PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: February, 2016

Skype Call Quality Survey

by Lincoln Sedlacek

How would you rate the quality of this call?

 

How would you rate the quality of your significant other during this call?

 

How many times was the phrase “relationship issues” used during this call?

 

Would the sound quality of this conversation have been better had you been in Cleveland with your significant other, talking to them in person?

 

More importantly, are you willing to move to Cleveland for something you’re no longer quite sure is love?

 

Please select any video issues you experienced during the call.
Ο Video was grainy
Ο Video was jumpy, like your significant other any time you used the word “commitment”
Ο Image froze – only a few times, but somehow it always managed to catch your significant other looking at their phone

 

Please check all of the audio issues you experienced during this call.
Ο Echo, specifically of the phrase, “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do about that!”
Ο Audio was slightly behind video and way behind where you had hoped your relationship would be after two years
Ο Audio cut out more often than your significant other did the month after your dog died

 

Would this call have been more enjoyable if, instead of talking to your significant other, you had just talked to yourself while pretending a banana you were holding was a phone?

 

Did the call disconnect?
If so, please select the reason for the disconnection.
Ο Connection to internet was poor
Ο Your significant other’s connection to internet was poor – even worse than their connection to you
Ο You disconnected on purpose because your significant other is a mediocre conversationalist

 

Would you like to contact a Skype Support Representative in your area and see if they are free for drinks?

 

 

 

–Melissa Chiasson and Lincoln Sedlacek

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Oscar Predictions, 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Abdominal Muscles in a Leading Role
Channing Tatum’s Abdominal Muscles, Magic Mike XXL

Most Realistic Representation of Ted Cruz in a Leading Role
Indominous Rex, Jurassic World

Best Tree in a Supporting Role
White Oak, The Revenant

Best Movie Paralleling Current-Day International Politics
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Most Recent Movie About Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs

Best Costume Design by Household Vermin
Cinderella

Best Post-Production Decision-Making
Cutting B-Plot Where Donnie’s Cat Trains to Fight Neighbor’s Dog, Creed

Worst Video Resolution
Pixels

Deepest Exploration of the Negative Effects of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
Minions

Factually Accurate Yo Mama Jokes

by Melissa Chiasson

Yo mama so fat, her doctor is concerned she might develop type II diabetes.

Yo mama so ugly, she has a hard time dating.

Yo mama so stupid, she often struggles with feelings of inadequacy.

Yo mama so poor, she gets reduced bus fare.

Yo mama so short, she probably would have been a really good gymnast.

Yo mama so slow, she steps aside so people can pass her on the sidewalk.

Yo mama so old, she is worried her retirement fund might run out before she dies.

Yo mama so hairy, as a result of a thyroid condition.

7 Questions Raised by The Force Awakens That We Hope Star Wars VIII Answers

by Lincoln Sedlacek

1. Who is Supreme Leader Snoke?
Is he a 6-foot-tall ugly guy who can use the Force? An 8-foot-tall ugly guy who can use the Force? A 12-foot-tall ugly guy who can use the Force? No one knows – but everyone wants to find out!

2. Who are the Knights of Ren?
And, more importantly: (1) Are they a boy band, and (2) will they perform during the Star Wars IX credits?

3. Will the First Order continue to be better at naming their weapons of mass destruction than the Empire was?
Unlike the so-called “Star Destroyers” and “Death Stars,” the Starkiller actually does destroy stars! Even if that’s just a side effect of its main purpose. But will the First Order keep “killing it” with their weapon nomenclature?

4. So, Luke Skywalker still acts like a whiny, angsty teenager, then?
He “felt responsible” for his apprentices’ deaths, so he went into hiding and let the populations of, what, literally five planets die so that he could indulge his guilt? I mean, yes, Luke, that’s very sad, but if you’re going to train a bunch of children how to fight with laser swords you need to be realistic about the potential negative consequences.

5. Does Maz’s “watering hole” bar do that thing with drinks where they can make the foam on top look like a little leaf?
This is the biggest question of all.

