PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: May, 2015

Money-Saving Tips for Summer Vacation

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Remember that hotel rooms are massively under-priced if a global pandemic originated in them
  • Only take your favorite child
  • Tell yourself that vacationing is a state of mind or some bullshit
  • Take heart that, thanks to today’s economy, siphoning gas is not the taboo it once was
  • St. Bart’s is a popular destination, but the budget-savvy traveler knows that many of the same luxuries can be had for a fraction of the price in Barbados
  • Marry a lonely and aged heiress who will take you places for free
  • Steal tons of shit
  • “Accidentally” bring your expired credit cards
  • Tip Vegas strippers in hyper-inflated Zimbabwean bills
  • Instead of wasting money at an overpriced hotel bar, mix your own daiquiris with ice from the urinal and fermented Nestle Strawberry Quik
  • Save on a beach vacation by sunbathing nude in an elementary school sandbox
  • Try to get your credit card stolen by someone you think will spend less than you do
  • Instead of paying for hotel rooms, just go home with a different person every night. Make sure your spouse and children have the skills necessary to do the same.
  • The cheapest vacation destinations are in Farina, IL, Topeka, KS, and the middle of the Sahara Desert. These places are also god-awful, so you’ll be unlikely to spend lots of money on souvenirs or having fun.
  • Everyone likes luxurious hotels and fancy restaurants, but if your kids are young enough they’ll be just as happy to stay in a Motel 6 and eat McDonald’s for every meal

-Melissa Chiasson, River Clegg, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

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Tip of the Day #309

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Americans typically write dates with the month before the day – for example, 5/26/2015. However, it’s important to remember that people from other countries often write the day, then the month, then their favorite battery brand, and then the year – for example, 26/5/Energizer/2015.

Put It All On Red Menial Task Internship

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Are you an aspiring humor writer? Is it too late to apply for any worthwhile internships? Will you temporarily settle for undignifying menial tasks in an attempt to further your misguided dreams? If so, you may be a perfect candidate for the Put It All On Red Menial Task Internship!

The Put It All On Red Menial Task Internship was created to prepare young humorists for securing unsatisfactory internships after college. Salaries are “competitive,” meaning interns will participate in weekly fights over spare change found under the break room’s couch cushions. Interns will work at PIAOR’s main office, which has been described as “illustrious” and “state-of-the-art” in brainstorming sessions for this posting.

Our ideal candidate is someone who comes into a professional workplace and simply can’t leave without cleaning out the fridge, bringing everyone coffee, and figuring out which fluorescent light is making that high-pitched buzzing noise. The full list of responsibilities for this job is currently unknown, however, and could range from things we don’t want to do all the way to things you don’t want to do.

Likely responsibilities include:

  • Cutting apart and adapting sections of pantyhose to use as coffee filters
  • Writing a 1000-page essay on how Put It All On Red’s internship helped prepare you to compete in the American workforce (or whatever)
  • Opening, reading, and answering Jordy’s fan mail
  • Writing Jordy’s fan mail
  • Positioning yourself to take the fall for any crimes that PIAOR may have committed in the past, present, or future

You’ll also learn valuable real-world skills, like:

  • Using Word, Excel, and other Microsoft Office programs to feign productivity
  • Listening to a moron like Lincoln Sedlacek
  • Coping with being vastly underpaid for your work
  • Designing microchips for supercomputers, if you also happen to take a second job at a tech development company
  • Talking to family members about your job as though taking it wasn’t a career-ruining decision

At Put It All On Red, we want all of our interns to receive learning experiences that meet their career goals, just long enough for them to decide it’s too late in the summer for them to start looking for a job more suited to their professional ambitions. The position begins June 1st and ends August 31st. To apply, please submit a cover letter and resume to intern@putitallonred.com. We will get back to you as soon as we find someone to go through all these applications.

The Origin of Dippin’ Dots

by Melissa Chiasson

“What if we took ice cream and made it awful?”

