How to Announce College Breaks

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Spring Break: Go to the nearest “party” beach. Shotgun a beer, crush it in your hand, take off an article of clothing that leaves you semi-decently covered, and scream, “Spriiiiiiing Breeeeeeeaaaaaaak!” at the top of your lungs.

Fall Break: Go to the nearest apple orchard. Do a keg stand on a barrel of hard apple cider. Smash a pair of gourds together over your head, then scream, “Faaaall Breeeaaak!” while charging into a pile of leaves.

Thanksgiving Break: Go to the nearest Thanksgiving dinner reenactment, in full Pilgrim attire. Pick up the nearest pumpkin pie and shove as much of it as possible into your mouth in the space of five seconds. Get on the table, take off your pilgrim hat or coif, swing it around over your head, and scream, “Thanksgiving Break!” before body slamming a live turkey.

Winter Break: Go to the nearest holiday party. Drain the entire crystal bowl of punch, then smash it enthusiastically into the gingerbread house. Swing your scarf in the air above your head, and scream, “Winterrrrrrrrrrr Break! Who’s ready to get on the naughty list!”

Easter Break: Go to the nearest Easter mass. Sit quietly throughout the service, until the taking of Holy Communion. When it’s your turn, grab the cup from the priest, climb onto the altar and drain every last bit of wine from it, and scream, “Easter Break!” jumping into the congregation as you do so. After you presumably land on the floor, get groggily to your feet, then wait a few seconds before yelling, “He is riseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!”