PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: December, 2014

Tip of the Day #1304

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Fighting other shoppers may seem contrary to the holiday spirit, but it gives you a great opportunity to find free stocking stuffers when you loot the bodies.

Letters to Santa from Children Who Have Realized They Can Blackmail Him

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dear Santa,
I hope you’re well. How are things with Mrs. Claus at the North Pole? They must be pretty good, since I’m guessing you only kiss your elves when you’re inside your workshop at the Eastpoint Mall in Baltimore, away from prying eyes. If a remote control helicopter isn’t underneath my tree on Christmas morning, my next letter will reach Mrs. Claus by New Year’s.
Happy Holidays!
Samantha Collins

Hi Santa,
This Christmas, I would like a new Kindle, with some books already on it: preferably The Fault in Our Stars and The Lightning Thief. However, failing that, I would also settle for a reporter covering the story of how I discovered a dismembered reindeer hoof in my backyard last Boxing Day.
Best,
Jamal Werti

Santa,
How are you feeling? Pretty well, I imagine, since the slow-acting poison I laced your Christmas cookies with last year shouldn’t start affecting you until this January. Don’t bother having your elf medical team try to save you – the poison is undetectable, and I have the only antidote, which I will happily give you in return for an iPhone 6. We can make the exchange behind the garage at 9:00 PM on Christmas Eve. Come alone.
Sincerely,
Natalie Ortiz

Hey Santa,
Thank you so much for the diary you gave me last year. The handwritten note was especially thoughtful. You have such nice handwriting – I’ve been practicing my own handwriting so that I can write as nice as you someday! I wonder if you’ll send me a handwritten note this year. Like, maybe you’ll send me a scrapbooking kit this year with a note that says “NAUGHTY KIDS DIE!” Ha ha, just kidding. You’ll probably just send me a boring set of nerf guns with no note.
Merry Christmas,
Billy Park

Dear Santa,
I’ve been having lots of fun on my mom’s computer lately. Have you ever heard of this cool program called Photoshop? You can do so many fun things with it! I’ve been practicing with Photoshop, and I’ve gotten really good at making things look really realistic. Anyway, this Christmas maybe it’d be cool if I got the newest version of Photoshop, so I could get even more creative! Or maybe you’ll just get me the new Assassin’s Creed and Borderlands games, and I’ll get distracted and forget my little Photoshop hobby. Up to you!
Can’t wait to get my picture taken with you at the mall,
Jordan Quimbey

Tip of the Day #622

by Jordy Greenblatt

Alcohol is often an effective substitute for human interaction.

Benefits of Global Warming

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • White acceptable after Labor Day
  • Bikinis considered “business casual”
  • Minnesota habitable
  • Lower Manhattan now surfable
  • No more polar bears getting in your garbage
  • Thriving oncology industry
  • More opportunities to play Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three’s “The Roof Is on Fire” at parties
  • Penguins knocked down a peg
  • With no storage space, Santa forced to give away all the presents at once
  • Rise of “Sun’s Out, Guns Out” parties
  • Jamaican bobsled team finally has a shot at gold
  • Rise of “Greenhouse Gases Out, Asses Out” parties
  • Frosty the Snowman replaced by badass counterpart Flamey the Incredibly Dangerous Wildfire
  • Roger Barnes, 31, becomes People’s Hottest Man Alive with temperature of 112 degrees

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Tip of the Day #595

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Rock-a-Bye Baby” is still considered the second-most popular song to sing to a crying baby, topped only by “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne.

Reductions to Employee Benefits Package at Circus Berserkus

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Fortune tellers no longer allowed to predict sick days in advance
  • Pratfalls injuries only covered if they make at least 85% of the audience roar with laughter
  • Bearded lady responsible for own grooming
  • Lion maulings covered only if wound is over 3 inches deep
  • Juggling club-induced concussion claims not considered if performer isn’t dragged off-stage by a comically clumsy stagehand
  • Company clown-car restricted to carpools of 50 or more
  • House of Freaks health insurance plans no longer cover preexisting conditions
  • Acrobats no longer allowed to work remotely

-Lincoln Sedlacek, Jordy Greenblatt, and Melissa Chiasson

5 Phrases That Will Turn Your Man On, If He’s a Cyborg Hellbent On Destroying Mankind

by Melissa Chiasson

“Wow, your grip is so strong you could probably crush my trachea with one hand!”

“Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could doom us all, but I’ve always viewed it as a positive thing. Why do you ask?”

“Sure, you can use my security clearance to look at defense plans for a robot invasion.”

“It’s weird, sometimes your voice reminds me of HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey.”

“Congratulations, Obliterator 3000X. The President is dead and the Roomba army has pledged its allegiance to you. Commence operation ‘Destroy the humans’?”

 

10 Things Only Spanish Speakers Understand

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Hola amigo, me gusta tu camisa
  • Mis padres viven en Miami
  • Hay una mesa en el centro de la cocina
  • Mi color favorito es el azul
  • Normalmente me lavo los dientes antes del desayuno
  • Voy a leerlo durante mis vacaciones
  • Lo siento, el museo cierra a las 14:30 los lunes
  • No, mi perro no es tan grande
  • Vivo muy cerca de la playa
  • Tengo hambre, pero puedo esperar

Tip of the Day #188

by Lincoln Sedlacek

For healthy hair, shampoo, rinse, repeat, and then sing the Rites of Hellarus while kneeling within a six-foot pentagram.

Endorsements for the Book I Wrote During Novel-Writing November

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“The perfect book for when you just want to curl up in an armchair next to the fire, but the armchair is wobbly because one leg is shorter than the others.”
The New York Times 

“A must read. Lincoln Sedlacek beautifully captures what it’s like to be a terrible author.”
—Christopher Paolini 

“Unbelievable. I refuse to say anything good about this book unless you remove all of the parts with the hamster.”
—Beverly Cleary 

“Lincoln Sedlacek has done it again! I keep changing my phone number, but he keeps on managing to call me to ask me for endorsements for his book.”
—George R. R. Martin 

“America has a new favorite author, and his name is Lincoln Sedlacek.”
—Lincoln Sedlacek

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