PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Just a Thought: Conspiracy Theories

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’ve never seen Mitch McConnell and a cartoon turtle in the same room at the same time…

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Tip of the Day #470

by Jordy Greenblatt

If you want to hijack an account from a hipster, try the login “password” with the password “login.”

Just a Thought: Lazy Cats

by Jordy Greenblatt

I wonder if my cat would feel ashamed of himself if he were capable of understanding that I recently mistook a motionless pair of dark pants lying in a heap on the bed for him.

Just a Thought: Toasters

by Jordy Greenblatt

Considering its functional simplicity, the toaster is a remarkable invention for its sheer transformative power. When I see someone eating a piece of toast for breakfast, my first thought is, “I bet that warm crunchy exterior perfectly complements the pillowy bread inside. You, my friend, have made an excellent choice this morning.” If I saw someone eating a plain piece of bread for breakfast, my first thought would probably be, “What the hell are you doing, you blight on society? That’s not how people eat bread. Were you raised by raccoons?”

Just a Thought: The Constitution

by Jordy Greenblatt

Is there a way to pass an amendment that’s just a pointer back to the 14th?

The Cats Behind Game of Thrones

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Meowsie Williams
  • Kitty Harrington
  • Catalie Dormer
  • Panther Dinklage
  • Nikalico Coster-Waldau
  • Clawrice van Houten
  • Fluffie Allen
  • Yawn Bradley-West
  • Meowin’ Rheon
  • Napalie Emmanuel
  • Chasin’ Mamoa
  • Hisselle Fairley
  • Snack Gleeson
  • Purry McCann
  • Snarles Dance

Quizzes I Submitted to Buzzfeed That They Refused to Publish

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Ben & Jerry’s Flavor or Pornographic Film Title?

We Can Tell Exactly Where You Live – Seriously, the Exact Address – Based on the Answer to This One Simple Question

How Many of These Offensive Slurs Do You Know?

Do You Know the Answer to These Five Questions About Trying LSD for the First Time? I’m Asking for a Friend.

Are These Words Cheeses, Fonts, or Things I Just Made Up to Distract You While This Site Puts Malware on Your Computer?

Can You Answer These Nine Questions About the Digits in Your Social Security Number?

Which Third of the Human Centipede Are You?

Tips for Dealing with Spring Allergies

by Lincoln Sedlacek

1. Prepare for allergy season in advance by buying a bouquet of flowers, letting it die, taking several pictures of it, and leaving them lying around in gardens around your neighborhood as a warning to any pollinating plants.

2. Remember that most allergens get into your body through your eyes, nose, and mouth. Try hermetically sealing each of these bodily openings.

3. Once allergy season starts, write a letter to your senator telling him that allergy season should qualify as a state of emergency and he should introduce legislation supporting your strategy of “burning those flowering fuckers to the ground.”

4. It’s possible that one of your friends has a miracle cure to your particular allergic affliction. Make sure to complain about your allergies as much as possible so that your friends will know to tell you about any solutions they might have.

5. If regular allergy medications fail to cure your runny nose, watery eyes, shortness of breath, and sneezing, remember to carry a box of tissues with you everywhere you go, to televise how absolutely miserable and disgusting you are to the people around you.

6. Have you tried not having allergies? This is an alternative to spring allergies that many people around the world swear by – they say it’s one of the most enjoyable ways to spend spring!

Bingo Card for March 21st’s Presidential Candidate Forum

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The five remaining candidates for President of the United States will appear on CNN on March 21st, where they will partake in a three-hour candidate forum with Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer.

For your enjoyment, Put It All on Red has supplied the following bingo card to be used during the event.

Presidential Forum Bingo

Members of the Superhero Squad “Team Taste”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Cinnamonster
  • Major Marjoram
  • The Real Dill
  • Outta Thyme
  • CILANTRON
  • Caper Caper
  • The Four Seasonings

 

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