A Gay Man’s Guide to Extensions of the “Coming Out of the Closet” Metaphor

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Reorganizing the Closet
Laying a firm foundation of misinformation with one’s family and friends in order to make it easier to perform maintenance lies about one’s sexuality later.

Checking for Monsters in the Closet
A practice only performed by young, naïve gays, in which – despite a certain amount of fear – they carefully scout out the availability of discreet sexual partners.

Installing a Shoe Rack in the Closet
Fabricating a large-scale cover for your extensive collection of flamboyant shoes, like a fictitious aspiration to be a cobbler.

Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Jeans
Hinting at the fact that you are gay to a friend or family member, a measure taken to prepare them for your coming out of the closet later.

Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Tight, Pink V-Neck Shirt
Like calling someone from the closet to ask if they’ve seen your jeans, but laying it on a whole lot thicker.

Cleaning Out the Closet for Goodwill
Debunking the lies and deceptions that obviously no longer fit after you’ve come out of the closet, and donating the more gently-used lies to your gay friends who are still in the closet.

Repurposing the Closet
After one has come out of the closet, it may be necessary to lie to family members about aspects of your love life for other reasons – for example, if you are currently dating your sister’s closeted fiancé.