PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: June, 2015

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 192

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“That’s one small step for Neil Armstrong, and one giant leap for people who are going to remember Neil Armstrong’s name for all eternity.”
–Neil Armstrong

5 Things You Should Never Put in the Dishwasher

by Lincoln Sedlacek

1. Cast Iron Swords
Cast iron requires some more attention than your regular pots and pans and shouldn’t be put in the dishwasher. Instead, wash a cast-iron sword with a sponge (don’t use soap), apply a light coating of vegetable oil, and then wipe off the excess oil as much as possible. If by chance you take off some of the sword’s smooth seasoning, you should re-season it after cleaning.

2. Pitchers of Red Dye 40 and White Tuxedos
Yes, a dishwasher will clean out an unemptied pitcher of Red Dye 40. It will clean a white tuxedo as well. But if you put both of these things in the dishwasher at the same time, your nitpicky spouse will go on and on about how you should wash the pitchers of Red Dye 40 and the white tuxedo separately.

3. Crystal Glasses or Amulets of Kalissya
This one might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people let dish detergent and heat chip or crack their fine crystal. You can protect your fine champagne glasses, along with your necklaces granting you immortality, by hand-washing them instead.

4. Bombs with Less Than 30 Minutes Left on Their Timers
Yes, a dishwasher will get a bomb reading 29:59, 16:38, or even 00:47 absolutely sparkling. But a normal dishwasher isn’t going to finish its cycle in time for you to be able to defuse the typical timed explosive, so you may want to hand-wash this one.

5. Hamsters
R.I.P. Tibbles.

The Time I Read an Article About Box Jellyfish in Men’s Health Magazine, In Graphs

by Melissa Chiasson

boxjellyfish1_final boxjellyfish2_final

Source

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 665

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me. Later tonight, when we are playing Sorry!
–Jesus Christ

Ways to Ensure No One Takes the Seat Next to You on the Megabus

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Set an empty can of beans, a half-eaten sack of prunes, and a burrito wrapper conspicuously on the seat next to you
  • Hold the game Candy Land firmly against your chest and eagerly nod and gesture to the seat next to you every time someone walks by
  • Look deeply engrossed in Lolita and enthusiastically whisper, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” every time someone comes close to sitting next to you
  • Every time someone approaches, place your hand over the seat suspiciously, firmly grip the top of your backpack, and say, “Are you a cop?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about the Dark Lord Bhak-N’ah, may he rule under us for all eternity?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you mind if I sing the Seussical soundtrack for the entire trip?”
  • Sit next to the bathroom

Tip of the Day #203

by Lincoln Sedlacek

One can dramatically decrease their risk of bacterial infection by not injecting cultures of bacteria directly into their veins.

Father’s Day Cards

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Card: A cartoonish dog is holding up a cake against a tackily-colored background. The inside says, “Happy Father’s Day,” under which a handwritten note reads, “I couldn’t think of what to write here, but I hope you enjoy your present!”

Meaning: “Please show this card to Mom. It will make her feel better after she realizes how much more money I spent on your Father’s Day gift than her Mother’s Day gift.”


Card: A single American flag stands against a cloudless sky. On the inside are the hastily scrawled words, “Happy Father’s Day,” a heartfelt note, and a $50 gift card to Applebee’s.

Meaning: “I felt really bad about forgetting Father’s Day until it was so late that the only cards left were for the Fourth of July.”


Card: On the front there’s a little kid’s baseball glove nestled inside of an adult baseball glove, kind of like they’re two hands holding each other. It says, “To the dad who was always ready to play catch.” The inside has a handwritten note that looks like it was made illegible on purpose.

Meaning: “Thank you for always accepting me, provided I lived up to your standards of masculinity from a very early age.”


Card: A macaroni card showing a father and his child holding hands. The inside reads, “No matter how old I am, I’ll always be your little boy/girl–and you’ll always be my dad.”

Meaning: “I do not have enough money to buy a real present, or a real card. This card was an entire day’s worth of meals.”


Card: The front shows a stapler and the words, “Thanks for holding everything together.” The inside says “We wouldn’t be where we are without you. Happy [scribbled out] Day!” with the word “Father’s” written over the scribbled out bit.

Meaning: “I wanted to get you a card that made it clear how great I thought you were as a stay-at-home dad. But thanks to the sexism in the greeting card industry, the closest I could come was getting you an Administrative Professionals’ Day card and making a few strategic alterations.”


Card: A father and son are smiling as they sit in a boat and fish. On the inside it says, “Here’s to the good times. Happy Father’s Day.”

Meaning: “The only good times we had were when we sat in silence and lured animals to their death.”

Wet T-shirt Contest Rubric

by Melissa Chiasson

What is the style of contestant’s t-shirt?

  1. crop top
  2. v-neck
  3. baseball tee
  4. henley
  5. long-sleeve turtleneck

Threadcount of t-shirt is approximately…

  1. 50
  2. 70
  3. 90
  4. 120
  5. 140

Is t-shirt properly hemmed? If not, ask contestant whether he or she has access to a qualified tailor.

When contestant pours water over t-shirt, shirt looks

  1. Sheer
  2. Semi-sheer
  3. Opaque

Upon inspection, how wet is contestant’s t-shirt?

  1. Soaking
  2. Very wet
  3. Reasonably damp
  4. Moist
  5. Bone dry

Has contestant competed before in the same t-shirt? If so, rate durability of t-shirt on scale of 1-10.

Overall impression of t-shirt quality, including water retention during chest shake, is

  1. Exceptional
  2. Good
  3. Average
  4. Below par
  5. Unacceptable

Contestant’s motivation appears to be

  1. Showcase the fine craftsmanship of his or her t-shirt
  2. Celebrate the diversity of t-shirt styles
  3. Bring attention to the issue of poor t-shirt construction
  4. Engage in a shallow display of human sexuality that defiles the wholesome spirit of wet t-shirt contests

Just a Thought: Controversy

by Jordy Greenblatt

With all the controversy surrounding Rachel Dolezal, one thought keeping going through my head: Would Garrison Keillor’s career ever recover if it came out that he wasn’t actually from Lake Wobegon?

Dedicated to Walter Greenblatt, Happy Birthday Dad!

Pregnancy Test Instructions for Women in Their Mid-Twenties

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Urinate on the enclosed stick
  • Clean up drops of urine nervously splattered on toilet seat resulting from stress peeing
  • Check stick despite absolute certainty that test is not finished yet
  • Consider an appropriate public space to inform Jeff of your pregnancy where he has to remain calm and can’t run off like when you asked him to add you to his Netflix account
  • Look around bathroom for a strand of Jeff’s hair for a DNA test just in case he does run
  • Check stick again
  • Pretend not to have been paying attention as an excuse to check one more time
  • Hope that somehow Jeff can take better care of a baby than a goldfish
  • Kick self for not keeping a bottle of wine in the bathroom
  • Drink two thirds of a bottle of Scope instead
  • Tell self you lost track of time so you should check the stick again
  • Convince self that Jeff is mature enough for this
  • Convince self that self is mature enough for this
  • Put on Sweet Child of Mine and curl into fetal position on bathroom floor
  • Check timer to discover there are still 53 seconds left
  • Check stick anyway
  • Remember time when Jeff forgot to take cookies out of the oven and blamed the disappearance of the cookies, the broken oven, and the smoke all on the dog
  • Remember how he still sticks to that story and tries to leave the room as fast as possible whenever it comes up
  • Watch YouTube clip of a baby tasting a lemon for the first time to remind yourself this is not necessarily a bad thing
  • Google “youtube baby phenomenon make parent millionaire”
  • Stare into space until timer goes off and then jump up so fast you almost smash the stick
  • Check stick
    • If minus sign is present, dump Jeff’s dumb ass
    • If plus sign is present, finish bottle of Scope

-Melissa Chiasson and Jordy Greenblatt

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