PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Category: Lists

August 17, 2015

Dishes to Serve at Your Combined “May the Fourth (Be With You)” and Cinco de Mayo Parties

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Chips and Ewokamole
  • Galactic Empirenadas
  • Chewie-changas
  • Boba Fajita
  • Luke, I Am Your Flauta
Leave a comment
August 10, 2015

Graduate School Admissions Essay Titles

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A Lesson in Independence: Why I Submitted This Essay Even Though My Private Tutor Said it Was Bad
  • Priorities: How Constantly Practicing Having Really Amazing Sex with Middle-Aged Law School Admissions Officers Instead of Studying Resulted in My Poor LSAT Scores
  • What I Learned from Suing an Undergraduate College for Not Accepting Me
  • A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Attending Grad School Versus Living in My Parents’ Basement
  • Whatever It Takes: How I’ll Succeed at Harvard Medical School and Also What I Meant by My Answer to the Question “Have You Ever Been Convicted of a Crime?” on My Application
  • Back to My Roots: Why I Want to Enroll in an MBA Program at an Institution Where My Mother Is the President
  • Passion. Drive. Motivation. Three Things I Hope I Can Develop by Putting off Entering the Workforce for Six More Years
  • Check Enclosed
Leave a comment
July 30, 2015

Party Themes My Landlord, Ron, Wouldn’t Let Me Use

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Never Say Die: A Very Loud Tribute to the Music of Black Sabbath
  • Discount Seafood Banquet
  • Martinis, Manhattans, and Molotov Cocktails
  • Don’t Worry, Guys, Ron Isn’t Invited to This Year’s Game of Thrones Premiere Viewing
  • 10 Things I Hate About Ron
  • Diseased Farm Animal Petting Zoo
  • Fear Factor Reenactment
  • Howler Monkey Fights
  • Sounds of the Somme
  • “Ron’s Worst Fears” Costume Party
  • Actual Drug Traffickers and Hos
  • The River Oaks Apartment Sprinkler System’s “Dancing in the Rain” Dance
  • An Authentic Murder Mystery Party
  • High Stakes Skunk Racing
  • Pogo-Stick Contest
  • A Great Gatsby Party Where Someone Gets Shot in the Pool at the End
  • Who Hates Ron the Most Contest
  • If We Have An Orgy, Does That Technically Make Apartment 204 a Brothel? Let’s Find Out!
  • Jordy and Lincoln’s Epic 4th of July and Bomb-Defusing Extravaganza
  • I’m Moving to a New Apartment on Monday and Have Also Always Been Curious About How Many People Can Shit in the Toilet Without Flushing

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Leave a comment
July 20, 2015

Signs You’re Staying Too Late at the Office

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • You don’t need to wear your sunglasses when you leave, because the sun has already set
  • The nighttime janitorial staff has started bringing you dinner
  • Whenever you ask your boss for a raise, she responds by offering to reimburse you for an inflatable mattress that will fit under your desk
  • Your work day is supposed to end at 6:00 PM, but you keep on working past midnight because your boss comes into your cubicle at 5:45 asking if you can do “one quick thing” that ends up being sneaking into one of your main competitor’s headquarters to challenge their CEO in hand-to-hand combat
  • Sometimes the fire alarm goes off, but instead of saying something like, “A fire has been detected in the building. Please proceed to the nearest emergency exit,” the automated voice says, “A fire has been detected in the building. You can leave if you want, but frankly, if you’re here at 10:30 on Saturday, death might come as a relief.”
  • You don’t need to wear your sunglasses when you leave the office because the sun went supernova several billion years ago
Leave a comment
July 9, 2015

Business Ideas Inspired by a Storefront I Saw Called “Jetlag Travel Agency”

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Splitting Headache Wine and Liquors
  • Statistically Insignificant Improvement SAT Tutoring
  • Fractured Vertebrae Skate Shop
  • Uncontrollable Vomiting Oyster Bar
  • Stalagmite Impalement Spelunking Superstore
  • Aquatic Asphyxiation Waterpark
  • Off-the-Charts Cholesterol Wings and Ribs
  • Spontaneous Decapitation Ceiling Fan Emporium
  • Custody Battle Wedding Chapel
  • Rampant Bedbug Infestation Motel
1 Comment
July 6, 2015

Horror Movies With Cute Animals as Antagonists

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Lethal Porcupine: License to Quill
  • Night Terriers
  • PANDAmonium
  • The Kansas City Moosacre
  • Your Fate Is Seals
  • Mouse-oleum
  • RePUGnance: Doggy Wrath
  • Silence of the Lambs

Leave a comment
June 24, 2015

Ways to Ensure No One Takes the Seat Next to You on the Megabus

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Set an empty can of beans, a half-eaten sack of prunes, and a burrito wrapper conspicuously on the seat next to you
  • Hold the game Candy Land firmly against your chest and eagerly nod and gesture to the seat next to you every time someone walks by
  • Look deeply engrossed in Lolita and enthusiastically whisper, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” every time someone comes close to sitting next to you
  • Every time someone approaches, place your hand over the seat suspiciously, firmly grip the top of your backpack, and say, “Are you a cop?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about the Dark Lord Bhak-N’ah, may he rule under us for all eternity?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you mind if I sing the Seussical soundtrack for the entire trip?”
  • Sit next to the bathroom
Leave a comment
June 15, 2015

