Ways to Ensure No One Takes the Seat Next to You on the Megabus
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- Set an empty can of beans, a half-eaten sack of prunes, and a burrito wrapper conspicuously on the seat next to you
- Hold the game Candy Land firmly against your chest and eagerly nod and gesture to the seat next to you every time someone walks by
- Look deeply engrossed in Lolita and enthusiastically whisper, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” every time someone comes close to sitting next to you
- Every time someone approaches, place your hand over the seat suspiciously, firmly grip the top of your backpack, and say, “Are you a cop?”
- Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior?”
- Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you have the next four-hour bus ride to hear about the Dark Lord Bhak-N’ah, may he rule under us for all eternity?”
- Ask every passenger who walks by you, “Do you mind if I sing the Seussical soundtrack for the entire trip?”
- Sit next to the bathroom