PUT IT ALL ON RED

Hi GWTFGCAPT,
I had been unsuccessfully dating online for over a year now until a week ago when this very cute guy sent me a message that was thoughtful and funny. I responded and we sent a bunch of messages back and forth and, long story short, we have a date for tomorrow night. Obviously, that’s all good stuff. Here’s the thing: I know he’s interested in me, but he’s interested in the version of me that he gleaned from my profile and messages. I’m terrified that we’ll meet and he’ll find “the real me” boring. Should I go over my profile really carefully to make sure I match his expectations or should I just show up and hope for the best?
Yours,
In The Flesh?

Dear Flesh,
The online part of your relationship is over. Those messages were just a warmup for tomorrow night’s game so, if it turns out he’s not into “the real you,” there’s no point in faking it. Throw in the towel if the guy is only interested in your online persona. So, even though it sounds stupid, just be yourself. Actually do you think that would work as a concept costume? People would be like, “Hey what are you supposed to be?” And I’ll sigh and say, “Whenever I ask my mom for help in social situations she tells me to be just be myself. Why did I call her for help for a costume party?!?” I bet someone would think that was really clever but most people would probably just call me a douchebag.

Hey GWTFGCAPT,
You gotta help me, man. My brother gave the Frozen DVD to my daughter for her birthday and she won’t stop watching it. Every other day I try to put a different movie on but she just screams like a goddamn banshee until I put Frozen back on. What do I do?
Desperately,
Brainfrozen

Dear Brainfrozen,
There are much bigger parenting problems than an obsession phase. It will pass eventually and, in the meantime, your little girl is getting a strong role model in Elsa. Oh holy shit! I could be Elsa! And when people ask how I know Anna I’ll just respond totally deadpan, “Oh, we’re sisters.” Plus I can tell people to “Let It Go” when they’re being annoying. This is gonna be awesome! Now all I have to do is find a large men’s Queen Elsa costume in the 20 minutes before the party…