PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Tag: Melissa

Catchphrases I’d Use if I Were a Judge for the NBA Dunk Contest

by Melissa Chiasson

“Hoop! There it is.”

“And down goes the old leather pumpkin!”

“Looks like someone took a class in underwater basket-DUNKING in college.”

“It must be the evening after Jaime broke up with me and destroyed my self confidence, because there are NO REBOUNDS TONIGHT!”

“Dunk, dunk, goose!”

“I like my basketball hoops the same way I like my Oreos – DOUBLE STUFFED.”

“Michael Jordan might have had jumps, but my goodness does this kid have him beat in the elaborate bicep tattoo category.”

“Anyone in the mood for a snack? Because there are some DUNKAROOS out on that court.”

“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more balls going in. Wait, can I get a redo?”

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Skype Call Quality Survey

by Lincoln Sedlacek

How would you rate the quality of this call?

 

How would you rate the quality of your significant other during this call?

 

How many times was the phrase “relationship issues” used during this call?

 

Would the sound quality of this conversation have been better had you been in Cleveland with your significant other, talking to them in person?

 

More importantly, are you willing to move to Cleveland for something you’re no longer quite sure is love?

 

Please select any video issues you experienced during the call.
Ο Video was grainy
Ο Video was jumpy, like your significant other any time you used the word “commitment”
Ο Image froze – only a few times, but somehow it always managed to catch your significant other looking at their phone

 

Please check all of the audio issues you experienced during this call.
Ο Echo, specifically of the phrase, “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do about that!”
Ο Audio was slightly behind video and way behind where you had hoped your relationship would be after two years
Ο Audio cut out more often than your significant other did the month after your dog died

 

Would this call have been more enjoyable if, instead of talking to your significant other, you had just talked to yourself while pretending a banana you were holding was a phone?

 

Did the call disconnect?
If so, please select the reason for the disconnection.
Ο Connection to internet was poor
Ο Your significant other’s connection to internet was poor – even worse than their connection to you
Ο You disconnected on purpose because your significant other is a mediocre conversationalist

 

Would you like to contact a Skype Support Representative in your area and see if they are free for drinks?

 

 

 

–Melissa Chiasson and Lincoln Sedlacek

Oscar Predictions, 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Abdominal Muscles in a Leading Role
Channing Tatum’s Abdominal Muscles, Magic Mike XXL

Most Realistic Representation of Ted Cruz in a Leading Role
Indominous Rex, Jurassic World

Best Tree in a Supporting Role
White Oak, The Revenant

Best Movie Paralleling Current-Day International Politics
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Most Recent Movie About Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs

Best Costume Design by Household Vermin
Cinderella

Best Post-Production Decision-Making
Cutting B-Plot Where Donnie’s Cat Trains to Fight Neighbor’s Dog, Creed

Worst Video Resolution
Pixels

Deepest Exploration of the Negative Effects of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
Minions

Closest Oscar Races of 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Jennifer Lawrence in a Role Supporting Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
vs.
Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence Presents: Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco

Best Diverse Casting Hollywood Can Do
Emma Stone, Aloha
vs.
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

Most Robotic Acting
Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
vs.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator Genisys

Best Cinnamontography
“Starbucks Scene,” Avengers: Age of Ultron
vs.
Large Apple Spice Muffin, Straight Outta Compton

Movie That Most Confuses the Audience About the Size of the Main Character
Antman
vs.
The Big Short

Best Earning of an R Rating by a Vulgar, Balls-to-the-Wall Bear
Ted, Ted 2
vs.
Paddington, Paddington

Highest Filmography
Everest
vs.
Dope

Best Celebration of White Greatness That Doesn’t Help the World in Any Way
The Walk
vs.
The 2016 Oscar Nominations

-Lincoln Sedlacek, Melissa Chiasson, and Jordy Greenblatt

E. E. Cummings Drinks a Pumpkin Spice Latte

by Melissa Chiasson

christ

“taste of fall”?

more like

          taste.   of.

                             foul.  

heyo

 

excuse me barista

i believe a

(pumpkin)

jizzed in this cup

Tweets From the Twitter Account I Made for My Neighbor’s Dog

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Dog Twitter

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Money-Saving Tips for Summer Vacation

by Jordy Greenblatt

  • Remember that hotel rooms are massively under-priced if a global pandemic originated in them
  • Only take your favorite child
  • Tell yourself that vacationing is a state of mind or some bullshit
  • Take heart that, thanks to today’s economy, siphoning gas is not the taboo it once was
  • St. Bart’s is a popular destination, but the budget-savvy traveler knows that many of the same luxuries can be had for a fraction of the price in Barbados
  • Marry a lonely and aged heiress who will take you places for free
  • Steal tons of shit
  • “Accidentally” bring your expired credit cards
  • Tip Vegas strippers in hyper-inflated Zimbabwean bills
  • Instead of wasting money at an overpriced hotel bar, mix your own daiquiris with ice from the urinal and fermented Nestle Strawberry Quik
  • Save on a beach vacation by sunbathing nude in an elementary school sandbox
  • Try to get your credit card stolen by someone you think will spend less than you do
  • Instead of paying for hotel rooms, just go home with a different person every night. Make sure your spouse and children have the skills necessary to do the same.
  • The cheapest vacation destinations are in Farina, IL, Topeka, KS, and the middle of the Sahara Desert. These places are also god-awful, so you’ll be unlikely to spend lots of money on souvenirs or having fun.
  • Everyone likes luxurious hotels and fancy restaurants, but if your kids are young enough they’ll be just as happy to stay in a Motel 6 and eat McDonald’s for every meal

-Melissa Chiasson, River Clegg, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Things I Didn’t Do Yesterday Because I Thought It Was February 29th

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Use my now-expired Macy’s coupons
  • Mail in grad school applications with March 1st deadlines
  • Show up for the meeting with my parole officer
  • Celebrate my daughter’s birthday
  • Get my daughter a birthday present that would make up for also forgetting her birthday last year
  • Send out the church’s February news round-up
  • Pay protection money
  • Remind crime lord, who said it would be a shame if anything happened to my seven-year-old daughter, that my daughter is actually eight now
  • Flip my calendar to March

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek

Songs from Prince’s Sensual New Holiday Album, I’m Dreaming of a Wet Christmas

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Jingle Bell Rockhard Boner
  • Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Fuck Me)
  • Ho for the Holidays
  • Snow Makes Me Horny
  • Do You Hear What I Hear? (An Elfin Orgy)
  • I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus (And I Liked It)
  • That’s Not Eggnog Dripping Down My Chin
  • O, Holy Fuck!
  • Unwrap Your Present (It’s My Genitalia)
  • Carol of My Balls
  • Angels Pulling Down My Fly
  • A Miracle Happened in Bethlehem (Come All Over My Back)
  • Feliz Navidad (¿Quieres Coger?)
  • Here Comes Santa Claus

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

Records Listed in “Unbeeten: A Book of the World’s Most Incredible Beets”

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Reddest
  • Oldest
  • Largest (by volume)
  • Largest (by mass)
  • Most Difficult to Peel
  • Best Beet/Goat Cheese Pairing
  • Most Misshapen
  • Best in Class: Red Widow, Bloody Mary, Crimson Tide
  • Best Beet-Related Pun
  • Runniest (Boiled)
  • Runniest (Fresh)
  • Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Radish
  • Best Borscht
  • Longest Without Water
  • Most Closely Resembling Jesus
  • Sexiest

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson

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