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Month: June, 2014

I Would Be Great at Having a Mistress

by River Clegg

I would be great at having a mistress. I’m a people person. I’m thoughtful. I make good money. I’m six foot one. I would be awesome at having a mistress.

For example, if my mistress wanted to vent about her day, I would absolutely be up for that. Because it’s not just about sex – it’s about companionship. After all, life is short and love is a complicated thing. Not that we’d have to be in love.

My mistress and I wouldn’t care about labels.

Our days together would be romantic and carefree. We’d walk in the park and look at the couples in swan boats and laugh about how silly they look. But then we’d eye each other knowingly and – you guessed it – the next minute we’d be in a swan boat of our own, cuddling and giggling and wearing dark glasses in case someone sees us.

Before going further, I should say that my mistress wouldn’t distract me from my amazing family. My wife, Carol, is smart, beautiful and in great shape. Connor is 13 and loves baseball, and Madison is 6 and knows all her state capitals. They would be crushed to learn that I began a relationship with a mistress, which is why I wouldn’t tell them about it.

Not telling my family about my mistress is a big reason I’d be good at having a mistress.

Now, the 800 lb. gorilla in the room: Sex. Not that gorillas make me think about sex. Ha! Did I mention I have a great sense of humor? It’s one of the things my mistress would like about me.

But seriously, sex. Sexually speaking, my mistress would be extremely satisfied. I’ve had sex in all four positions, and I would make sure to show them to her and field any questions she might have. I would initiate sex with my mistress frequently, either by asking, “Do you want to have sex?” or by just touching her shoulder real slow.

My mistress would never want for anything, be it a set of nice earrings or a gift of similar value. If she likes pearls, then pearls it is. If she sees an expensive watch she can’t live without, it might depend on whether I’ve already bought her the pearls, and what their return policy is.

Either way, a gift is a nice gesture that shows I care.

You may be asking yourself, what if my mistress falls too deeply in love with me, since, as I noted, I’m six foot one? I would guard against this by gently reminding her that I have a family and that they’re the most important thing in my life, even though Carol has been a little naggy lately, and Connor is entering that phase where he doesn’t talk to me much and sometimes I think he doesn’t love me, even though I know in my head that can’t be true, and Madison has decided that she’s no longer going to wear shoes.

They’re my everything.

Whenever my mistress and I just need to get away from it all, we’d go to the movies. We’d snuggle in the seats and drift off into the big screen’s story, and on our way out of the theater, we’d feel like the world is new again. We’d breathlessly go over our favorite scenes and I’d quote a few lines, since I’m always good at memorizing them. My mistress would find this cute, not annoying, and we’d know that even if this isn’t forever, it’s nice while it lasts.

If my mistress needed some groceries, I’d be happy to pick some up on my way over. If she were unhappy with the eggs I got – she likes the organic kind, I always forget – I’d apologize and everything would be okay. I’d even offer to go get the right kind, but of course she’d say not to worry about it. Then I’d help her in the kitchen instead of just zoning out in front of the TV, and we’d eat dinner together and talk. Really just talk. We might even break out the Scrabble board and play over candlelight, joking to ourselves about how I always manage to pull the Q, and we’d play generously, willing to set each other up for a triple word score. We’ll play the way we did before Connor was born, back when her mother was healthy and I had just been promoted at work and we hadn’t even hit our first anniversary yet. God. We were so excited back then.

We were so happy.

If my mistress needed help putting a shelf together, I could probably do that too.

 

A Note to Potential Investors About My New Venture, Ursus Enterprises

by Melissa Chiasson

Dear sir or madam:

Today I want to tell you about an exciting opportunity to participate in a new business that will revolutionize social media, technology, and…synergy? Sure, let’s just go with that.

Now to really sell this idea, let me give you a scenario: a 25-year-old graduate student has a crippling gambling addiction, and bets a lot (A LOT) of money on Bosnia-Herzegovina to go all the way in the World Cup. After Bosnia-Herzegovina is eliminated, she cries on the floor of the bar bathroom for a solid hour and is then presented with two options: find the money within a week or find the money within a week. When she points out how that’s redundant to the Colombian gentleman sitting in her living room in the dark with a baseball bat, he rolls his eyes and says “that’s the whole point.” Anyway, she hastily brainstorms some start-up ideas totally unrelated to the situation described above and has some exciting business plans she would like to share.

