Fighting other shoppers may seem contrary to the holiday spirit, but it gives you a great opportunity to find free stocking stuffers when you loot the bodies.
Dear Santa,
I hope you’re well. How are things with Mrs. Claus at the North Pole? They must be pretty good, since I’m guessing you only kiss your elves when you’re inside your workshop at the Eastpoint Mall in Baltimore, away from prying eyes. If a remote control helicopter isn’t underneath my tree on Christmas morning, my next letter will reach Mrs. Claus by New Year’s.
Happy Holidays!
Samantha Collins
Hi Santa,
This Christmas, I would like a new Kindle, with some books already on it: preferably The Fault in Our Stars and The Lightning Thief. However, failing that, I would also settle for a reporter covering the story of how I discovered a dismembered reindeer hoof in my backyard last Boxing Day.
Best,
Jamal Werti
Santa,
How are you feeling? Pretty well, I imagine, since the slow-acting poison I laced your Christmas cookies with last year shouldn’t start affecting you until this January. Don’t bother having your elf medical team try to save you – the poison is undetectable, and I have the only antidote, which I will happily give you in return for an iPhone 6. We can make the exchange behind the garage at 9:00 PM on Christmas Eve. Come alone.
Sincerely,
Natalie Ortiz
Hey Santa,
Thank you so much for the diary you gave me last year. The handwritten note was especially thoughtful. You have such nice handwriting – I’ve been practicing my own handwriting so that I can write as nice as you someday! I wonder if you’ll send me a handwritten note this year. Like, maybe you’ll send me a scrapbooking kit this year with a note that says “NAUGHTY KIDS DIE!” Ha ha, just kidding. You’ll probably just send me a boring set of nerf guns with no note.
Merry Christmas,
Billy Park
Dear Santa,
I’ve been having lots of fun on my mom’s computer lately. Have you ever heard of this cool program called Photoshop? You can do so many fun things with it! I’ve been practicing with Photoshop, and I’ve gotten really good at making things look really realistic. Anyway, this Christmas maybe it’d be cool if I got the newest version of Photoshop, so I could get even more creative! Or maybe you’ll just get me the new Assassin’s Creed and Borderlands games, and I’ll get distracted and forget my little Photoshop hobby. Up to you!
Can’t wait to get my picture taken with you at the mall,
Jordan Quimbey
Alcohol is often an effective substitute for human interaction.
-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek
“Rock-a-Bye Baby” is still considered the second-most popular song to sing to a crying baby, topped only by “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne.
-Lincoln Sedlacek, Jordy Greenblatt, and Melissa Chiasson
“Wow, your grip is so strong you could probably crush my trachea with one hand!”
“Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could doom us all, but I’ve always viewed it as a positive thing. Why do you ask?”
“Sure, you can use my security clearance to look at defense plans for a robot invasion.”
“It’s weird, sometimes your voice reminds me of HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey.”
“Congratulations, Obliterator 3000X. The President is dead and the Roomba army has pledged its allegiance to you. Commence operation ‘Destroy the humans’?”
For healthy hair, shampoo, rinse, repeat, and then sing the Rites of Hellarus while kneeling within a six-foot pentagram.
“The perfect book for when you just want to curl up in an armchair next to the fire, but the armchair is wobbly because one leg is shorter than the others.”
—The New York Times
“A must read. Lincoln Sedlacek beautifully captures what it’s like to be a terrible author.”
—Christopher Paolini
“Unbelievable. I refuse to say anything good about this book unless you remove all of the parts with the hamster.”
—Beverly Cleary
“Lincoln Sedlacek has done it again! I keep changing my phone number, but he keeps on managing to call me to ask me for endorsements for his book.”
—George R. R. Martin
“America has a new favorite author, and his name is Lincoln Sedlacek.”
—Lincoln Sedlacek
PUT IT ALL ON RED 