Ask Some Guy Who’s Actually a Portobello Mushroom

by Lincoln Sedlacek

I just got my dream job in New York, and I’m looking at apartments. My office is in the Heights, which also just so happens to be where my girlfriend lives. I’d love to be close to her and work, but she’s not ready for us to live together, and living alone that neighborhood’s a bit out of my price range. She suggested I find a roommate, but I’m not sure I could handle sharing a place with someone I don’t even know. What should I do?
Homeless in the Heights

Dear Homeless,
I can see how the close proximity to your work and your girlfriend could be attractive. Still, it’s important to live within your means. I’ve found that, while not quite as hip as the Heights, the edge of a grassy clearing in the woods is a cheap alternative that’s safe and quiet. If you’re looking for somewhere that’s more “happening,” I’ve got friends who tell me they’ve met some cool people underneath flower gardens. Plus it’s colorful and there’s plenty of shade.

I’m a gay man, and for over a year I’ve been hopelessly in love with my best friend. There was only one problem: he liked girls…or so I thought! He recently came out to me as gay, and I feel like now is the perfect time to tell him how I feel. I want to make it a romantic moment, but I think he’s still getting used to being out, and I don’t want to scare him off. How do I set the mood without coming across as too over the top?
Yours truly,
Romantic But Realistic

Dear Romantic,
I’d recommend an activity that’s slightly romantic, but not that different from something you’d do as friends. Maybe dinner for two at your place? If you want to show him you really want to take things to a new level, try cooking something a bit fancier than usual. I recommend making a nice penne pasta, then cutting yourself and several of your relatives into small slices and mixing yourselves in with a nice cream sauce. Add garlic and thyme for flavor.
Can’t wait to hear what he says!

I’m a botany major at Idaho State, and this past semester my grades have been slipping. I’ve never struggled in the program before, but I’m taking a class on fungi right now, and it’s a little outside my area of expertise. Do you think you could tutor me?
Please and thank you,
Fretting about Fungus

Dear Fretting,
I’d love to tutor you! Unfortunately, I lack the proper credentials, mainly due to the fact that I am actually a Portobello mushroom. I also lack a cerebral cortex, the capacity for human speech, a reliable means of transportation, and an active bank account, which are other things I would probably need in order to be your tutor. However, many colleges hire students already well-versed in course material to tutor those who are struggling – you might talk to your academic advisor about such a possibility. Admitting you’re struggling can be hard, but you should never be afraid to ask for help!