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Just a Thought: The Constitution

by Jordy Greenblatt

Is there a way to pass an amendment that’s just a pointer back to the 14th?

The Cats Behind Game of Thrones

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Meowsie Williams
  • Kitty Harrington
  • Catalie Dormer
  • Panther Dinklage
  • Nikalico Coster-Waldau
  • Clawrice van Houten
  • Fluffie Allen
  • Yawn Bradley-West
  • Meowin’ Rheon
  • Napalie Emmanuel
  • Chasin’ Mamoa
  • Hisselle Fairley
  • Snack Gleeson
  • Purry McCann
  • Snarles Dance

Quizzes I Submitted to Buzzfeed That They Refused to Publish

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Ben & Jerry’s Flavor or Pornographic Film Title?

We Can Tell Exactly Where You Live – Seriously, the Exact Address – Based on the Answer to This One Simple Question

How Many of These Offensive Slurs Do You Know?

Do You Know the Answer to These Five Questions About Trying LSD for the First Time? I’m Asking for a Friend.

Are These Words Cheeses, Fonts, or Things I Just Made Up to Distract You While This Site Puts Malware on Your Computer?

Can You Answer These Nine Questions About the Digits in Your Social Security Number?

Which Third of the Human Centipede Are You?

Tips for Dealing with Spring Allergies

by Lincoln Sedlacek

1. Prepare for allergy season in advance by buying a bouquet of flowers, letting it die, taking several pictures of it, and leaving them lying around in gardens around your neighborhood as a warning to any pollinating plants.

2. Remember that most allergens get into your body through your eyes, nose, and mouth. Try hermetically sealing each of these bodily openings.

3. Once allergy season starts, write a letter to your senator telling him that allergy season should qualify as a state of emergency and he should introduce legislation supporting your strategy of “burning those flowering fuckers to the ground.”

4. It’s possible that one of your friends has a miracle cure to your particular allergic affliction. Make sure to complain about your allergies as much as possible so that your friends will know to tell you about any solutions they might have.

5. If regular allergy medications fail to cure your runny nose, watery eyes, shortness of breath, and sneezing, remember to carry a box of tissues with you everywhere you go, to televise how absolutely miserable and disgusting you are to the people around you.

6. Have you tried not having allergies? This is an alternative to spring allergies that many people around the world swear by – they say it’s one of the most enjoyable ways to spend spring!

Bingo Card for March 21st’s Presidential Candidate Forum

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The five remaining candidates for President of the United States will appear on CNN on March 21st, where they will partake in a three-hour candidate forum with Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer.

For your enjoyment, Put It All on Red has supplied the following bingo card to be used during the event.

Presidential Forum Bingo

Members of the Superhero Squad “Team Taste”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Cinnamonster
  • Major Marjoram
  • The Real Dill
  • Outta Thyme
  • CILANTRON
  • Caper Caper
  • The Four Seasonings

 

My Life

by Melissa Chiasson

feelingsvenn

The Bachelor, Season 20, in Graphs

by Melissa Chiasson

 

 

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Moving for Love

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • If you moved and things didn’t work out, would you or your partner resent the other?
  • Have you and your partner discussed a long-term future together?
  • Are you sure?
  • Sometimes you think you and your partner are discussing a long-term future together, but what you’re really discussing is what it would take to convince you to move wherever they go to chase their dreams. Not exactly a question, but important to think about nonetheless.
  • Is the new city one you can picture yourself being happy in?
  • At the very least, is the new city one you can picture yourself not living in Cleveland in?
  • Who are you trying to convince by looking something like this up on the internet, anyway? You realize pretty much the only possible answer is “yourself,” right?
  • Okay, so you say you wouldn’t resent your partner if you moved and things didn’t work out. Let’s litmus-test that: do you already find yourself resenting your partner for minor things, like never liking your Facebook posts or frequently eating the last brownie?
  • Can you afford the move?
  • If not, can you afford hearing the implied “I told you so” in your mother’s voice when you call her to ask for money?
  • Do you love your relationship with this person more than you love your local craft beer?

Rules to Be Instated at the Next GOP Debate

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Candidates allowed to participate in the next GOP debate will be limited to those that can pass the Miss Manners course, “Conversational Etiquette 101: Not Interrupting.”

  2. Before walking onstage, all candidates will sign an honor policy stating that they will make no factually inaccurate claims, unless doing so would help them win the nomination.

  3. After opening statements, the moderators will explain to the audience that each of them has several buttons on their armrest – one for each candidate onstage. If, at any point, over half of audience members are holding down the button for a candidate, that candidate will drop through the trapdoor beneath them into a large vat of manure.

  4. If a candidate is given the opportunity to respond to another candidate’s statement, and they respond by singing the opening lyrics to “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” from Annie Get Your Gun, their time limit will be waived and they’ll be allowed to finish the song.

  5. Hired tattoo artists will be on hand in case any of the candidates feel comfortable getting any of the policy statements they make permanently tattooed across their chests.

  6. Halfway through the debate, the broadcasting station will confer with mental health centers and suicide hotlines across the country to ensure the debate isn’t posing a significant risk to the well-being of the American people.

  7. Whenever a candidate fails to answer a direct question, a moderator will pick three unpleasant nicknames for that candidate submitted by viewers through Twitter. They will then proceed to read those nicknames repeatedly for a full minute.

  8. Any candidate that utters the words, “I’m the only one on stage who has…” will be slimed, courtesy of Nickelodeon.

  9. Moderators will be required to ask candidates at least one question on the subject of global warming that will be ignored in favor of the lobbing of personal insults.
  10. Although moderators are supposed to remain impartial, each will be given one free pass to put their head into their hands and sigh deeply.

  11. Instead of allowing the candidates to make closing statements, moderators will spend the last five minutes of the debate extending heartfelt apologies to any women, immigrants, Muslims, LGBT-identified individuals, or other members of minority groups watching the leading representatives of one of America’s main political parties.
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