-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek
Spring Break: Go to the nearest “party” beach. Shotgun a beer, crush it in your hand, take off an article of clothing that leaves you semi-decently covered, and scream, “Spriiiiiiing Breeeeeeeaaaaaaak!” at the top of your lungs.
Fall Break: Go to the nearest apple orchard. Do a keg stand on a barrel of hard apple cider. Smash a pair of gourds together over your head, then scream, “Faaaall Breeeaaak!” while charging into a pile of leaves.
Thanksgiving Break: Go to the nearest Thanksgiving dinner reenactment, in full Pilgrim attire. Pick up the nearest pumpkin pie and shove as much of it as possible into your mouth in the space of five seconds. Get on the table, take off your pilgrim hat or coif, swing it around over your head, and scream, “Thanksgiving Break!” before body slamming a live turkey.
Winter Break: Go to the nearest holiday party. Drain the entire crystal bowl of punch, then smash it enthusiastically into the gingerbread house. Swing your scarf in the air above your head, and scream, “Winterrrrrrrrrrr Break! Who’s ready to get on the naughty list!”
Easter Break: Go to the nearest Easter mass. Sit quietly throughout the service, until the taking of Holy Communion. When it’s your turn, grab the cup from the priest, climb onto the altar and drain every last bit of wine from it, and scream, “Easter Break!” jumping into the congregation as you do so. After you presumably land on the floor, get groggily to your feet, then wait a few seconds before yelling, “He is riseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!”
In lots of cities, bats live in the spaces between rafters under bridges. These bats, like all bats, have really good hearing. So do they ever get frustrated trying to sleep when they’re literally living directly under an overpass?
Out of tomato sauce? You can easily substitute it with red paint, provided your goal is to make things red and not to make delicious food.
The alarm clock doesn’t go off and you accidentally oversleep 90 years until you die of old age.
You’re in Anatomy, and the person in the school that you’re most attracted to is sitting behind you. They seductively whisper in your ear, “Want to go to the janitor’s closet and learn about my anatomy?” but it turns out you’re a sleeper agent and “anatomy” was the word that triggers you to hack into the U.S. missile defense system.
The principal gets on the intercom system just to let everyone know that Beyonce called and said she would come say hi to everyone if you were no longer at the school. This occurs during PE, where the archery unit has just started and everyone is holding bows and arrows.
You accidentally sit in the wrong place in the cafeteria and the table folds together, crushing everyone sitting there including you.
When you walk into Chemistry class after lunch, there is no teacher. There are only the words, “Today’s assignment: THE ANTIDOTE” written on the board.
You’re giving a presentation at the front of Speech class, when you suddenly realize you’re in your underwear and everyone starts laughing at you. Then you wake up, only to realize that you had fallen asleep while taking a shower in the locker rooms and people thought you had fainted and hit your head so now you’re being carried through the hallways on a gurney, naked, in front of the entire student body.
The World History teacher is sick, and left the first season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for the substitute to have everyone watch.
You can greatly reduce your chances of rear-ending another car by driving on the wrong side of the road.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 