PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: September, 2015

Directions for Use on the Back of Juliet’s Sleeping Potion

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Uses
Temporarily puts user into a deathlike sleep, which is extremely useful for:
escaping your family to be with your banished lover
getting out of attending your best friend’s two-hour interpretive dance performance
pranking your loved ones by pretending to die and then rising like a zombie in the middle of your funeral

Side effects
This product has been known to cause:
shock
fatigue
paling skin
death, especially if you stab yourself immediately after you wake up

Do not use
Refrain from taking this product:
if you are an emotional, irrational teenager
in a locality where deaths frequently incite violent, fatal conflicts
if your boyfriend/girlfriend has been known to exhibit suicidal tendencies when discussing subjects like the end of your relationship
immediately before or after heart surgery

Ask a doctor
Talk to your doctor or pharmacist before use if you are:
hoping to use your feigned death as part of an elaborate plan
under a nurse’s care for any other condition, especially if that nurse engages in lengthy vulgar monologues to no one in particular
13 years old

Tip of the Day #8245

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Tying a string around one of your fingers is a great way of reminding yourself that you have an infected paper cut on that finger and it needs to be amputated.

Ask Some Guy Who Can Only Make a Living Off of His Advice Column by Constantly Advertising the Cool, Refreshing Taste of Starbucks’ Iced Chai Tea Latte

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dear GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL,
My best friend Karen said she had “the talk” with her daughter Jessie, who happens to be 11, same as my daughter Sara. It sounded pretty intense, but the part that freaked me out the most was that Karen told Jessie that she should use that information “whenever she feels ready.” I want to be there for Sara, but I just can’t bring myself to tell my 11-year-old daughter that she should have sex “whenever she feels ready.” Should I follow Karen’s lead and talk to Sara now, or should I wait until I actually think she’s old enough for sex?
Yours,
Not Sure I’m Ready

Thanks for writing in, Not Sure,
I don’t think there’s ever been a parent in the history of the world who was excited to talk to their kids about sex. Still, the stakes are high. You have to do it before she starts having sex, which, unfortunately, may be before you think it’s appropriate. There’s no way to know exactly when to have the conversation, but I can tell you where: Starbucks. Think of how much easier the conversation will be after a smiling barista hands both of you an ice-cold Chai Tea Latte. You can forget awkward silences; any time you see one coming, just grab that straw and drink in that subtle, irresistible sweetness with just the right blend of spices. As far as the question of when goes, I have three words for you: “while supplies last.”

______________________________

Hi GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL,
I’ve been dating for a while, and I just started seeing someone I really like. She’s smart, funny, and cute (and laughs at the my nerdy jokes). It’s been going well in most ways except for one: I’m kind of a homebody and she’s a super high-energy “Let’s go out and do things!” type of person. It sounds stupid, but I’m constantly feeling like I’m either letting her down, or torturing myself to do stuff I never wanted to sign up for in the first place. It might be good for me to challenge myself to get up to her level, but I really don’t want to feel like I’m holding her back. Should I go for it, or just cut my losses before I’m in too deep?
Thanks for the help,
Sluggishly Smitten

Hello Sluggishly,
Maybe I’m just a starry-eyed romantic, but I think you have to go for it. She sounds special, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your wondering what could have been. If energy is all you need, I’ve got just the thing. You guessed it: a refreshing Iced Chai Tea Latte from your local Starbucks. She’ll have to run double-step just to keep up with you! And with the delicious taste of Starbucks’ classiest signature drink in your mouth, you can add one more way that your relationship with your soulmate is going perfectly. In summary, follow your heart – and drink Starbucks Iced Chai Tea Lattes.

______________________________

How’s it going, GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL?
Right after college, I moved to Houston for work. I love the job that I’m doing, but the thing is, I don’t really care for Houston. It’s too hot, there’s no public transportation, and the people I really care about aren’t here. My family’s in Boston, my boyfriend’s in Portland, and most of my best friends from college moved to New York. I’m thinking it’s time for a change, but I don’t know where I want to go. It’d be nice to be on the East Coast, but do I go to NYC or Boston? Or should I head to Portland so that I can be with my boyfriend of (now) two years? Or should I go somewhere that works best for me? I’m currently at a nonprofit organization, and most of the jobs that I’d most like to get after this one are in D.C. I know I have to make this decision myself, in the end…but I’d still love to get your advice!
All the best,
Coastally Capricious

Dear Coastally,
Moving is always an exciting adventure – but choosing where to move can certainly be nerve-wracking. You don’t want to ruin your relationship by moving even further away – but you don’t want to regret your decision to move to be with your boyfriend if things don’t work out. You want to be with family and/or friends, but you also want to follow your professional dreams in D.C. In the end, I think you have to remember the most important part of deciding where to live: how close your new home is to the nearest Starbucks. You can keep in touch – and even work – remotely, but the delicious, calming blend of flavors that make up Starbucks’ Iced Chai Tea Latte can’t be enjoyed from a distance. So always remember to make sure a Starbucks is within walking distance from your new house, or at least only a five-minute drive away.

