PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: July, 2015

July 30, 2015

Party Themes My Landlord, Ron, Wouldn’t Let Me Use

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Never Say Die: A Very Loud Tribute to the Music of Black Sabbath
  • Discount Seafood Banquet
  • Martinis, Manhattans, and Molotov Cocktails
  • Don’t Worry, Guys, Ron Isn’t Invited to This Year’s Game of Thrones Premiere Viewing
  • 10 Things I Hate About Ron
  • Diseased Farm Animal Petting Zoo
  • Fear Factor Reenactment
  • Howler Monkey Fights
  • Sounds of the Somme
  • “Ron’s Worst Fears” Costume Party
  • Actual Drug Traffickers and Hos
  • The River Oaks Apartment Sprinkler System’s “Dancing in the Rain” Dance
  • An Authentic Murder Mystery Party
  • High Stakes Skunk Racing
  • Pogo-Stick Contest
  • A Great Gatsby Party Where Someone Gets Shot in the Pool at the End
  • Who Hates Ron the Most Contest
  • If We Have An Orgy, Does That Technically Make Apartment 204 a Brothel? Let’s Find Out!
  • Jordy and Lincoln’s Epic 4th of July and Bomb-Defusing Extravaganza
  • I’m Moving to a New Apartment on Monday and Have Also Always Been Curious About How Many People Can Shit in the Toilet Without Flushing

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Leave a comment
July 22, 2015

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 298

by Jordy Greenblatt

You have no chance to survive make your time.
-Abraham Lincoln, Lincoln-Douglas Debates

Leave a comment
Status | July 21, 2015

Tip of the Day #6066

by Lincoln Sedlacek

You can greatly reduce your chances of rear-ending another car by driving on the wrong side of the road.

Leave a comment
July 20, 2015

Signs You’re Staying Too Late at the Office

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • You don’t need to wear your sunglasses when you leave, because the sun has already set
  • The nighttime janitorial staff has started bringing you dinner
  • Whenever you ask your boss for a raise, she responds by offering to reimburse you for an inflatable mattress that will fit under your desk
  • Your work day is supposed to end at 6:00 PM, but you keep on working past midnight because your boss comes into your cubicle at 5:45 asking if you can do “one quick thing” that ends up being sneaking into one of your main competitor’s headquarters to challenge their CEO in hand-to-hand combat
  • Sometimes the fire alarm goes off, but instead of saying something like, “A fire has been detected in the building. Please proceed to the nearest emergency exit,” the automated voice says, “A fire has been detected in the building. You can leave if you want, but frankly, if you’re here at 10:30 on Saturday, death might come as a relief.”
  • You don’t need to wear your sunglasses when you leave the office because the sun went supernova several billion years ago
Leave a comment
July 14, 2015

Important Elements of “Magic Mike” That You Should Familiarize Yourself With Before Going to See “Magic Mike XXL”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Main Storyline:
Channing Tatum’s Abs

B Storyline:
Matt Bomer’s Ass

Important Character Names:
Magic Mike
Dallas
The Hot Guy Who Wasn’t Magic Mike
No, the Other Hot Guy
Who? Oh, One of the People Who Wasn’t a Male Stripper?

Major Cinematic Themes:
The Loss of Innocence
Decline into Depravity
Pelvic Thrusting

Notable Reviews:
“A great movie, no ifs, ands, or–wait, actually, lots of butts.”
—The New Yorker
“A terrible double-standard. Do you see movies objectifying women’s bodies like that?”
—Some jackass
“Well, there goes my plan for Downton Abbey, Season Four.”
—Julian Fellowes

Literary Work Frequently Alluded to in Dialogue:
The Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes

Subject Matter:
It’s a movie about male strippers, in case that detail somehow got past you.

Leave a comment
Status | July 13, 2015

Tip of the Day #902

by Lincoln Sedlacek

To make your suitcase easy to spot in an airport’s baggage claim area, try attaching something easily recognizable to it, like a rainbow-colored ribbon or a human ear.

Leave a comment
July 9, 2015

Business Ideas Inspired by a Storefront I Saw Called “Jetlag Travel Agency”

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Splitting Headache Wine and Liquors
  • Statistically Insignificant Improvement SAT Tutoring
  • Fractured Vertebrae Skate Shop
  • Uncontrollable Vomiting Oyster Bar
  • Stalagmite Impalement Spelunking Superstore
  • Aquatic Asphyxiation Waterpark
  • Off-the-Charts Cholesterol Wings and Ribs
  • Spontaneous Decapitation Ceiling Fan Emporium
  • Custody Battle Wedding Chapel
  • Rampant Bedbug Infestation Motel
1 Comment
Status | July 8, 2015

Just a Thought: English Muffins

by Jordy Greenblatt

Someone has to tell the English that, while they make an excellent toaster-worthy breakfast sandwich bun, they have no fucking clue what a muffin looks like.

Leave a comment
Status | July 7, 2015

Tip of the Day #409

by Lincoln Sedlacek

While ad campaigns insist that “there’s more than one way to eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup,” adventurous consumers should note that the only safe ways involve putting it in your mouth.

Leave a comment
July 6, 2015

Horror Movies With Cute Animals as Antagonists

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Lethal Porcupine: License to Quill
  • Night Terriers
  • PANDAmonium
  • The Kansas City Moosacre
  • Your Fate Is Seals
  • Mouse-oleum
  • RePUGnance: Doggy Wrath
  • Silence of the Lambs

Leave a comment
%d bloggers like this: