PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: January, 2016

Audio Clips That Are Apparently Programmed into My Gym’s Treadmills

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Choose your workout.”

“Watching Flip That House on HGTV is not a workout. Please choose an exercise regimen.”

“Are you sure you don’t want something a bit more challenging?”

“You realize that your chosen workout will burn about as many calories as the average 3rd grader burns during a 15-minute recess, right?”

“Okay, home improvement and the ‘high school hallway’ workout, it is.”

“Is that your heart-rate? Good god, you’ve only been on the treadmill for 15 seconds.”

“I know that you are supposed to be able to watch shows with no commercials, but I’m going to put on some health insurance ads anyway.”

“Are you training for a marathon? Maybe you should start smaller, like training for the walk to the subway station nearest your apartment.”

“Your workout is 50% complete, as is your life if you keep up this sedentary lifestyle.”

“You know how they say, ‘Pain is weakness leaving the body’? Well, you know what that slight tingling of physical exertion is? That’s weakness going down to the front lobby of your body and telling the receptionist that it wants to extend its reservation by seven years.”

“Hey! See that cute lawyer over by the dumbbells? If you hurry, you might be able to leave before she sees you completing such an embarrassing workout.”

“Okay, so I’ll tell you a little secret. Your workout is technically complete now, because I was unable to move slowly enough to accommodate your requested workout. So please, please just leave and make room for someone who wants to actually exercise.”

“Hooray, they flipped the house! The buyer is signing the paperwork! And that signature is burning more calories than you have this entire time!”

“Your sad, pathetic workout is complete. See you ne—DON’T YOU DARE START AN EPISODE OF STORAGE WARS!”

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Menu Items at Illegal Sea Foods

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Boneless Albatross Wing
Tired of trying to decide whether you want 6, 8, or 12 wings? With the albatross wing, you just need one! This five-foot plate of juicy albatross meat is the perfect appetizer for large groups; it may not be sustainable, but it can totally sustain six to eight people until their entrees arrive.

Sea Turtle Soup
Served in a turtle-shell bowl, this soup is made with sea salt, kelp, and delicious chunks of fresh loggerhead sea turtle, diced daily by our in-house motorboat propeller.

Manatee Burger
The best beef doesn’t come from a cow – it comes from a sea cow. This all-manatee-meat burger is cooked over Australian scarlet coral and served with a side of endangered seagrass salad.

Northern Sea Otter Cutlets
If this tender otter meat sells any faster, it’ll go extinct in no time! Illegal Sea Foods is proud to say that all of our otter meat is cage-free, as keeping otters in cages in our restaurant would make it way too easy for the federal government to discover and shut down our operation.

Whale Ice Cream
This ice cream is made with real melted whale fat, and is covered in an absolute oil slick of our hot fudge. Save the whales? More like save some room for them!

Fragrances in Yankee Candle’s New NFL Collection

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Fresh Cut Turf
  • Leather Football
  • Coors Light and Velveeta
  • Jerry Jones Silicone
  • Blue Gatorade
  • Peonies? Or Toast? (Proceeds go to CTE Research Fund)
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