Excuses People Gave Melissa When She Invited Them to Her Viewing Party for Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • I am allergic to Never Say Never, and my allergy medication can’t help because it says to avoid taking it while watching Never Say Never
  • Every time I hear the name of the documentary Never Say Never, I am reminded of how Justin Bieber is unjustly plagiarizing Fievel the mouse and I am infuriated
  • I have laundry to do, and I’m trying out a new towel-folding technique which is very exciting when compared to coming to your movie-screening
  • I have laundry to do, and if I try to get it done early so that I can watch Never Say Never I might be tempted to try to drown myself in my washer/dryer
  • Right before I walked out the door to head to your party my pet goldfish gave me a sad look and said, “Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re better than this.”
  • I will be unable to attend because my girlfriend and I have plans to engage in BDSM tonight and I can only take so much pain in one day
  • The bridge by my house is out, because I have intentionally destroyed it to eliminate any chance of my going to see the movie, or you bringing the movie to me
  • My nose is broken, because on the way to your party I stopped to pick up some wings and told the man at the restaurant they were for a viewing party for Justin Bieber’s Documentary, Never Say Never, and the man looked up at the sky and said, “God, please spare this man in front of me,” and God sent a meteor through the roof of the restaurant directly into my face, which hurt me enough that I needed medical attention
  • I’m a much bigger fan of the Biebs’ post-2011 work
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