoughtlessness and just smile and enjoy your handiwork. But, if not, she can’t immediately yell at you if her mouth is full. This gives you a couple of seconds to say something adorable to get yourself out of hot water.

(7) If she brings up that you missed Mother’s Day, don’t give her the card to deflect criticism. Just smile knowingly like it was part of your plan all along. Then take her out for a nice dinner and give it to her there. Then it seems more like you knew what you were doing the whole time.

(8) Make sure you flag next Mother’s Day in your calendar.

Note: If you gave birth to Jordy, Melissa, or River, thank you and happy Mother’s Day! Your macaroni card should be arriving any day now. It’s probably the postal service’s fault that it hasn’t arrived yet.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Melissa Chiasson, and River Clegg

PIAOR How: So You Want To Avenge Your Father’s Murder at the Hands of a Vicious Drug Cartel

by Jordy Greenblatt

(1) First, you’ll want to know the product they’re trafficking. Most likely it’s marijuana or heroin. Now this might not seem especially germane to your revenge, but if you’re sitting around the cantina, talking about your enemies and how they’ll pay, it will be a lot more convincing if you know what slang to use for the drugs they’re distributing, or “slinging.” This lends you the unhinged and dangerous mystique that all avengers need in order to be taken seriously. Dope works for both marijuana and heroin.

(2) The cartel’s going to have a leader. He may or may not be the one who actually pulled the trigger on your father, but regardless, he’s going to have to answer to you. Make sure he knows that. In fact, you should probably tell him yourself.

(3) It’s possible that they fed your father to some wild animal like an alligator, a wolf, or, if it’s a nautically savvy cartel, a shark. In this case, you’re faced with something of an awkward decision: do you go after the animal or the cartel member who fed it? On the one hand, the animal probably didn’t know any better. On the other hand, he killed your dad. Ultimately it’s a practical issue; you can probably remember the face of the guy who stood by laughing as he watched your father being devoured, but what are the chances that you could pick a given alligator out of a lineup? With this in mind, you probably just want to go after the person.

(4) Make sure that you’re sufficiently armed at all times. Before continuing, we should come clean and admit that we’re not sure why it’s useful to saw the barrels off a shotgun. It might have something to do with the way the shot spreads out of the barrel when you fire it at close-range. Maybe it’s just scarier that way. But whatever the reason, make sure you have a sawed-off shotgun. Also, although actually using nunchucks or throwing stars is impractical in a combat scenario, it really sends a message about whether or not you are to be messed with. In case it wasn’t clear from our phrasing, you’re not.

Note: You don’t need to have liked your father to avenge him; in fact, the more emotionally complex your relationship was, the better.

(5) Your main challenge will be infiltrating the cartel. It may not be the Pentagon, but they won’t just let anyone in. Familiarize yourself with their habits, likes and dislikes, etc. First impressions are key. A useful tip that you might not think of if you’ve never needed to infiltrate a cartel to avenge a parent before is to hire an actor to play along as you pretend to murder him gorily in public. This tells the cartel that you’re one of their own.

(6) You always want the revenge quest to end in a dramatic one on one showdown with the murderer in which he almost bests you but at the last minute you remember his Achilles’ heel and use it to gain the upper hand. Once you have him cornered and you’re about to finish him off, it’s important that you have a nice, stinging final remark for him. Remember, it’s the last thing he’ll ever hear, so make it count. Something like, “I guess the only drugs you’ll be smuggling from now on are hell pills,” but hopefully something that makes more sense.

We hope this guide helps with your quest. It’s important not to get discouraged if it isn’t turning out quite the way you’d hoped. Revenge isn’t a science and it’s hard to get it right on the first try. But, after you lose a few more loved ones to drug cartels, you’ll start to get the hang of it.

Good luck!

-Jordy Greenblatt and River Clegg

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