Letters to Santa from Children Who Have Realized They Can Blackmail Him
by Lincoln Sedlacek
I hope you’re well. How are things with Mrs. Claus at the North Pole? They must be pretty good, since I’m guessing you only kiss your elves when you’re inside your workshop at the Eastpoint Mall in Baltimore, away from prying eyes. If a remote control helicopter isn’t underneath my tree on Christmas morning, my next letter will reach Mrs. Claus by New Year’s.
This Christmas, I would like a new Kindle, with some books already on it: preferably The Fault in Our Stars and The Lightning Thief. However, failing that, I would also settle for a reporter covering the story of how I discovered a dismembered reindeer hoof in my backyard last Boxing Day.
How are you feeling? Pretty well, I imagine, since the slow-acting poison I laced your Christmas cookies with last year shouldn’t start affecting you until this January. Don’t bother having your elf medical team try to save you – the poison is undetectable, and I have the only antidote, which I will happily give you in return for an iPhone 6. We can make the exchange behind the garage at 9:00 PM on Christmas Eve. Come alone.
Thank you so much for the diary you gave me last year. The handwritten note was especially thoughtful. You have such nice handwriting – I’ve been practicing my own handwriting so that I can write as nice as you someday! I wonder if you’ll send me a handwritten note this year. Like, maybe you’ll send me a scrapbooking kit this year with a note that says “NAUGHTY KIDS DIE!” Ha ha, just kidding. You’ll probably just send me a boring set of nerf guns with no note.
I’ve been having lots of fun on my mom’s computer lately. Have you ever heard of this cool program called Photoshop? You can do so many fun things with it! I’ve been practicing with Photoshop, and I’ve gotten really good at making things look really realistic. Anyway, this Christmas maybe it’d be cool if I got the newest version of Photoshop, so I could get even more creative! Or maybe you’ll just get me the new Assassin’s Creed and Borderlands games, and I’ll get distracted and forget my little Photoshop hobby. Up to you!
Can’t wait to get my picture taken with you at the mall,