______________________________

Hey GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL,
Me and my girlfriend have been thinking of getting matching tattoos lately but we can’t agree on what to get. I was the one who initially brought up the idea, but I was thinking something small – maybe we get an equality sign on one ankle each. But she wants to go big – we’re getting married in February, and she was thinking we should get excerpts from our vows tattooed down our arms. I think it’s a cool idea, but I don’t think I’m ready to go for something so bold. On the other hand, it’s not fair for me to insist on something she doesn’t want. Do you have any design suggestions that might make us both happy?
Yours truly,
Insistent on Ink, Concerned About Calligraphy

Hi Insistent,

Iced Chai Tea Latte

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Top 5 Healing Crystals

by Melissa Chiasson

Jade

Amethyst

Malachite

Meth

Billy

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, Page 12

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for Beyoncé.”
–John F. Kennedy

Commercial Break Announcements

by Lincoln Sedlacek

NASCAR will return after these messages, which are meant to remind you that if you’re not a manly man who likes cars, burgers, and women, you are nothing.

Game of Thrones will return after we analyze our ratings and, if necessary, re-edit the footage to shoehorn in another death.

Modern Family will be back after – and only after – you enjoy the taste of refreshing Cool Ranch Doritos. We are very serious about this.

NCIS will be back right after Gerald, our station manager who just took the last cup of coffee, brews a new pot.

Two and a Half Men will return in two minutes and forty-five seconds, giving you plenty of time to find a better show and switch to that. Please help put an end to this.

We said Modern Family would return after you ate some Cool Ranch Doritos. Did you not think we meant it? Okay, fine, another two minutes of commercials it is.

Look, our week-long 24 marathon is well into Season Five and you’ve yet to perform any of the basic elements of bodily hygiene. Jack Bauer will be back after you shower. Or at least floss.

We are having technical difficulties; Barney & Friends cannot resume until we have made a child sacrifice to the Dark Prince H’rathar. We will return shortly, at which point we ask that you kindly not bring attention to Riley’s disappearance.

(in an Austrian accent) Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles will be back.

Really? You still haven’t eaten any crunchy, delicious Cool Ranch Doritos? Fine, Modern Family is back, but Phil died. I hope you’re happy.

Mr. Scott’s Classroom Rules

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Classroom Rules
1. Listen when others are talking.
2. Keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourself.
3. Raise your hand before speaking.
4. No food, drinks, or gum in the classroom.
5. Respect everyone in the class.
6. Aim to LEARN!

Additional Rules and Addenda
7. Respect everyone in the class, including Mr. Scott.
8. In particular, respect Mr. Scott’s right to privacy when he’s in his own home. Especially when he’s becoming intimate with his wife.
9. Do not raise your hand directly into Mr. Scott’s face.
10. If any gum should find its way into the classroom, please dispose of it in a trashcan or, at the very least, not in Mr. Scott’s hair.
11. “Dickbag” is not an alternative spelling of “Scott,” nor is it Mr. Scott’s first name.
12. Aim to learn, but aim to learn 3rd grade subject matter, not Mr. Scott’s deepest fears.

Final Addenda
13. As an extension of Rule 1, listen to Mr. Scott when he pleads with you to please stop kicking him in the groin.
14. If you can’t adhere to Rule 9, at least don’t slap Mr. Scott in his nose, because his doctor says one more cartilage break and he’ll need reconstructive surgery.
15. During special classroom exercises like writing letters to Santa, do not ask Santa to “send Mr. Scott into the flames from whence he came.”
16. If you do ever end up bringing food into the classroom, and if that food happens to be gummy bears, do not noticeably pretend that each gummy bear is a whimpering Mr. Scott before violently tearing its head off.
17. The school counselor’s sexual harassment dolls are for adjudication of sexual harassment claims, not for pretending to sexually harass Mr. Scott.

One Final Addendum
18. If you’re going to call Mr. Scott that word you know he hates, it’s more than enough to say it aloud; you don’t have to anesthetize him in his sleep and tattoo it onto his chest.

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

E. E. Cummings Drinks a Pumpkin Spice Latte

by Melissa Chiasson

christ

“taste of fall”?

more like

          taste.   of.

                             foul.  

heyo

 

excuse me barista

i believe a

(pumpkin)

jizzed in this cup

Tip of the Day #907

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Flowers and a remorseful card can be a great way to tell someone, “I’m sorry I forgot about our anniversary, and your birthday, and your play, and your recent defense of your dissertation, and that we were dating entirely.” They are a less effective way of saying, “I’m sorry I forgot you have a severe pollen allergy.”

Back to School Shopping List

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Snack Pack™ single serve butterscotch pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve chocolate pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve chocolate caramel pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve vanilla pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve milk chocolate pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve ice cream sandwich pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve tapioca pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve banana cream pie pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve chocolate fudge pudding cups
  • Snack Pack™ single serve lemon pudding cups
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