PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: December, 2014

The Vatican End-of-the-Year Indulgence Blowout Catalog

by Jordy Greenblatt

Have you been a little too naughty this year? Cheated on your taxes? Taken your family for granted? Coveted your neighbor’s goods and/or wife? Nothing is more important to us at the Vatican than the wellbeing of your eternal soul. So if you don’t want to suffer temporal punishment, all you have to do is confess, find the package for you, and shell out some blessed greenbacks. If you do want to suffer temporal punishment, then you are a perverted masochist so you’re going to need it even more.

Economy Package: Covers turning backpacks inside out, tapping someone on the opposite shoulder so they look and you’re not there and then trying to convince them that nothing happened so they think they’re going a little crazy, tying a coworker’s shoes together, taking stuff from the lost and found that you didn’t actually lose, scratching a domestic car, proliferating bawdy or ribald humor, thoughts involving scantily clad people, eating your roommate’s food out of the fridge, and publicly displaying cleavage.

Bronze Package: Covers lying about getting STD tests, secretly slipping meat into a vegetarian’s food, scratching an imported car, downloading a virus on a borrowed computer so that when they go on they’re swamped with ads for online gambling venues until they have to get the Geek Squad to restore the factory settings, thoughts involving nude people, punching someone over 18, counterfitting non-American currency, eating meat on a Friday.

Silver Package: Pleasureless masturbation, hunting a neighbor’s dog for sport, punching someone over 8, stealing a car, murdering a non-celebrity, throwing a rager while your parents are in the Poconos and letting your friends drink half a bottle of 25 year old scotch and then filling it with flat cream soda so your poor father humiliates himself in front of his colleagues after talking up the bottle for weeks, cursing on national television, watching and enjoying the movie Love Actually, counterfeiting American currency.

Gold Package: Pleasurable masturbation, hunting humans for sport, somehow stealing a house, murdering a celebrity, punching a baby or young child, counterfeiting American currency, burning a building for the insurance money and then using the money to plan a brilliant heist from an orphanage and then using the heist money to kill a family member for the life insurance, extincting a species.

Platinum Package: Not being Catholic.

Put It All on Red Looks Back at 2014

by Lincoln Sedlacek

January 17th – PIAOR welcomes their newest member, Zack the intern, by explaining that his will be an unpaid position.

February 8th – Jordy uploads his homemade “#SELFIE” music video.

February 21st – The musical group Kidz Bop sues Jordy for ripping off several aspects of their “#SELFIE” music video.

March 2nd – Ellen DeGeneres’ Oscar selfie goes viral, breaking records by becoming the first picture River hasn’t been able to find Waldo in.

April 11th – News reports about the Heartbleed bug cause Melissa to update the PIAOR password from “password1234” to “password12345.”

May 4th – Someone hacks the PIAOR administrative account. The staff decides to blame Zack the intern and lower his pay to him paying them minimum wage.

May 26th – PIAOR remembers those who gave their lives for our country by writing a heartfelt Memorial Day elegy and then posting a piece called “Kermit the Frog’s First Prostate Exam” instead.

June 20th – Zack the intern misses his one-year anniversary dinner with his girlfriend because Lincoln doesn’t know how to use the color printer.

July 19th – After the U.S. bans several Russians for human rights abuses, Russia bans 13 Americans, and the Victoria’s Secret on 13th and Main bans Lincoln for unrelated reasons.

August 23rd – All PIAOR pieces published in the previous three weeks subpoenaed by federal judge.

September 4th – Jordy panics upon realizing that the party he went to wasn’t actually supposed to be murder-mystery themed. He immediately apologizes to the family of the victim.

October 29th – Reports that Fireball whiskey contains an ingredient also used in antifreeze cause Melissa to postpone the PIAOR Halloween party so that there’s time to get more Fireball for it.

November 7th – Samsung releases the Gear S, a smartwatch which has been called one of the worst gadgets of 2014, which makes the PIAOR staff pretty grateful we never tried to patent our own invention, the potato-battery-powered life-support machine.

December 29th – Zack the intern misses the PIAOR holiday party because the staff tells him he has to copy-edit this piece instead. Dickheads.

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Reasons I Failed at My 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Resolution: Quit smoking.
Reason for failure: Forgot to start smoking in time for this resolution to be meaningful.

