PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Month: August, 2015

If Julius Caesar Were a Series of Modern Comedies

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Julius Caesar
  • Julius Caesar: Et 2 Brute
  • Julius Caesar 3: The Family Jules
  • Julius Caesar 4: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Rears!
  • Julius Caesar 5: Can We Please Stop Pretending That This Is Even Vaguely Based off of the Shakespeare Play and Just Have a Bunch of Bath House Scenes Already?

The Worst Things That Could Possibly Happen on the First Day of High School

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The alarm clock doesn’t go off and you accidentally oversleep 90 years until you die of old age.

You’re in Anatomy, and the person in the school that you’re most attracted to is sitting behind you. They seductively whisper in your ear, “Want to go to the janitor’s closet and learn about my anatomy?” but it turns out you’re a sleeper agent and “anatomy” was the word that triggers you to hack into the U.S. missile defense system.

The principal gets on the intercom system just to let everyone know that Beyonce called and said she would come say hi to everyone if you were no longer at the school. This occurs during PE, where the archery unit has just started and everyone is holding bows and arrows.

You accidentally sit in the wrong place in the cafeteria and the table folds together, crushing everyone sitting there including you.

When you walk into Chemistry class after lunch, there is no teacher. There are only the words, “Today’s assignment: THE ANTIDOTE” written on the board.

You’re giving a presentation at the front of Speech class, when you suddenly realize you’re in your underwear and everyone starts laughing at you. Then you wake up, only to realize that you had fallen asleep while taking a shower in the locker rooms and people thought you had fainted and hit your head so now you’re being carried through the hallways on a gurney, naked, in front of the entire student body.

The World History teacher is sick, and left the first season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for the substitute to have everyone watch.

Tips for Using Your New Standing Desk

by Melissa Chiasson

Congrats! You’re now the proud owner of a top-of-the-line Erectworks standing desk. While many customers buy this desk thinking they’ll only use it occasionally for work, we find that it is a versatile office system that may become your new favorite piece of furniture! For those who haven’t used a standing desk before, we have compiled a list of tips to help you get the most of this desk for work (and pleasure!).

  • Place the computer monitor at a comfortable height for your neck when you’re standing 24-36 inches away. A good way to measure this distance is to lean forward onto the standing desk seductively, like maybe you dropped a pen on there and have to pick it up real slowly. A second person can watch from behind to make sure you’re doing this correctly and offer feedback (e.g. “Yeah, just like that.”).
  • Make sure the keyboard shelf is at a comfortable height for typing, using a tablet, or manually stimulating a sex partner as a prelude to sexual congress.
  • FYI, if you’re going for the third option above, you’ll want that keyboard to be waterproof.
  • We recommend you place the desk flush against a wall for better stability, however it is ideal to anchor the desk into a stud. This gives you a secure workspace where you can brace yourself or bang it out for hours without having to rely on your core strength to keep you upright.
  • To avoid eye strain, take breaks every hour by looking out a window or deep into the eyes of the individual currently massaging your naked torso.
  • Stretch! There’s no better way to prevent soreness and reach new heights of sexual ecstasy.

Enjoy your standing desk! We strive to provide quality products that improve workplace productivity, so please submit any comments or feedback in vivid detail to customerservice@erectworks.com. Pics also welcome.

Dishes to Serve at Your Combined “May the Fourth (Be With You)” and Cinco de Mayo Parties

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Chips and Ewokamole
  • Galactic Empirenadas
  • Chewie-changas
  • Boba Fajita
  • Luke, I Am Your Flauta

Tip of the Day #856

by Lincoln Sedlacek

To quickly enter a locked building, try using keys.

Graduate School Admissions Essay Titles

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A Lesson in Independence: Why I Submitted This Essay Even Though My Private Tutor Said it Was Bad
  • Priorities: How Constantly Practicing Having Really Amazing Sex with Middle-Aged Law School Admissions Officers Instead of Studying Resulted in My Poor LSAT Scores
  • What I Learned from Suing an Undergraduate College for Not Accepting Me
  • A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Attending Grad School Versus Living in My Parents’ Basement
  • Whatever It Takes: How I’ll Succeed at Harvard Medical School and Also What I Meant by My Answer to the Question “Have You Ever Been Convicted of a Crime?” on My Application
  • Back to My Roots: Why I Want to Enroll in an MBA Program at an Institution Where My Mother Is the President
  • Passion. Drive. Motivation. Three Things I Hope I Can Develop by Putting off Entering the Workforce for Six More Years
  • Check Enclosed
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