PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: August, 2014

I’m Breaking Up With You, In Graphs

by Melissa Chiasson

desire numberpieprob

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Tip of the Day #629

by Lincoln Sedlacek

To kill any bacteria in your body, cook yourself until your middle reaches a temperature of at least 175 degrees Fahrenheit.

Early Versions of the “Don’t Mess with Texas” Slogan

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Don’t mess with Texas – it’s fine just the way it is!
  • Don’t mess with Texas. If you do, we’ll have to start all over again.
  • Hey, don’t mess with Texas when I’m gone, okay? I’m gonna finish it when I get back.
  • Dude, don’t mess with Texas. No, dude, seriously, Texas is seriously high right now. Mess with it and it’ll probably go apeshit.
  • Hey! You don’t know Texas. Don’t mess with it!
  • First time in prison? Look, you’re new here, so I’m gonna give you a piece of advice I wish someone had given me when I first got here. You see that large state over there? That’s Texas. Don’t mess with Texas.
  • Okay, now we need to let Texas rise for at least 18 hours, or until it doubles in size, so in the meantime, don’t mess with it.
  • Just…just stop messing with Texas, okay? It’s been through a lot lately.
  • Don’t mess with Texas. Hey! Brad! Stop it! Mom, Brad’s messing with Texas!
  • Go ahead: mess with Texas. See what happens.

Just a Thought: Vegetarianism

by Jordy Greenblatt

I’m giving up eating beef for a while. I told people it’s for moral reasons but really I just like saying “moo-ratorium.”

No One Is Leaving This Classroom Until I Find Out Who Clubbed Billy Over the Head with His Own Pencil Box

by Lincoln Sedlacek

WHOA! HOLD ON! EVERYBODY SIT DOWN!

Marissa, does the bell dismiss this class? No, that’s right; I dismiss this class. And nobody is leaving this classroom until I find out who clubbed Billy over the head with his own pencil box.

What’s that, Juan? It’s lunchtime? Well then, I guess you guys are going to miss lunch. Lunch is a privilege, and it’s a privilege that I only give to classes that are honest with me about who’s responsible for the gaping wound in the side of Billy’s head. So, I’m going to ask you guys again: who did it?

…No one? No one did it? I suppose Billy’s pencil box just smashed its way through Billy’s skull all by itself, did it? Jacob, what do you think? No? You don’t think so? I agree. It must have been someone in this class. So who was it?

Alright. I want everyone to take out your notebooks and—DID I SAY GROAN?!! No, that’s right, I don’t think I did. I said take out your notebooks.

Yes, Stacy, what is it?

Stacy doesn’t have a pencil, class. She’s unprepared. Is anyone prepared to lend Stacy a pencil? Yes, Jasper. Stacy, what do you say to Jasper? That’s right, thank you, Jasper, for being prepared. I’m going to put a sticker on your behavior chart.

Alright, I want you all to write a full page on why honesty is important. Stacy, what is it? That’s a great question. We should be driving Billy to a hospital. But guess what? We can’t. Because no one is leaving this classroom until I find out who is responsible for crushing Billy’s skull in.

MARISSA! What are you doing? No, you’re not. You’re not writing your essay, you’re drawing. You’re already missing lunch today; do you want to lose recess, too? Well then you’d better have your essay done before the bell rings.

Jasper, what is it? Billy’s face is turning blue? Well, Billy’s not going to be the only one who’s blue if I don’t find out who hit him over the head with his own pencil box. You’re all going to be very blue when you’re missing recess all week. That’s right, all week.

I don’t mean you’ll be the color blue, Marissa, I mean you’ll be sad. It was one of your vocab words this week. Have you studied your vocab words for the week? Well you’d better start, if you want to pass the 3rd grade. Although I’m not sure that’ll matter, because I’ll be seeing every single one of you next year if I don’t find out who opened up the side of Billy’s skull.

Yes, Amanda.

Mmm-hmm.

I see. Alright. Do you have anything else to say? No? How about telling the class you’re sorry that they all missed the first half of lunch because you didn’t tell the truth right a way?