Resolution: Stop chewing ice.
Reason for failure: Competed on game show where I had to save several children trapped under a collapsed igloo without using my hands.

Resolution: Finally replicate my Great-Aunt Henrietta’s Chili-Cheese Stew.
Reason for failure: New health and safety regulations instituted by the FDA.

Resolution: Develop rockin’ six-pack abs.
Reason for failure: Repeated attempts to replicate Great-Aunt Henrietta’s Chili-Cheese Stew.

Resolution: Seduce George Clooney.
Reason for failure: Inability to replicate Chili-Cheese Stew.

Resolution: Volunteer at a local soup kitchen.
Reason for failure: The only available volunteer hours conflicted with The Mindy Project.

Resolution: Take a trip to Italy.
Reason for failure: My tendency to part my hair on the same side as internationally-wanted man Tore Alesio.

Resolution: Drink less.
Reason for failure: Alcohol.

A Punchline That Made Me Laugh to Myself for Like 15 Minutes but I Couldn’t Think of a Good Joke About the Holy Trinity to Set It up So I Decided to Just Write It on Its Own With Only This Title for Explanation

by Jordy Greenblatt

Casper the Holy Ghost

Trailer for the New Christmas Thriller: Run, Virginia. There Is a Santa Claus.

by Lincoln Sedlacek

[open on Virginia, a young, attractive 20-something woman, sitting on a window seat looking out into a foggy night; eerie chords play in the background]

Voice-Over: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

[transition to a gently-burning fireplace]

VO: You might have your papa hire men to watch all the chimneys on Christmas Eve…

[ashes fall onto the fire, extinguishing it]

VO: …but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down on Christmas Eve, what would that prove?

[switch to a policeman on a rooftop, slowly backing away from the camera]

VO: Maybe just that they didn’t survive the night?

Policeman: God help us.

[switch to Virginia, lying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling while something creaks above her]

VO: So yes, Virginia. Santa Claus is real.

[brief clip of a reindeer hoof pawing at a shingle, then a reindeer muzzle exhaling softly into the winter air, before switching back to a close-up of Virginia’s face as she lies, terrified, in bed]

VO: And he’s coming for you.

[four more seconds lingering on Virginia’s face, before switching to quick-moving montage]

Dramatic, operatic music plays.

[Virgina runs down a dark alley as Santa’s sleigh bears down on her; Virginia’s friend, Amy, uses a flamethrower to torch the Christmas tree in the park; Virginia and her love interest, Tyler, are sitting beside each other on a bus]

Tyler: (jokingly) What’s the matter – worried you haven’t been good enough this year?

[several grotesque, goblin-like elves crawl over the top of a roof; a car is speeding down a street, skidding slightly on the ice as it flees from two galloping snow demons; Virginia and Tyler’s face are just a few inches apart, under a sprig of mistletoe]

Virginia: I’m worried I won’t make it to the next one.

[Tyler opens his front door, revealing a small, gift-wrapped package on the doorstep with blood leaking from the corner; a side shot of Virginia and Tyler’s interlocked naked torsos, as they passionately kiss; a group of policemen stand in a doorway as one looks in confusion at the piles of small, black rocks heaped in the entryway of the building – after a couple seconds, the chief picks one up and examines it]

Dramatic music comes to crescendo before stopping abruptly.

Chief: It’s…coal.

[close-up of the chief’s face, as a look of horror dawns upon it]

Chief: (screaming) Everybody get out of here!

Dramatic music continues.

[policemen being thrown from an exploding building; Tyler lying sprawled on the floor as a figure in red pulls a whip from behind his back; Virginia crouching behind a couch, panickedly trying to load a gun; POV shot looking down at a child sitting on Santa’s lap in the mall, screaming in horror; Amy’s hand slipping from the edge of a sleigh; Amy falling toward snowy rooftops below]

Amy: VIRGINIAAAAAAAA!!!!!

[black and silent; then, the words: THIS CHRISTMAS]

Eerie child-like voices: You’d better not shout, you’d better not cry, you’d better not move, I’m telling you why…

[close-up of Virginia’s mouth, speaking into her cell-phone receiver]

Virginia: (terrified whisper) He’s in the house.