You might be thinking, “Wow, Melissa, based on the enclosed resume, you have an excellent science education and extensive lab experience…do you have an idea for a biotech start-up?” or “Jesus, why is this resume written entirely in crayon?”

Yes, it’s true that I have a lot of experience in both biology and the crayon arts. Today, however, I would like to tell you about a groundbreaking business idea: me, dancing anywhere, anytime, in a bear suit.

You have a lot of questions, I know. What kind of bear? What kind of dancing? How in any scenario is this profitable?

Astute queries, to be sure. First, I think having a diversity of bear suits and dance styles would be ideal, and if you decide to invest, I’d love your suggestions! You name it, I’ll do it—I’m game for anything!

Seriously, anything.

As for your questions about economic feasibility, you will notice I have enclosed a tentative operating budget and business plan for this new venture. You’ll see that I’m being very cost conscious, and I am more than willing to negotiate with you on specific budget items once you buy in. You will also notice there is a large line item labeled “Miscellaneous expenses to be paid in cash oh god I hope they don’t kill me.” That is supposed to read “Miscellaneous expenses,” and is, unfortunately, non-negotiable.

Turning your attention to the business plan, you can see my provisional rate schedule and ideas for events and marketing. It is purely a coincidence that the per hour rate for my bear dancing is equal to the aforementioned line item.

If you want to be part of this bear suit dancing movement, don’t hesitate! Please send your cash investment in the enclosed envelope with a crude crayon diagram of me in a bear suit doing the electric slide. Or better yet, just give me the money in person! I can meet you at any ATM in the country with enough warning. If you’re unsure about investing, but would like me to break it down at a birthday party, wedding, or first communion, please call me ASAP, like within hours, if possible.

My passion is betting on the over/under dancing in a bear suit. Your passion is giving people large sums of money. Together, we can keep me alive long enough to make Ursus Enterprises a reality.

Sincerely,

Melissa Chiasson

President, Ursus Enterprises

Tip of the Day #279

by Jordy Greenblatt

Although there are many ways to skin a cat, the most efficient is to start below the sternum and work your way down.

Other Things Carrie Underwood Did to the Car of That Guy Who Cheated on Her

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Spilled Orange Soda in the cup holder
  • Turned the radio to a station he didn’t like
  • Took the sun shade out of the windshield
  • Reprogrammed the GPS so that when he tried to go home, it took him to Rahway, NJ
  • Left an open can of tuna fish to rot in a hard-to-reach spot
  • Moved it to the other side of the parking lot so he’d think it was stolen
  • Filled the CD player with Nicholas Sparks audiobooks
  • Left a post-it on the steering wheel saying she’d loosened one of the nuts on one of the hubcaps, but not specifying which one
  • Wrote “WASH ME ;-)” in the dirt on the rear windshield
  • Put his dead body in the trunk

Just a Thought: Jeopardy!

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Jeopardy’s “answer in the form of a question” format is just unrealistic. I don’t think that if I were asked the question, “What is missing a leg?” my answer would be, “It was the anatomical oddity of US gymnast George Eyser, who won a gold medal on the parallel bars in 1904.” I’d probably go with “a partially built table” or “my neighbor’s cat, who had that bad run-in with a lawnmower.”

Rejected Disney Sidekicks

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Aladdin: Hassan, an enchanted fez whose hopeless crush on Jasmine’s headband causes him to feel self-conscious about his stained felt and fraying tassels
  • The Lion King: Mosalo, the giraffe interior decorator of Pride Rock whose suggestions generally involve heightening doorways
  • Snow White: Rusty, the eighth dwarf whose out of date mining tools regularly cause the “____ days without an accident” counter to reset
  • The Little Mermaid: Starry, a starfish always looking for excuses to practice her underwater cartwheels
  • Mulan: Xin Liu, a fortune cookie who announces his consistently grisly predictions through a Daffy Duck-like lisp
  • Beauty and the Beast: Floretta, Belle’s laundry chute who frequently complains about her sweat stains and mocks her taste in dresses
  • Toy Story: Mr. Wiggles, a mysterious tube-like toy confined to Andy’s Mom’s nightstand
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