Thank you. Alright, everyone line up at the d—HEY!

Single. File.

Minutes from Cat Fancy’s Annual Sexiest Cat Alive Meeting

by Melissa Chiasson

Brenda, President of Cat Fancy, convenes the meeting and welcomes the editorial staff to the annual meeting in which they decide which sexy cat will reign supreme. She explains that the three executive editors have all chosen one cat we think embodies the spirit of a Cat Fancy Sexiest winner–a cat that knows what it wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it, a cat that you can take home to mom but is also a “freak in the sheets.” Or maybe he’s a bad boy? At this, Dale interjects to say that Cat Fancy should only be representing cats of good moral standing, no bad boys. Everyone starts booing, and someone in the back yells “Shut up, nerd!” Brenda clears her throat and concludes by explaining that the staff will hear the pitches and then vote.

Gordon starts off the presentations. He dims the lights, and George Michael’s “Faith” starts playing on the sound system. With the lines “Well I guess it would be nice/if I could touch your body,” a high-definition photo of Black Satin, an all black cat sitting in a basket of daisies, wearing a white top hat, illuminates the western wall. The room goes wild. Someone starts throwing ones at the screen.

When it quiets down, Gordon throws up some bullet-point facts about Black Satin. He loves lying in the sun, meowing loudly, and eating catnip. Gina is visibly flushed and starts fanning herself. There is then a gif of Black Satin playing with a toy mouse, endlessly on loop. Gordon hits the return key and “Any questions?” rolls across the screen. There don’t appear to be any, and retreating to his seat, Gordon high fives an editorial intern who tells him he “nailed it.”

Dale approaches the front of the room, shaking his head. Quiet settles. “Are we not better than this?” he asks, probably rhetorically, but before he can finish, Shauna announces that she’s found a video of Black Satin trying to eat a popsicle on her phone. Dale ignores this, sighs, and puts up his first slide, which has the sentence, “Webster’s defines ‘sexy’ as generally attractive or interesting.” A beer bottle explodes on the wall inches from Dale’s head. Dale relents and says he will skip the rest of the intro (as he breezes through the slides, we see one slide consists entirely of quotes from Nietzsche next to a photo of 2013’s Sexiest Cat Alive, Ruffles).

Then, bam: a resplendent calico, reclining in a bay window, gazing back with knowing eyes that say, “Drink it in.” Dale tries to ruin this perfect moment by telling us the cat’s name is Gus and he’s never killed a bird in his life. Someone again yells, “Shut up, nerd!” and then, unbidden, “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt” starts blaring from the speakers. Shauna approaches the screen, seemingly to dance with Gus, only to realize that he is a photo projected on the wall. A heated debate breaks out about whether Black Satin or Gus has more charisma, and punches are thrown. Carrie uses a whistle draped around her neck to call everyone to order. When Jeff continues to shadowbox, Carrie slaps him across the face and tells him she will end him if he doesn’t calm down. He cooperates.

Carrie strides to the front of the room, a serious look on her face. “What if I told you that you are about to see the sexiest cat you’ve ever seen–nay, imagined–today?” The excitement is palpable. She hits play on the laptop. A siamese cat, dressed in what appear to be red garters, stalks her way onto the screen. Exuberant wooting comes from the back of the room. Carrie tells us the cat’s name is Marbles and she loves yarn. The video is set to “Lady Marmalade,” and we watch as Marbles walks around a living room for thirty seconds before sitting down and attempting to bite the garters off for the remainder of the song. Dave has popped a bottle of champagne and is yelling “Take it off!” Soon people are dancing on top of the conference table, removing cardigans and loosening neck ties.

Brenda intervenes, telling people to keep it together and reminding us that we do still have to work after this meeting is over. This is met with boos as she hands everyone a ballot. Dave is now vomiting in a trash can by the door.

Fifteen minutes later, Brenda stands at the front of the room with the final results. She commends us all for another wonderful Sexiest meeting and the three executive editors for finding outstanding candidates for this year’s competition.