[Santa Claus slowly steps out of the shadows, but his face remains hidden]

Santa: (in a demonic growl) You’re on my list, Virginia.

[close-up of Virginia’s face]

Virginia: Which one? Naughty or nice?

[close-up of Santa’s face, still in shadow]

Santa: Neither.

[black; then, the words: HE’S COMING TO TOWN]

Eerie child-like voices: Santa Clause is coming… (voices fade out before end of song)

Songs from Prince’s Sensual New Holiday Album, I’m Dreaming of a Wet Christmas

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Jingle Bell Rockhard Boner
  • Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Fuck Me)
  • Ho for the Holidays
  • Snow Makes Me Horny
  • Do You Hear What I Hear? (An Elfin Orgy)
  • I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus (And I Liked It)
  • That’s Not Eggnog Dripping Down My Chin
  • O, Holy Fuck!
  • Unwrap Your Present (It’s My Genitalia)
  • Carol of My Balls
  • Angels Pulling Down My Fly
  • A Miracle Happened in Bethlehem (Come All Over My Back)
  • Feliz Navidad (¿Quieres Coger?)
  • Here Comes Santa Claus

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Agenda of Chip the Elf, Head of Gift Development

by Lincoln Sedlacek

8:00 AM – After getting very little sleep, I struggle to get myself out of bed, succeeding only by reminding myself that in 3 days’ time I’ll have a whole month’s paid vacation.

8:10 AM – I shower, dress, and eat a breakfast of figgy pudding with an Irish coffee.

8:50 AM – I cross-check the naughty and nice lists with our current inventory. We’re still 3,000 lumps of coal short of our quota because of the mining accident in mid-November.

9:00 AM – Daily status meeting. Pitnick, Santa’s Executive Assistant, snidely asks me if there are any new crises in my department. I mention the coal, say the matter’s under control, and then spend the rest of the meeting imagining him burning in the defective toy incinerator.

10:00 AM – Heraldine, the Toy Production Manager, gives me her status report. Apparently we don’t have enough wiring to finish all the toy robots. I tell her I’ll have to get back to her about a solution.

10:30 AM – Meeting with the Reindeer Handler, where he reminds me of Kicker’s peanut allergy. I assure him that all presents containing peanuts have airtight packaging this year. He goes on a rant about how difficult it was to train a new reindeer, and I agree to accompany him on a full inspection.

12:15 AM – I write a speech for Blitzen’s Memorial Service, which I had forgotten about until this morning.

1:30 PM – Over lunch, I talk to the Head of the Elf Union about getting the workers back in the coal mine. She stares at me silently for most of the meeting, but eventually pours her hot chocolate over my head.

2:35 PM – I take another shower and make another Irish coffee.

2:55 PM – Hibbles from IT comes to tell me that some of the security cameras in Toy Storage Unit 23 are malfunctioning. I tell him to pretend to fix them, but instead remove the wiring and send it all to Heraldine for the toy robots.

3:30 PM – I go over Santa’s route with Pitnick so that my department can load the toys into his sleigh accordingly.

4:20 PM – The Puppy Production Manager comes, ashen-faced, to tell me that one of the gingerbread puppy pens collapsed. I go to survey the wreckage. There were no survivors.

5:30 PM – I call for my dinner, and my assistant brings me a small gingerbread house from the kitchens. I decide I’ve lost my appetite.

6:00 PM – I check the list of children who said they wanted a puppy for Christmas, then call Heraldine in and tell her we’re going to need another 200 stuffed puppies made in the next couple of days. I make a mental note to give her a raise.

6:35 PM – I decide to take a breather. I run into Pitnick in the break room, and he makes a joke about how I’m “sitting around, as usual.” I manage to spit into his coffee while he’s not looking.

6:50 PM – I begin the long, arduous process of filling out the paperwork for the collapsed gingerbread puppy pen.

8:50 PM – I realize that I haven’t made any presents for my children yet. I go retrieve some from Toy Storage Unit 23.

9:30 PM – Heraldine comes to me with a toy-related crisis: the wiring I gave her for the toy robots was faulty, and about 3,000 units now burst into flame when you turn them on. I tell her to put them all with the toys for the naughty kids.

9:45 PM – I congratulate myself on killing two birds with one stone, have a nightcap, and go to bed.