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 239

by Jordy Greenblatt

“We shall fight on the beaches, in flip flops if necessary.” –Winston Churchill

Mr. Hecht’s 7th Grade Pre-Algebra Final to Be Administered During His Open Ended Vacation In the Cayman Islands

by Jordy Greenblatt

  1. Your mom has to be at the bank 11 miles from home at exactly 10am. Suppose she wants to walk but she left the house at exactly 9am and doesn’t have time to walk the whole way. If she drives part of the way at 35 miles per hour and then walks the rest of the way at 5 miles per hour, what’s the furthest distance she can walk and still make it to the bank by 10 sharp. Include the name and address of your mom’s actual bank with your answer.
  2. How many ways are there to rearrange the letters in your mom’s online banking login? How many ways are there to rearrange the letters in her password? Write down 3 rearrangements of each, including the actual login and password. Also her first pet, her favorite food, her middle name, her elementary school, and the first name of her paternal grandmother.
  3. If C is your mom’s checking account number and S is her savings account number, calculate C-S and C+S. Is this enough information for me to determine C and S? I think so, but just to be safe, write down both her account numbers.
  4. If D is your dad’s debit number and P is his ATM PIN, calculate D+P and D-P. This may look similar to problem 3 but it’s not the same because the numbers are different and it’s about your dad.
  5. Divide your dad’s credit card number by the 3 digit security code on the back with remainder. You must show all work to get credit. Especially the card number and security code.
  6. If a credit card fraud protection plan costs 2% of your dad’s credit limit and only one in ten thousand of all card holders are fraud victims, is it worth investing in the plan? Hint: It’s not. Make sure to tell your dad within the next 3 business days.
  7. If x3 = 343, what are your parents’ social security numbers?

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 345

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. But one year, God willing, I’ll have the pecs I need to be in the Daddies of Invention calendar.”
–Thomas Edison

5 Must-See Sites for Your Cross-Country Road Trip

by Lincoln Sedlacek

1. The Liberty Bell
Travel to Philadelphia to see this emblem of freedom and equality in America, which – fittingly – has a large crack running through it.

2. Cleveland, OH
Cleveland is one of the best cities in the country to stop at and get some food without being tempted to stay too long. From Downtown to the Riverside, fast food places frequently lure tourists in with the promise of getting them in and out of the metropolitan area as soon as possible. No matter where you go, the sites and sounds of Cleveland are sure to be the perfect motivation to get back on the road and keep driving until sundown.

3. The St. Louis Archenemy of Katy Perry
If you’re going through Missouri, it’s hard to find a reason not to enjoy a picnic on the banks of the Mississippi, where you can enjoy the view of St. Louis’ most famous landmark as it plots the demise of legendary pop icon Katy Perry.

4. The urinal trough in the Grand Canyon Visitor Center’s men’s restroom
A vast, majestic expanse with colossal walls, the urinal trough in the Grand Canyon Visitor Center’s men’s restroom is a sight to behold. Thousands visit this beautiful site each year; all are awed at the torrent that flows through it, made to look small and insignificant by the steep walls on either side.

5. Mt. Rushmore
This South Dakota landmark, which features the gigantic marble heads of four of the former Presidents of the United States, is one of the most recognizable in the nation. Make sure to visit at 3:00 PM, the time of day when the presidential quartet sings a little song. Favorite jams include “You’re a Grand Ol’ Flag” and “America, the Beautiful,” but rumor has it the boys have been working on learning the theme from Ghostbusters!

Tip of the Day #209

by Lincoln Sedlacek

No matter how mean a person is, or how realistic the scenario seems in The Wizard of Oz, dropping a house on someone is usually not a good way to get your neighborhood to throw a party in your honor.

Just a Thought: Idioms

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’m very grateful for the expression “It’s no use crying over spilled milk” because, on the rare occasion that I spill milk, I’m too awed by the communicative power of idiomatic English to be upset. But I still feel like shit when I spill soda or juice.

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