 

 

 

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, Page 1982

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Something I learned early on is that, when I’m on the field and I’m about to call the play,  I can’t worry about what I can’t control… But what I can control is my attitude, my effort, and my focus every day. Well, that, and gauge pressure of the game balls. And the impartiality of the judge. And, to some degree, the demographics of the jury members. Whether or not a monetary incentive is given to a low-level intern to falsely confess to wrong-doing and take the fall for you, and the size of that incentive. The quality of a courtroom artist’s sketch of you, if you decide you care about that sort of thing. Not the size of your penis, though. I’ve tried to control that, and it doesn’t work.”
–Tom Brady

E. E. Cummings Writes A Comment Card For the Golden Corral Soft Serve Bar

by Melissa Chiasson

chocolate:swirl:vanilla

descend into my waffle bowl

you temptress

i will blanket you with caramel sauce (and s p r i n k l e s)

(and twix pieces)

 

(and more twix pieces)

 

hush now

the manager says

i’m disturbing the other patrons

with my fervent whispers

of devotion to you

pity them, waffle bowl

for they

have never loved

Historic Supreme Justice Opinions on Catered Lunches

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Frank Murphy, Eggs Benedict, May 13, 1948
“In the end, the true question being debated here is not what constitutes a poached egg, but who holds the authority to declare whether or not an egg is poached. Is it the chef, an egg expert, but one with clear conflict of interest? Or is it the customer, who may judge the egg not based on what it is, but on what he or she wanted? In truth, the answer is far simpler. A poached egg is an egg that has been cooked in simmering liquid; any further discussion is just a matter of doneness.”

Warren E. Burger, Cheeseburgers, October 25, 1969
“It is the right of all Supreme Court Justices to decide what they will order for lunch on any given day, as surely as it is their right to decide what they shall wear underneath their robes. And it is the right of a Justice to make catering suggestions to his fellow Justices, in order to engage in stimulating culinary conversation – this is the only way to ensure that all receive the best lunch possible. However: when a Justice is mercilessly mocked for the first four months of his term due to sharing his name with that of a type of food, this is not enlightening conversation. It is name-based discrimination.”

William Rehnquist, Open-Faced Turkey Sandwich w. Gravy, November 30, 1989
“The majority of this court has stated its opinion: that all sandwiches are created and eaten equal. But an open-faced sandwich is two-thirds – maybe even only half – of what common culinary law considers to be a sandwich, and cannot be picked up for consumption using one’s hands alone. How can it be considered equal to its doubly-breaded counterparts? If this question has proven difficult to address, it is because it has no answer, save, ‘It cannot.’ ”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Macaroni and Cheese, February 8, 2003
“The question before us today is not one of morality or decency, but one of the right to expression of culinary tastes in one’s own private life. Whether the public majority accepts the combination of macaroni and cheese with ketchup as natural is immaterial next to our natural right to choose what we eat – and whether we enjoy it.”

John Roberts, Tuna Patty w. Sweet Potato Fries, June 26, 2015
“If you are among the many Americans – of whatever flavor preferences – who favor gastropub-type meals, by all means celebrate today’s lunch. Celebrate the perfectly cooked tuna patty. Celebrate the crispy-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside fries. Celebrate the expert use of seasonings and spices. But do not celebrate the constitution of the aioli sauce. It had nothing to do with it.”

Closest Oscar Races of 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Jennifer Lawrence in a Role Supporting Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
vs.
Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence Presents: Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco

Best Diverse Casting Hollywood Can Do
Emma Stone, Aloha
vs.
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

Most Robotic Acting
Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
vs.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator Genisys

Best Cinnamontography
“Starbucks Scene,” Avengers: Age of Ultron
vs.
Large Apple Spice Muffin, Straight Outta Compton

Movie That Most Confuses the Audience About the Size of the Main Character
Antman
vs.
The Big Short

Best Earning of an R Rating by a Vulgar, Balls-to-the-Wall Bear
Ted, Ted 2
vs.
Paddington, Paddington

Highest Filmography
Everest
vs.
Dope

Best Celebration of White Greatness That Doesn’t Help the World in Any Way
The Walk
vs.
The 2016 Oscar Nominations

-Lincoln Sedlacek, Melissa Chiasson, and Jordy Greenblatt

This Day in History: Feb. 18, 1982

by Lincoln Sedlacek

San Diego Zoo showcases first openly gay elephant.

One-Sentence Horror Stories

by Melissa Chiasson

He shows up to your first date wearing a fedora.

The wifi is weak, so the pornography you’re watching buffers endlessly.

You accidentally hit “reply all” instead of “reply.”

As the red-eye flight taxis to the runway, the old man turns to you and says, “Would you like to hear a poem I wrote?”

And then you realize that all of the party guests are really into kayaking.

The bar has only one functioning toilet.

“Why, yes,” you say, “I do like Pitbull.”

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