My Favorite Movies in the Jurassic Park Series

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  1. Jurassic Park – During a preview tour, a dinosaur theme park experiences a major power shutdown that allows its deadly attractions to run amok.
  2. The Lost World: Jurassic Park – It is discovered that Jurassic Park actually had a second site already in operation when the first site went out of commission. Remembering how fun people said the first site was, a research team decides to go visit the island.
  3. Jurassic Park III – A team of plucky Hollywood writers realize that it’s possible to write a third movie where dinosaurs fight and eat humans with as little plot as a paragliding accident.
  4. Jurassic World – A new dinosaur theme park, Jurassic World, opens and continues running for several years, due in large part to the management’s choice of using actual walls to keep the dinosaurs in their pens. Disaster strikes, however, when they build one of the walls too thin.
  5. Jurassic World II: Raptor Squad – InGen carries out Vic Hoskins dream of breeding and training velociraptors for use in the military. The Raptor Squad’s initial performance seems promising, right up until they’re sent on a search and rescue mission.
  6. Jurassic League: The Reno Raptors – Attempting to get back in the public’s good graces, InGen clones a velociraptor basketball team. The NBA initially resists letting the team play professionally, but relents when InGen points out there’s no rule saying a basketball team can’t be made up of velociraptors. Such a rule is instated shortly after the bloodbath of the Reno Raptors’ first game.
  7. Jurassic Troupe: A Dance of Dinos – Realizing that one of velociraptors’ most lovable qualities is the cute clicking noise their claws make when they hit the ground, InGen trains a troupe of tap-dancing velociraptors. The result is a bunch of scientists screaming, “Why didn’t we just clone Fred Astaire and Shirley Temple?!” while their insides are being torn out.
  8. Jurassic: ON ICE! – InGen airs a reality show in which figure skaters compete on a frozen lake containing a carnivorous, 60-foot-long mosasaur. For once, things go exactly as planned.
Leave a comment
May 28, 2015

Money-Saving Tips for Summer Vacation

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Remember that hotel rooms are massively under-priced if a global pandemic originated in them
  • Only take your favorite child
  • Tell yourself that vacationing is a state of mind or some bullshit
  • Take heart that, thanks to today’s economy, siphoning gas is not the taboo it once was
  • St. Bart’s is a popular destination, but the budget-savvy traveler knows that many of the same luxuries can be had for a fraction of the price in Barbados
  • Marry a lonely and aged heiress who will take you places for free
  • Steal tons of shit
  • “Accidentally” bring your expired credit cards
  • Tip Vegas strippers in hyper-inflated Zimbabwean bills
  • Instead of wasting money at an overpriced hotel bar, mix your own daiquiris with ice from the urinal and fermented Nestle Strawberry Quik
  • Save on a beach vacation by sunbathing nude in an elementary school sandbox
  • Try to get your credit card stolen by someone you think will spend less than you do
  • Instead of paying for hotel rooms, just go home with a different person every night. Make sure your spouse and children have the skills necessary to do the same.
  • The cheapest vacation destinations are in Farina, IL, Topeka, KS, and the middle of the Sahara Desert. These places are also god-awful, so you’ll be unlikely to spend lots of money on souvenirs or having fun.
  • Everyone likes luxurious hotels and fancy restaurants, but if your kids are young enough they’ll be just as happy to stay in a Motel 6 and eat McDonald’s for every meal

-Melissa Chiasson, River Clegg, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Leave a comment
April 21, 2015

Excuses People Gave Melissa When She Invited Them to Her Viewing Party for Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • I am allergic to Never Say Never, and my allergy medication can’t help because it says to avoid taking it while watching Never Say Never
  • Every time I hear the name of the documentary Never Say Never, I am reminded of how Justin Bieber is unjustly plagiarizing Fievel the mouse and I am infuriated
  • I have laundry to do, and I’m trying out a new towel-folding technique which is very exciting when compared to coming to your movie-screening
  • I have laundry to do, and if I try to get it done early so that I can watch Never Say Never I might be tempted to try to drown myself in my washer/dryer
  • Right before I walked out the door to head to your party my pet goldfish gave me a sad look and said, “Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re better than this.”
  • I will be unable to attend because my girlfriend and I have plans to engage in BDSM tonight and I can only take so much pain in one day
  • The bridge by my house is out, because I have intentionally destroyed it to eliminate any chance of my going to see the movie, or you bringing the movie to me
  • My nose is broken, because on the way to your party I stopped to pick up some wings and told the man at the restaurant they were for a viewing party for Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never, and the man looked up at the sky and said, “God, please spare this man in front of me,” and God sent a meteor through the roof of the restaurant directly into my face, which hurt me enough that I needed medical attention
  • I’m a much bigger fan of the Biebs’ post-2011 work
Leave a comment
%d bloggers like this: