by Jordy Greenblatt
Have you been a little too naughty this year? Cheated on your taxes? Taken your family for granted? Coveted your neighbor’s goods and/or wife? Nothing is more important to us at the Vatican than the wellbeing of your eternal soul. So if you don’t want to suffer temporal punishment, all you have to do is confess, find the package for you, and shell out some blessed greenbacks. If you do want to suffer temporal punishment, then you are a perverted masochist so you’re going to need it even more.
Economy Package: Covers turning backpacks inside out, tapping someone on the opposite shoulder so they look and you’re not there and then trying to convince them that nothing happened so they think they’re going a little crazy, tying a coworker’s shoes together, taking stuff from the lost and found that you didn’t actually lose, scratching a domestic car, proliferating bawdy or ribald humor, thoughts involving scantily clad people, eating your roommate’s food out of the fridge, and publicly displaying cleavage.
Bronze Package: Covers lying about getting STD tests, secretly slipping meat into a vegetarian’s food, scratching an imported car, downloading a virus on a borrowed computer so that when they go on they’re swamped with ads for online gambling venues until they have to get the Geek Squad to restore the factory settings, thoughts involving nude people, punching someone over 18, counterfitting non-American currency, eating meat on a Friday.
Silver Package: Pleasureless masturbation, hunting a neighbor’s dog for sport, punching someone over 8, stealing a car, murdering a non-celebrity, throwing a rager while your parents are in the Poconos and letting your friends drink half a bottle of 25 year old scotch and then filling it with flat cream soda so your poor father humiliates himself in front of his colleagues after talking up the bottle for weeks, cursing on national television, watching and enjoying the movie Love Actually, counterfeiting American currency.
Gold Package: Pleasurable masturbation, hunting humans for sport, somehow stealing a house, murdering a celebrity, punching a baby or young child, counterfeiting American currency, burning a building for the insurance money and then using the money to plan a brilliant heist from an orphanage and then using the heist money to kill a family member for the life insurance, extincting a species.
Platinum Package: Not being Catholic.