PUT IT ALL ON RED

Are you an aspiring humor writer? Is it too late to apply for any worthwhile internships? Will you temporarily settle for undignifying menial tasks in an attempt to further your misguided dreams? If so, you may be a perfect candidate for the Put It All On Red Menial Task Internship!

The Put It All On Red Menial Task Internship was created to prepare young humorists for securing unsatisfactory internships after college. Salaries are “competitive,” meaning interns will participate in weekly fights over spare change found under the break room’s couch cushions. Interns will work at PIAOR’s main office, which has been described as “illustrious” and “state-of-the-art” in brainstorming sessions for this posting.

Our ideal candidate is someone who comes into a professional workplace and simply can’t leave without cleaning out the fridge, bringing everyone coffee, and figuring out which fluorescent light is making that high-pitched buzzing noise. The full list of responsibilities for this job is currently unknown, however, and could range from things we don’t want to do all the way to things you don’t want to do.

Likely responsibilities include:

• Cutting apart and adapting sections of pantyhose to use as coffee filters
• Writing a 1000-page essay on how Put It All On Red’s internship helped prepare you to compete in the American workforce (or whatever)
• Opening, reading, and answering Jordy’s fan mail
• Writing Jordy’s fan mail
• Positioning yourself to take the fall for any crimes that PIAOR may have committed in the past, present, or future

You’ll also learn valuable real-world skills, like:

• Using Word, Excel, and other Microsoft Office programs to feign productivity
• Listening to a moron like Lincoln Sedlacek
• Coping with being vastly underpaid for your work
• Designing microchips for supercomputers, if you also happen to take a second job at a tech development company
• Talking to family members about your job as though taking it wasn’t a career-ruining decision

At Put It All On Red, we want all of our interns to receive learning experiences that meet their career goals, just long enough for them to decide it’s too late in the summer for them to start looking for a job more suited to their professional ambitions. The position begins June 1st and ends August 31st. To apply, please submit a cover letter and resume to intern@putitallonred.com. We will get back to you as soon as we find someone to go through all these applications.

1. The Liberty Bell
Travel to Philadelphia to see this emblem of freedom and equality in America, which – fittingly – has a large crack running through it.

2. Cleveland, OH
Cleveland is one of the best cities in the country to stop at and get some food without being tempted to stay too long. From Downtown to the Riverside, fast food places frequently lure tourists in with the promise of getting them in and out of the metropolitan area as soon as possible. No matter where you go, the sites and sounds of Cleveland are sure to be the perfect motivation to get back on the road and keep driving until sundown.

3. The St. Louis Archenemy of Katy Perry
If you’re going through Missouri, it’s hard to find a reason not to enjoy a picnic on the banks of the Mississippi, where you can enjoy the view of St. Louis’ most famous landmark as it plots the demise of legendary pop icon Katy Perry.

4. The urinal trough in the Grand Canyon Visitor Center’s men’s restroom
A vast, majestic expanse with colossal walls, the urinal trough in the Grand Canyon Visitor Center’s men’s restroom is a sight to behold. Thousands visit this beautiful site each year; all are awed at the torrent that flows through it, made to look small and insignificant by the steep walls on either side.

5. Mt. Rushmore
This South Dakota landmark, which features the gigantic marble heads of four of the former Presidents of the United States, is one of the most recognizable in the nation. Make sure to visit at 3:00 PM, the time of day when the presidential quartet sings a little song. Favorite jams include “You’re a Grand Ol’ Flag” and “America, the Beautiful,” but rumor has it the boys have been working on learning the theme from Ghostbusters!