She announces that Gus is the winner, and there is jubilation and devastation. Dale is elated, while Carrie is just screaming “How?” over and over again. Gordon tries to open the window and jump, but Brenda reminds him that the windows have been childproofed because of similar attempts made in previous years. He sits on the floor, a broken man.

As the meeting draws to a close, Gordon tearily approaches Dale, and offers his congratulations. “That cat is sexy as hell,” he says, pointing to the photo of Gus Dale is clutching in his hand,

“Sexy as hell.”

 

Tip of the Day #196

by Jordy Greenblatt

To save money on a zipline, don’t use a cable.

Shameless Chain Restaurants Around the World!

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Taj McDonald’s
  • Olive Garden of Gethsemane
  • Krispy Kreme-lin
  • Starbuckingham Palace
  • Jack in the Beaches of Normandy
  • Pompeii John’s Pizza
  • In-N-Out of the Forbidden Palace
  • Kentucky Fried Chernobyl

Just a Thought: Parenting

by Jordy Greenblatt

If I ever get a vasectomy, I won’t tell my kids. It’s important that they think they’re replaceable.

Gym Workout Routine for the Zombie Apocalypse

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Warm-Up: Jumping Jack Signal
1) Find whatever window seems to have the most search-and-rescue helicopters in front of it, and stand up straight with your hands to your side.
2) Jump in the air, landing so that your feet are shoulder width apart and your hands are above your head. Quickly alternate between this position and starting position.
3) Continue for two minutes.
4) For aerobic endurance, try screaming at the top of your lungs.

Barricading Shoulder Hold
1) Facing the gym door, plant your right foot firmly near the door so that your leg is bent at a 90 degree angle and your left leg is stretched out behind you.
2) Plant your right shoulder against the door and push for 30 seconds.
3) You should feel the stretch in your left calf and, after about 10 seconds, a burn in your right arm and pectoral, varying in intensity depending on how many zombies are trying to break through the door.
4) If the burn starts within the first 5 seconds, make sure no zombies are gnawing on your arm.
5) Repeat for left shoulder.

Barricading Wall Sit
1) Facing away from the gym door, plant both feet shoulder width apart and place your back flat against the door.
2) Lower your torso until both your knees and your hips are bent at a 90 degree angle. Hold for 60 seconds.
3) This position causes one to automatically push against the door. As a result, it can be tempting to straighten one’s legs in order to make it easier to push against the door. However, this should be avoided, as it works fewer of the muscles in the glutes and thighs and signals a weak will and an easy brains feast.

Sled Push
1) Find the largest piece of exercise equipment in the room and, ignoring the instructions, plant your hands firmly on the seat, backrest, or handles – wherever you think will make it easiest to push the equipment forward.
2) Planting your feet firmly against the ground, push forward until the equipment begins to move.
3) Push until the equipment is pressed firmly against the door.
4) Repeat for all other equipment in the gym.

Floor-to-Ceiling Pillar Climb
1) Place your hands on one of the support pillars in the center of the gym, and hoist yourself up as high as you can on the first lunge.
2) Use your hands, knees, and feet to climb your way up the pillar until you reach the ceiling.
3) Push one of the ceiling tiles aside and pull yourself up into the ceiling.

Ceiling Frame Arm Hang
1) Having fallen through one of the flimsy ceiling tiles, grasp the metal frame supporting the rest of the ceiling tightly with both hands. Allow your arms to fully extend.
2) Hold for as long as possible – either until you are no longer able or until metal frame is no longer able to support your weight.
3) Land on hard floor, breaking ankle.

Broken Ankle Run
1) Grasping knee with pained expression on your face, limp quickly down hallway away from zombies while occasionally throwing panicked glimpses over your shoulder.
2) Maintain run for as long as possible – either until you are no longer able to keep going or until zombies catch up with you.

Cool-Down: Dismemberment Stretch
1) Screaming at the top of your lungs, allow zombies to slowly extend your arms and legs away from your body until they are fully extended.
2) You should feel the stretch in your pectorals, triceps, biceps, abdominals, upper back, lower back, glutes, inner thighs, outer thighs, quadriceps, and calves.
3) Hold stretch in each location until appendage slowly tears away from the rest of your body.

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