PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: September, 2012

Just a Thought: Amy Poehler and Will Arnett

by Jordy Greenblatt

I was very sorry to hear that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are splitting up. I guess this means I can only watch Parks and Recreation on weekdays and Arrested Development on weekends. And I’ll watch the “Wife of Gob” Arrested episodes on Thanksgiving and the Parks and Rec episode where she goes on a date with Will Arnett on Christmas.

Just a Thought: Automatic Doors

by Jordy Greenblatt

Sometimes I worry that I’m the only person in the world who likes to spread his arms and pretend he’s Moses parting the Red Sea whenever he reaches an automatic door.

 

Groups of People I Can’t Stand Unless I’m One of Them

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Drunk
  • Sweaty
  • Correct
  • Naked
  • Gassy
  • Happy
  • Unhappy
  • Opinionated
  • Lithuanian

 

Just a Thought: Call Me Maybe Video

by Jordy Greenblatt

I finally watched the Call Me Maybe video and it turns out the guy is her next door neighbor. If she really thinks he can’t figure out how to get in touch with her without her phone number then he’s probably not “boyfriend material.” If he’s that dumb, his sexual orientation is more of a secondary concern.

Things I Did Not Do This Summer

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Update this blog.
  • Floss.
  • Send Ryan Lochte love letters along with nude photos of myself spelling out “Jeah!’ in various compromising positions.
  • Succeed at learning the dance to “Single Ladies.”
  • Read War and Peace.
  • Read Gravity’s Rainbow.
  • Read.
  • Watch the RNC without crying.
  • Tell Jordy and River that I slept with both of their moms. Up top!
  • Play jai alai.
  • Challenge the drive-through cashier at a suburban Maryland Taco Bell to a fight while spilling an order of Nachos Supreme all over myself and crying.
  • Finish my memoirs.
  • Answer those phone calls from Ryan Lochte’s lawyers.
  • Conquer an island nation and have them anoint me as their queen.
  • Call the nearest Papa John’s and order 25 pizzas for a “Mr. Fartface.”
  • Align my chakras.
  • Establish a rigorous “No Pants” policy at my apartment.
  • Win the lottery, meaning this blog had better be my ticket to making millions, or I’m going to be super pissed.

Just a Thought: Placebos

by Jordy Greenblatt

They call placebos “sugar pills,” but I really hope that’s a false label because I think that I’d be able to see through that ruse pretty quickly.

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