Ways to Ensure No One Takes the Seat Next to You on the Megabus

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Set an empty can of beans, a half-eaten sack of prunes, and a burrito wrapper conspicuously on the seat next to you
  • Hold the game Candy Land firmly against your chest and eagerly nod and gesture to the seat next to you every time someone walks by
  • Look deeply engrossed in Lolita and enthusiastically whisper, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” every time someone comes close to sitting next to you
  • Every time someone approaches, place your hand over the seat suspiciously, firmly grip the top of your backpack, and say, “Are you a cop?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about the Dark Lord Bhak-N’ah, may he rule under us for all eternity?”
  • Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you mind if I sing the Seussical soundtrack for the entire trip?”
  • Sit next to the bathroom
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