PUT IT ALL ON RED

• Remember that hotel rooms are massively under-priced if a global pandemic originated in them
• Only take your favorite child
• Tell yourself that vacationing is a state of mind or some bullshit
• Take heart that, thanks to today’s economy, siphoning gas is not the taboo it once was
• St. Bart’s is a popular destination, but the budget-savvy traveler knows that many of the same luxuries can be had for a fraction of the price in Barbados
• Marry a lonely and aged heiress who will take you places for free
• Steal tons of shit
• “Accidentally” bring your expired credit cards
• Tip Vegas strippers in hyper-inflated Zimbabwean bills
• Instead of wasting money at an overpriced hotel bar, mix your own daiquiris with ice from the urinal and fermented Nestle Strawberry Quik
• Save on a beach vacation by sunbathing nude in an elementary school sandbox
• Try to get your credit card stolen by someone you think will spend less than you do
• Instead of paying for hotel rooms, just go home with a different person every night. Make sure your spouse and children have the skills necessary to do the same.
• The cheapest vacation destinations are in Farina, IL, Topeka, KS, and the middle of the Sahara Desert. These places are also god-awful, so you’ll be unlikely to spend lots of money on souvenirs or having fun.
• Everyone likes luxurious hotels and fancy restaurants, but if your kids are young enough they’ll be just as happy to stay in a Motel 6 and eat McDonald’s for every meal

-Melissa Chiasson, River Clegg, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek