You don’t need to wear your sunglasses when you leave, because the sun has already set
The nighttime janitorial staff has started bringing you dinner
Whenever you ask your boss for a raise, she responds by offering to reimburse you for an inflatable mattress that will fit under your desk
Your work day is supposed to end at 6:00 PM, but you keep on working past midnight because your boss comes into your cubicle at 5:45 asking if you can do “one quick thing” that ends up being sneaking into one of your main competitor’s headquarters to challenge their CEO in hand-to-hand combat
Sometimes the fire alarm goes off, but instead of saying something like, “A fire has been detected in the building. Please proceed to the nearest emergency exit,” the automated voice says, “A fire has been detected in the building. You can leave if you want, but frankly, if you’re here at 10:30 on Saturday, death might come as a relief.”
You don’t need to wear your sunglasses when you leave the office because the sun went supernova several billion years ago
Jurassic Park – During a preview tour, a dinosaur theme park experiences a major power shutdown that allows its deadly attractions to run amok.
The Lost World: Jurassic Park – It is discovered that Jurassic Park actually had a second site already in operation when the first site went out of commission. Remembering how fun people said the first site was, a research team decides to go visit the island.
Jurassic Park III – A team of plucky Hollywood writers realize that it’s possible to write a third movie where dinosaurs fight and eat humans with as little plot as a paragliding accident.
Jurassic World – A new dinosaur theme park, Jurassic World, opens and continues running for several years, due in large part to the management’s choice of using actual walls to keep the dinosaurs in their pens. Disaster strikes, however, when they build one of the walls too thin.
Jurassic World II: Raptor Squad – InGen carries out Vic Hoskins dream of breeding and training velociraptors for use in the military. The Raptor Squad’s initial performance seems promising, right up until they’re sent on a search and rescue mission.
Jurassic League: The Reno Raptors – Attempting to get back in the public’s good graces, InGen clones a velociraptor basketball team. The NBA initially resists letting the team play professionally, but relents when InGen points out there’s no rule saying a basketball team can’t be made up of velociraptors. Such a rule is instated shortly after the bloodbath of the Reno Raptors’ first game.
Jurassic Troupe: A Dance of Dinos – Realizing that one of velociraptors’ most lovable qualities is the cute clicking noise their claws make when they hit the ground, InGen trains a troupe of tap-dancing velociraptors. The result is a bunch of scientists screaming, “Why didn’t we just clone Fred Astaire and Shirley Temple?!” while their insides are being torn out.
Jurassic: ON ICE! – InGen airs a reality show in which figure skaters compete on a frozen lake containing a carnivorous, 60-foot-long mosasaur. For once, things go exactly as planned.
Remember that hotel rooms are massively under-priced if a global pandemic originated in them
Only take your favorite child
Tell yourself that vacationing is a state of mind or some bullshit
Take heart that, thanks to today’s economy, siphoning gas is not the taboo it once was
St. Bart’s is a popular destination, but the budget-savvy traveler knows that many of the same luxuries can be had for a fraction of the price in Barbados
Marry a lonely and aged heiress who will take you places for free
Steal tons of shit
“Accidentally” bring your expired credit cards
Tip Vegas strippers in hyper-inflated Zimbabwean bills
Instead of wasting money at an overpriced hotel bar, mix your own daiquiris with ice from the urinal and fermented Nestle Strawberry Quik
Save on a beach vacation by sunbathing nude in an elementary school sandbox
Try to get your credit card stolen by someone you think will spend less than you do
Instead of paying for hotel rooms, just go home with a different person every night. Make sure your spouse and children have the skills necessary to do the same.
The cheapest vacation destinations are in Farina, IL, Topeka, KS, and the middle of the Sahara Desert. These places are also god-awful, so you’ll be unlikely to spend lots of money on souvenirs or having fun.
Everyone likes luxurious hotels and fancy restaurants, but if your kids are young enough they’ll be just as happy to stay in a Motel 6 and eat McDonald’s for every meal
-Melissa Chiasson, River Clegg, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek
I am allergic to Never Say Never, and my allergy medication can’t help because it says to avoid taking it while watching Never Say Never
Every time I hear the name of the documentary Never Say Never, I am reminded of how Justin Bieber is unjustly plagiarizing Fievel the mouse and I am infuriated
I have laundry to do, and I’m trying out a new towel-folding technique which is very exciting when compared to coming to your movie-screening
I have laundry to do, and if I try to get it done early so that I can watch Never Say Never I might be tempted to try to drown myself in my washer/dryer
Right before I walked out the door to head to your party my pet goldfish gave me a sad look and said, “Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re better than this.”
I will be unable to attend because my girlfriend and I have plans to engage in BDSM tonight and I can only take so much pain in one day
The bridge by my house is out, because I have intentionally destroyed it to eliminate any chance of my going to see the movie, or you bringing the movie to me
My nose is broken, because on the way to your party I stopped to pick up some wings and told the man at the restaurant they were for a viewing party for Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never, and the man looked up at the sky and said, “God, please spare this man in front of me,” and God sent a meteor through the roof of the restaurant directly into my face, which hurt me enough that I needed medical attention
I’m a much bigger fan of the Biebs’ post-2011 work