Ask Some Girl Who Is the Only One Alive Who Remembers the Prophecy

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Hey there, GWIOOAWRP,
I was at the store yesterday, and this guy came up to me and started talking to me. I’d say he was flirting with me, but it was hardly even flirting – he was actually trying to have a real conversation with me, you know? Anyway, he seems pretty great, and at the end of the conversation he gave me his number! I want to call him…but a small, silly part of me feels like he seems too good to be true, and I don’t want to soil that perfect experience by meeting him again later and finding out about all his flaws. Am I just being ridiculous? Or is there something reasonable about wanting to keep a perfect experience with someone pure by leaving it untouched by future interactions? And, most importantly: should I call him?
All the best,
Preserving Pure Perfection

Dear Preserving,
Bless the Goddess Above and Below – this is the man mentioned in the stories of old! Many moons ago, it was foretold that a beautiful man would approach a young woman between the sections of produce and dairy and talk to her of things other than her own appearance, before finally giving her the number of his telephone. The prophecy says the woman would call him, and they would have many more conversations, until one day, they would meet and have an enjoyable afternoon in a small Greek diner. So go! Call the number the man gave you…and the prophecy will be fulfilled!


How’s it going, GWIOOAWRP?
Every year at my college, the Electrical Engineering and Chemical Engineering departments compete in a friendly game of baseball. I’m team captain, and my best friend is shortstop. The other day we actually had a team practice, though, and to be frank, he’s awful. The game’s no big deal – I care a lot more about our friendship than winning – but a lot of the people on the team say that I should replace him with Natalie, who actually played on her high school softball team. What do you think? Should I risk hurting my friend by telling him he’s not up to snuff, or should I just take a “let’s all just have fun” approach and risk annoying a lot of the other people in my major?
Signed,
Calculating Captain but Faithful Friend

Dear Calculating,
Bring her to me, this Natalie. Play her in your game of balls and bases, for it is clear, now, that she is the one who is mentioned in the prophecy! Many have foretold – and more forgotten – of a young girl, one who has played many games of balls ever-so-soft, who will come to a team of electrical engineers in their time of great need. Seventeen outs will come to pass by her hand, including the last, which will bring you and your engineers glory, just when it seems beyond your grasp. So have her pitch for you, fulfill the prophecy, and bring you and your comrades victory!


Hi GWIOOAWRP,
Lately I’ve been noticing that no matter what settings I use on the dishwasher, the dishes almost never come out completely clean. I’ve been trying to get the kids to rinse their plates off before they put them in the sink, but Jenna (my wife) thinks that I should just try using “Clenzer,” the brand-name dish detergent her mom used when she was a kid. Do you have any advice? Should I have the kids put in a little extra work, or should I spend an extra fifteen bucks a month on a fancy dish detergent?
Best,
Parent with a Plate-Peeve

Dear Parent,
I scarce believe my ears. Surely I must be dreaming, for where, but in dreams, would any say they had heard even the faintest rumor of Clenzer, the dish detergent spoken of in the prophecy! Long ago it was foretold that one detergent would rise up and stand against the might of even the most devilish dirty dishes. Waves of its divine suds would crash over casserole dishes and froth and flow around pots and pans alike, washing away their filth and leaving them as dishes reborn. This detergent would be a savior to scrubbers enslaved by stubborn specks of stew, and a guardian against the most egregious grime. Now, it appears that our detergent has come at last. It is Clenzer… Defender of the Dish Washers!


Dear GWIOOAWRP,
Last May, I graduated from Princeton with a degree in Economics. Now I’m three months into a consulting job at Bain and Company in Boston, MA. The money is good and I love the city, but when I left college, I think I had expected to my life to have a bit more purpose. I always thought I was supposed to change the world. I’m considering leaving my job to do something with a bit more meaning, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just being foolishly sentimental. Can I really make a difference in the world? Do you think, just maybe…I’m even meant to?
Signed,
Pleading for Purpose

Dear Pleading,
That is the stupidest, naivest, vainest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

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