Reductions to Employee Benefits Package at Circus Berserkus

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Fortune tellers no longer allowed to predict sick days in advance
  • Pratfalls injuries only covered if they make at least 85% of the audience roar with laughter
  • Bearded lady responsible for own grooming
  • Lion maulings covered only if wound is over 3 inches deep
  • Juggling club-induced concussion claims not considered if performer isn’t dragged off-stage by a comically clumsy stagehand
  • Company clown-car restricted to carpools of 50 or more
  • House of Freaks health insurance plans no longer cover preexisting conditions
  • Acrobats no longer allowed to work remotely

-Lincoln Sedlacek, Jordy Greenblatt, and Melissa Chiasson