PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Category: Lists

February 16, 2018

Things I Would Expect Someone Named Stormy Daniels to Say

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Yarrrr… there be a strong wind comin’ up a-stern
  • Turn back? Ol’ Stormy Daniels was ne’er set off course by a spot o’ rain!
  • I sent me harpoon a half yard into the heart o’ the wretched beast! Mrs. Daniels and the li’l ones will feast for nigh a fortnight on the flesh o’ that foul kracken o’ the deep!
  • Ahoy mateys, ye best be certain to leave a dram of that there grog for yer dear ol’ Capt’n Dan!
  • It’s 1 million for a half hour interview, 5 million for the tapes, and 20 if you want a swab of his DNA.
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June 27, 2016

The Cats Behind Game of Thrones

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Meowsie Williams
  • Kitty Harrington
  • Catalie Dormer
  • Panther Dinklage
  • Nikalico Coster-Waldau
  • Clawrice van Houten
  • Fluffie Allen
  • Yawn Bradley-West
  • Meowin’ Rheon
  • Napalie Emmanuel
  • Chasin’ Mamoa
  • Hisselle Fairley
  • Snack Gleeson
  • Purry McCann
  • Snarles Dance
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April 4, 2016

Unconventional Uses for Common Hashtags

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Ugg, my brita’s broken. Guess it’s just a pitcher now. #nofilter

Look out US Census Bureau, my forms are in the mail! #represent

Wow i met five people named Oscar today. I really figured one of them would be latino but turns out there were all caucasian. #oscarssowhite

Lot of snow and ice on the roads tonight. Everyone drive slowly and be safe! Remember, #yolo

Standing in front of the memorial commemorating where Joan of Arc was burned at the stake. Amazing thinking of this amazing woman’s place in history! #inspired #myhero #thisgirlisonfire

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March 28, 2016

Quizzes I Submitted to Buzzfeed That They Refused to Publish

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Ben & Jerry’s Flavor or Pornographic Film Title?

We Can Tell Exactly Where You Live – Seriously, the Exact Address – Based on the Answer to This One Simple Question

How Many of These Offensive Slurs Do You Know?

Do You Know the Answer to These Five Questions About Trying LSD for the First Time? I’m Asking for a Friend.

Are These Words Cheeses, Fonts, or Things I Just Made Up to Distract You While This Site Puts Malware on Your Computer?

Can You Answer These Nine Questions About the Digits in Your Social Security Number?

Which Third of the Human Centipede Are You?

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March 16, 2016

Members of the Superhero Squad “Team Taste”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Cinnamonster
  • Major Marjoram
  • The Real Dill
  • Outta Thyme
  • CILANTRON
  • Caper Caper
  • The Four Seasonings

 

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March 9, 2016

Beauty and the Beast Deleted Scenes

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A deleted scene at the beginning where the sorceress who cursed the Beast also curses the town where Belle lives so that, without realizing it, they all speak in English despite living in France.
  • Mrs. Potts’ lament, where she shares what it’s like for her son, Chip, to have experienced such a traumatic head injury.
  • A segment where Cogsworth helps Belle fill out the 27 pages of paperwork required for her to access the Forbidden West Wing.
  • Right after the song Something There That Wasn’t There Before, where we find out that the “something” Belle was referring to was a bit of spinach between the Beast’s teeth.
  • The part at the end where Lumière changes back from a candle into a live man with his head on fire.
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March 7, 2016

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Moving for Love

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • If you moved and things didn’t work out, would you or your partner resent the other?
  • Have you and your partner discussed a long-term future together?
  • Are you sure?
  • Sometimes you think you and your partner are discussing a long-term future together, but what you’re really discussing is what it would take to convince you to move wherever they go to chase their dreams. Not exactly a question, but important to think about nonetheless.
  • Is the new city one you can picture yourself being happy in?
  • At the very least, is the new city one you can picture yourself not living in Cleveland in?
  • Who are you trying to convince by looking something like this up on the internet, anyway? You realize pretty much the only possible answer is “yourself,” right?
  • Okay, so you say you wouldn’t resent your partner if you moved and things didn’t work out. Let’s litmus-test that: do you already find yourself resenting your partner for minor things, like never liking your Facebook posts or frequently eating the last brownie?
  • Can you afford the move?
  • If not, can you afford hearing the implied “I told you so” in your mother’s voice when you call her to ask for money?
  • Do you love your relationship with this person more than you love your local craft beer?
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March 2, 2016

Catchphrases I’d Use if I Were a Judge for the NBA Dunk Contest

by Melissa Chiasson

“Hoop! There it is.”

“And down goes the old leather pumpkin!”

“Looks like someone took a class in underwater basket-DUNKING in college.”

“It must be the evening after Jaime broke up with me and destroyed my self confidence, because there are NO REBOUNDS TONIGHT!”

“Dunk, dunk, goose!”

“I like my basketball hoops the same way I like my Oreos – DOUBLE STUFFED.”

“Michael Jordan might have had jumps, but my goodness does this kid have him beat in the elaborate bicep tattoo category.”

“Anyone in the mood for a snack? Because there are some DUNKAROOS out on that court.”

“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more balls going in. Wait, can I get a redo?”

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September 11, 2015

Types of Clothing That Apparently Don’t Exist, According to My Company’s Dress Code

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Dress shorts
  • Sleeveless polo shirts
  • Formal flip-flops
  • Proper professional sweat pants
  • Business casual bathrobes
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August 31, 2015

If Julius Caesar Were a Series of Modern Comedies

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Julius Caesar
  • Julius Caesar: Et 2 Brute
  • Julius Caesar 3: The Family Jules
  • Julius Caesar 4: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Rears!
  • Julius Caesar 5: Can We Please Stop Pretending That This Is Even Vaguely Based off of the Shakespeare Play and Just Have a Bunch of Bath House Scenes Already?
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