Excerpts from “That’s So Scrooge,” Disney Channel’s Retelling of “A Christmas Carol”

by Melissa Chiasson

TJ: “Scrooge, can we stop working on this volcano diorama for science class and play in the snow?”

Scrooge: “I suppose, TJ. But what if I get an A for this project with you only putting in some of the work? That’s not fair.”

TJ is already out the door, hurriedly putting on a coat

Scrooge gives an exasperated sigh.

Scrooge: “Oh brother.”

—————————————————————————————

The ghost of Marley, Scrooge’s recently deceased dog, appears in his room, a chain wrapped around his body, from which dog toys and rawhide bones hang.

Marley: “SCROOOOOOGE”

Scrooge: “Marley, you can talk? This is awesome!”

[audience laughs]

Marley: “You will be visited by three spirits this evening.”

Scrooge, hopefully: “Is one of them Becky from social studies?”

[audience laughs]

—————————————————————————————

The Ghost of Christmas Past takes him to a classroom, where young Scrooge is sitting all by himself.

GoCP: “What were you doing, Ebenezer?”

Scrooge: “I was finishing a book report for class because I wanted to get a good grade.”

GoCP: “And where is everyone else?”

Scrooge: “At the Christmas party. But I didn’t have a date.”

[audience awwwws]

GoCP, rolling her eyes: “That sweater probably wasn’t helping.”

[audience laughs]

—————————————————————————————

The Ghost of Christmas Future points to a photo on the wall.

Scrooge: “Why do you point to that photo?”

Unmoved, the Ghost continues to point.

Scrooge: “Tell me, Spirit, is this really my future? Can I change it?

The Ghost does not respond. Scrooge draws near to the wall, where a display of senior superlatives rests. Scrooge searches for his face under “Coolest” or “Best Hair.” His face turns to a grimace as he spots his photo under “Most studious.”

Scrooge: “Please, Spirit, no! Becky will never go out with me if I’m a nerd!”

—————————————————————————————

Scrooge wakes up, in his own bed.

Scrooge: “It was all a dream! I will change, I promise, Spirits!”

There’s a knock on the door.

Mom: “Ebenezer, are you in there? You’ve got a visitor.”

Scrooge: “Come in!”

Becky stands in the doorway, wearing a Christmas sweater.

[audience whistles inappropriately at a 14-year-old actress]

Becky: “Merry Christmas, Scrooge!”

Scrooge: “Merry Christmas, Becky!”

Marley, peeking out from under Scrooge’s bed: “Oh brother.”

Tip of the Day #227

by Jordy Greenblatt

‘E’ is the most common letter in the English language so if you’re answering a multiple choice question with 5 options, always go for ‘E.’

Son, The Only Way for You to Learn From This Experience is to Drink the Entire Bottle of Rubbing Alcohol

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’m not angry, Sam, but I’m extremely disappointed in you. Your mother and I get home an hour early from our party and what do we find? Our 14 year old son in the middle of opening a bottle of our liquor. It pains me to say it, but the only way I can be sure this never happens again is if you drink the entire bottle of rubbing alcohol.

I’m tired of your excuses. If you think I’m gonna fall for the old “I think I have a fever and I need to clean off the thermometer” gag, you’ve got another thing coming. No, you started this the moment you took off that cap and we’re not leaving this room until you drink every last drop.

Isopropyl? Look, you can spit out all the phony sci fi technobabble you want, but one thing you won’t spit out is that booze. Alcohol is alcohol and I’ll be damned if I let my son wind up wasting his high school career on that crap. Trust me, I’m not going to enjoy watching any more than you enjoy drinking it.

Some day you’re gonna thank me for this. What’s that? Poisonous? All of a sudden Mr. “Old Enough to Drink” can’t handle his liquor. Bullshit! You made your bed and now you’re gonna sleep in it.

I don’t like being the bad guy. But I’ve seen too many people go down that road and never come back. And the speech always sounds the same no matter who says it. It’s always, “I don’t need it, I just like it” or “it helps me get through the day” or “it has three carbon atoms, not two.”

It’s a lot better that you learn a painful lesson tonight so that I can trust you in the future. I never want to relive the time I caught your brother messing around with acid and made him eat a whole box of batteries.

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