“Schadenfreude” is a great word because I can derive it just from watching people trying to pronounce it.
I saw a sign in a grocery store saying “buying cigarettes for minors could cost you.” No shit; otherwise it would be called stealing cigarettes for minors. What they really mean is “buying cigarettes for minors could cost you a 2000% markup.”
I wonder how big the fine is for having sex in public. It probably takes some of the magic and excitement away if it costs you hundreds of dollars, but it might lessen the blow if they were officially called “porking tickets.”
Hors d’oeuvres
Ants on a Log: A new take on a classic snack. Sun dried California raisins sprinkled liberally onto a thick bed of unsalted margarine sitting atop a half sour dill pickle.
Spring Awakening: A freshly defrosted generic brand chicken nugget delicately sandwiched between two halves of a hardboiled egg.
Treasures of the Orient: Fragrant morsels of prepackaged falafel mounted on a bed of garlic naan and doused generously with low sodium soy sauce.
Appetizers
Pacific Sunset: A sunny side up egg fried to perfection with a hefty dollop of all natural, no corn syrup American ketchup coating the top and waves of moderately wilted blue kale lining the bottom.
Carnegie Deli: Sumptuous cuts of turkey straight from the 4-in-1 variety pack served with slightly hardened rye bread and yellow mustard.
Down Home Sweet Fries: Canola oil drenched French fries gently sprinkled with 100% natural granulated cane sugar.
Entrees
Catch of the Day: The ambiguous white fish in the package on the top shelf of my fridge.
Poulet à l’Orange: Refrigerator thawed chicken breasts slathered with chilled marmalade and seasoned with bits of orange rind.
Surf and Turf: Finely chopped albacore marinated in high salinity water surrounding a juicy 2 ounce pastrami steak.
Desserts
Tex-Mex Fusion Style Crêpe: Yellow corn tortilla with a splash of store brand cocoa hazelnut spread.
Summer Bonfire S’Mores: Mildly stiff kosher marshmallows and a grainy milk chocolate bar melted to perfection in the microwave and then wedged between crumbling but flavorful saltine crackers.
French Fruit Tart: Chunky cinnamon applesauce on a crusty piece of baguette soaked in the moist flakes of grape residue at the bottom of the $5 bottle of Merlot that Andy brought me last Thanksgiving and garnished with a teaspoon of what appears to be either cool whip, vanilla yogurt, or mayonnaise, hopefully one of the first two.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 