PUT IT ALL ON RED

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Tag: Lincoln

This Day in History: Feb. 18, 1982

by Lincoln Sedlacek

San Diego Zoo showcases first openly gay elephant.

Just a Thought: Calories Burned

by Lincoln Sedlacek

My FitBit buzzes and congratulates me whenever I meet one of my fitness goals for the day. It’s generally a good motivator, but I feel like it’s sending me the wrong message when it congratulates me for meeting my “distance walked” goal en route to Krispy Kreme.

Valentine’s Day Cards

by Lincoln Sedlacek

A big, cartoonish bee with rosy cheeks is smiling and hugging a flower. Inside it says, “Bee mine.” Underneath, in fancy handwriting, are the words, “To my queen B,” and two tickets to a Beyoncé concert are taped to the paper. Underneath that was quickly scrawled, “Shit shit shit, I’m really sorry I’m sending you this card after you got attacked by that swarm of bees. I bought the card and taped the Beyoncé tickets to it before that happened, and I was afraid that trying to get the tickets off would rip them. Anyway…love you!”

On the front: “Over time, I’ve tried to fill my life with lots of things: work, money, adventure, stuff…” On the inside: “But in the end, nothing fills my heart like you do.” Underneath is a picture of a heart with an “insert gift card here” slot, which is occupied by a photo of the card sender and recipient from their first date. Underneath that is a handwritten note: “Please don’t think I’m cheap.”

The outside is pink with red hearts on it, and reads, “Will you be my Valentine?” The inside is a list of terms and conditions with an “I agree to the terms and conditions” checkbox at the bottom.

A traditional homemade card – pink and heart-shaped. On the outside, it says, “Nothing represents my love for you more perfectly than this card…” The inside reads, “I tried to make it into something I thought was realistic. But it turns out that just as society has given me factually inaccurate ideas of what a heart looks like, so too has society given me an untrue fantasy of what love is.” A $5 Starbucks gift card is enclosed.

A black-and-white photograph of a pug graces the front. The inside reads, “I’m head a-pug heels for you!” At the bottom, in eight-point font, the card designer apparently went ahead and included the text, “Let’s be honest, whoever you’re getting this from didn’t think to buy you a card until at least 5:00 PM on February 14th.”

Audio Clips That Are Apparently Programmed into My Gym’s Treadmills

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Choose your workout.”

“Watching Flip That House on HGTV is not a workout. Please choose an exercise regimen.”

“Are you sure you don’t want something a bit more challenging?”

“You realize that your chosen workout will burn about as many calories as the average 3rd grader burns during a 15-minute recess, right?”

“Okay, home improvement and the ‘high school hallway’ workout, it is.”

“Is that your heart-rate? Good god, you’ve only been on the treadmill for 15 seconds.”

“I know that you are supposed to be able to watch shows with no commercials, but I’m going to put on some health insurance ads anyway.”

“Are you training for a marathon? Maybe you should start smaller, like training for the walk to the subway station nearest your apartment.”

“Your workout is 50% complete, as is your life if you keep up this sedentary lifestyle.”

“You know how they say, ‘Pain is weakness leaving the body’? Well, you know what that slight tingling of physical exertion is? That’s weakness going down to the front lobby of your body and telling the receptionist that it wants to extend its reservation by seven years.”

“Hey! See that cute lawyer over by the dumbbells? If you hurry, you might be able to leave before she sees you completing such an embarrassing workout.”

“Okay, so I’ll tell you a little secret. Your workout is technically complete now, because I was unable to move slowly enough to accommodate your requested workout. So please, please just leave and make room for someone who wants to actually exercise.”

“Hooray, they flipped the house! The buyer is signing the paperwork! And that signature is burning more calories than you have this entire time!”

“Your sad, pathetic workout is complete. See you ne—DON’T YOU DARE START AN EPISODE OF STORAGE WARS!”

Menu Items at Illegal Sea Foods

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Boneless Albatross Wing
Tired of trying to decide whether you want 6, 8, or 12 wings? With the albatross wing, you just need one! This five-foot plate of juicy albatross meat is the perfect appetizer for large groups; it may not be sustainable, but it can totally sustain six to eight people until their entrees arrive.

Sea Turtle Soup
Served in a turtle-shell bowl, this soup is made with sea salt, kelp, and delicious chunks of fresh loggerhead sea turtle, diced daily by our in-house motorboat propeller.

Manatee Burger
The best beef doesn’t come from a cow – it comes from a sea cow. This all-manatee-meat burger is cooked over Australian scarlet coral and served with a side of endangered seagrass salad.

Northern Sea Otter Cutlets
If this tender otter meat sells any faster, it’ll go extinct in no time! Illegal Sea Foods is proud to say that all of our otter meat is cage-free, as keeping otters in cages in our restaurant would make it way too easy for the federal government to discover and shut down our operation.

Whale Ice Cream
This ice cream is made with real melted whale fat, and is covered in an absolute oil slick of our hot fudge. Save the whales? More like save some room for them!

Tips for Following Through on Your 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Want to lose weight and get in shape in 2015? “You are what you eat,” the adage goes – so try eating Cristiano Ronaldo or Serena Williams.
  • Lots of people are trying to find God, but doing so takes time. Practice by going through Where’s Waldo? books and watching old episodes of Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?
  • You’re sure to exercise and travel more if you’re on the run from your local mafia.
  • Do you think you watch too much TV? Try watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo – it is the pinnacle of television achievement, and after viewing it you will never feel the need to watch anything ever again.
  • Is one of your resolutions to “enjoy life to the fullest”? Try coming up with some less stupid resolutions.

Scariest Halloween Door Decals

by Lincoln Sedlacek

A wreath of fall leaves, with a sign nestled in it reading, “You are currently at higher risk of the roof of this house caving in and killing you than you are of falling prey to a shark attack.”

There’s a doggy-door, but it’s been made to look like a just-used guillotine with a fake severed dog head next to it.

Spiderwebs. A family of spiders is wrapped in its own web in the center of the decal, surrounded by grasshoppers holding tiny forks and knives. Beneath the scene is a sign that says, “Welcome!”

The door is covered to look like a life-size coffin, standing on end and facing whoever is at the door. The bottom of the coffin is a mirror.

A large sticker looks like blood seeping from the top of the door frame. In center, it says, “Even though this Halloween decoration is all in good fun, you really have no way of knowing that I don’t drink the blood of infants each and every night.”

TRUMP 2016

Tip of the Day #8245

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Tying a string around one of your fingers is a great way of reminding yourself that you have an infected paper cut on that finger and it needs to be amputated.

Tip of the Day #907

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Flowers and a remorseful card can be a great way to tell someone, “I’m sorry I forgot about our anniversary, and your birthday, and your play, and your recent defense of your dissertation, and that we were dating entirely.” They are a less effective way of saying, “I’m sorry I forgot you have a severe pollen allergy.”

Tip of the Day #510

by Lincoln Sedlacek

While it may be nice to populate the walls of your house with family photos, it’s much more cost effective to just buy picture frames and leave in the stock photos.

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