PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: July, 2014

Tip of the Day #105

by Lincoln Sedlacek

To avoid accidentally using offensive language in your writing, only use words found on the packaging of the food in your cabinet.

Names I Would Call a Kid Named Rob Berger if I Were a Playground Bully

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Rob Booger
  • Bob’s Burgers
  • Bobby Bergy
  • Burger Robber
  • Hamburglar
  • Fuck Face

Just a Thought: Colors

by Lincoln Sedlacek

It’s a good thing we don’t have a holiday to honor the colors red, green, blue, and yellow because that would be a doozy for whoever designs those Google Doodles.

You, My Friend, Are Going to Be One Delicious Hot Dog

by Jordy Greenblatt

Here we are, buddy. Just you, me, a wide assortment of fixin’s, and an ironic bib with a hot dog eating a human in a bun. You’ve had a quite a journey from factory to store, fridge, and finally grill. Now the time has come for you to fulfill your destiny. You, my friend, are going to be one delicious hot dog.

I can see you dripping with anticipation. I don’t know if it’s my eagerness for that first succulent bite, the waves of rich barbecue smoke wafting into my face, or some combination thereof, but I too find myself unable to keep the perspiration from my brow. But as we figuratively hold hands and dive into this unknown abyss of edible ecstasy together, I do so without reservation or regret.

This one last minute of you sizzling on the grill, gradually expanding and letting off the sweet sound of tiny beads of grease welling up and exploding feels like a lifetime. With each pop you dance a beautiful waltz meant for me and me alone. Wetting my lips one last tantalizing time, I reach for the tongs. I can hear them jingle wildly as my hands quiver. Their steely arms put you in one last embrace, bringing you up like the Prophet to the heavens.

My breathing grows rapid and erratic and you softly fall into the bun like an angel resting its weary head on a cloud. I grip your new wheaty home in a viselike two-handed grip, for I will not drop you, dearest. Slowly, slowly you approach my lips as they widen to accommodate your juicy girth. You enter and my jaws close around you, engulfing you in that eternal embrace known only to lover and beloved, killer and victim, hotdog and hotdog aficionado. Deeply, I swallow that first bite and, overwhelmed with my passion and unwavering devotion, I close my eyes and let a single tear fall down my cheek in tandem with the morsel of savory meat and cushiony bun sliding down my throat. Hmmmm…

Needs some ketchup.

E. E. Cummings Writes a Yelp Review for a Phoenix-area Olive Garden

by Melissa Chiasson

infinite breadsticks)

they beguile me from their basket while

whitney the waitress asks me what i’d like to order

as if i would know what to do with this tome

you call a menu

 

(stuffedmushrooms)

caprese flatbread aka pizza

fettucine alfredo,yawn

crab-topped chicken(wtf)

i’ll have the lasagna classico and two bottles of wine

yes, that’s all for one judge

much whitney?

 

terra cotta walls desperately channel tuscan villa

as the hooters across the parking lot promises

hot wings        and                     cold brewskis

 

this wine is terrible but it will

get you drunk

this lasagna is terrible and it will

not get you drunk

so I am drinking wine and eating my fourth basket of breadsticks

tiramisu for everyone, on me

toodrunk

 

god this is an

awful place Whitney

i have seen men die and

this is worse

why yes i’ll accept another(

 

Tip of the Day #575

by Jordy Greenblatt

Bears are more afraid of you than you are of squirrels.

Inappropriate Responses to “Your Check, Sir”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Checks her! I don’t even know her!
  • And here is your 2% tip.
  • What? I didn’t order a check!
  • (sultrily) The check? Oh, goodness me! How ever am I going to pay for this? Do you accept sex?
  • No, I’m sorry, I was asking for the Czech waiter.
  • My check? What the…? Oooooh. I get it. Yes, my “check.” (winks) Thank you very much, ma’am. (winks again)
  • Ah, how clever! You listed everything I purchased and how much it cost, and then added it all together on this little slip of paper so I know what to pay!
  • (shoots the waiter; then, while throwing the bartender a twenty on the way out) Sorry about the mess.

Just a Thought: Economics

by Jordy Greenblatt

Anyone who says, “Why are all the good ones taken?” should be required to take an economics course.

Door-Holding Etiquette

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. If you are at the front of a group of several people walking through a door, you should hold the door for the rest of the group.
  2. If you are in such a group but not at the front, you should allow your hand to linger on the door as you walk through, to signal to the door-holder that you are willing to accept the burden of holding the door.
  3. You are exempted from Rule 2 if (a) the hand you would use to hold the door is broken or amputated, or (b) the person currently holding the door is a purse-snatcher, and you are a cop who is trying to catch them.
  4. You should ignore Rule 2 in situations where you are the second person in the group and there are two sets of doors. Instead, you should become the holder of the second set of doors.
  5. In the situation described in Rule 3, Exemption (b), it is considered courteous to thank the purse-snatcher for holding the door for you.
  6. Infants are exempted from door-holding rules, unless the infant states that they would prefer to forfeit their exemption.
  7. In the case of automatic doors, no one has to hold them. This is because automatic doors open without anyone having to touch them, so holding them would unnecessarily complicate the process of walking through them.
  8. If you hold the door open for a stranger who is less than 20 feet behind you and they don’t increase their speed, you are allowed to sigh audibly as they walk through (unless they are an infant).
  9. If you are a prison warden who is leaving a cell full of inmates, you do not have to hold the cell door as you walk out. Prison inmates should not be leaving their cells.
  10. If you are the first person to enter a revolving door, you must keep their hand on the door as is the case with more common doors in Rule 2. Once you have passed through, you do not have to continue holding the door. In fact, this will make it harder for the other people to go through the door so it is strongly discouraged.
  11. If you are a host on a game show where a group of contestants are guessing which door a prize is behind, you do not have to hold the doors open unless each door has a second door behind it, meaning you will have to hold the first doors open so that they can point to the second doors when choosing to open them.
  12. Only even rules apply to trapdoor situations, only the second half of those rules apply to revolving trapdoor situations, and only rules divisible by four apply to automatic revolving trapdoor situations.
  13. If you are invading a castle and are at the front of a line of soldiers who have just succeeded in breaking down the front door, it is your responsibility to clear any corpses away from the door before charging through it.
  14. Rule 13 is especially important if the castle has revolving doors (unless the corpses are those of infants, which are usually too small to impede the movement of the door).

My Sexual Harassment Policy

by Melissa Chiasson

Shirtless men: Fair game.

Non-shirtless men: Fair game, unless wearing “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” t-shirt, in which case just a curt nod will do.

Coworkers: Off-limits if a witness is present, otherwise a casual “Hey cowboy, how’s it hanging?” accompanied by a buttslap is totally admissible.

Orthodontists: It’s his job to put his fingers in your mouth, so he’s basically asking for it.

Buddhist monks: Is that a prayer flag in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Michael Caine: Been there, done that.

Deli owners: NOPE. You do not want to alienate the person who makes your meatball subs.

Construction workers: Nothing wrong with telling a man he’d look better with just that fluorescent “Safety Officer” vest on.

Clarence Thomas: While you may take away my access to birth control through my employer, you can never take away my right to look at that sweet, sweet ass.

Human Resources officer: Now that you’ve read those 19 complaints against me, I’ve got one myself: why are you still wearing those khakis?

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