Hitting someone with a small, plastic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle counts as assault in the state of Minnesota, so wait until your bus has crossed the Wisconsin border before lobbing it back at the annoying 8-year-old across the aisle.
Stapling one corner of a stack of papers, instead of all four corners, will not only save you money but also make it easier for people to turn the pages.
“This place is great at meeting each of their customer’s unique needs! Not only did they let us watch as they cremated Mrs. Altwood, they let us dance to “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys. It was the perfect send off.”
“A total bait and switch. I showed up and asked to see their cream selection and the receptionist told me she didn’t know what I was talking about. Looks like I’m going to continue going to my local farmer’s market, thank you very much.”
“Very satisfied. Woodland Oaks Crematorium didn’t care that we had no official paperwork, and they said it was fine that we didn’t schedule an official appointment and just burned the body while no witnesses were there. Thank you, Woodland Oaks! We will definitely be returning for repeat business. :)”
“This place should have a serious investagation. My pig Tulip was a very big pig and they gave me this very tiny vase and say it has his ash in it? I want to know where the rest of his body went this is definately not all of it.”
“Great bacon in the waiting room.”
Reorganizing the Closet
Laying a firm foundation of misinformation with one’s family and friends in order to make it easier to perform maintenance lies about one’s sexuality later.
Checking for Monsters in the Closet
A practice only performed by young, naïve gays, in which – despite a certain amount of fear – they carefully scout out the availability of discreet sexual partners.
Installing a Shoe Rack in the Closet
Fabricating a large-scale cover for your extensive collection of flamboyant shoes, like a fictitious aspiration to be a cobbler.
Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Jeans
Hinting at the fact that you are gay to a friend or family member, a measure taken to prepare them for your coming out of the closet later.
Calling Someone From the Closet to Ask If They’ve Seen Your Tight, Pink V-Neck Shirt
Like calling someone from the closet to ask if they’ve seen your jeans, but laying it on a whole lot thicker.
Cleaning Out the Closet for Goodwill
Debunking the lies and deceptions that obviously no longer fit after you’ve come out of the closet, and donating the more gently-used lies to your gay friends who are still in the closet.
Repurposing the Closet
After one has come out of the closet, it may be necessary to lie to family members about aspects of your love life for other reasons – for example, if you are currently dating your sister’s closeted fiancé.
For years, we at Kelly’s Bakery have loved bringing Seattle delicious cupcakes for all occasions. And through all those years, there’s one question we’ve been asked more than any other: “What’s the secret to making such delicious cupcakes?”
Well, there are a lot of things that go into making our special cupcakes: a top-notch, worker-friendly kitchen; quality, FDA-approved organic ingredients; and, yes, a bit of passion-driven culinary genius. But what really makes our cupcakes the best in Seattle? That’s easy: demonic rituals.
Every cupcake Kelly’s sells is made that day. As you can imagine, that means work has to start early. The first employees arrive at 4:00 AM to start heating up the ovens, making the batter and icing, and – most importantly – begin draining the blood of a new-born lamb to summon Likkn’ath, Master of the Eternal Flame. This all might sound like it could be done in 30 minutes, but in reality, it takes two and a half hours. That’s because we allow extra time to make sure the consistency of the icing is absolutely perfect – and also because if you drain a lamb’s blood too quickly, it’ll die before you can finish reciting the Rites of Fellora, which must be chanted in their entirety to ensure our cupcakes are at their moistest.
Once the batter is mixed and the ovens are hot, it’s time to start baking. Our regular cupcakes are made 240 at a time in our five commercial ovens, but the deluxe cupcakes have to be made seven at a time in our specially-made brick oven, which is large enough that we can burn one of our competitors alive inside of it as an offering to Zelok, Demoness of Rivalry and Envy.
From there, the cupcakes go to the decorators. Each kind takes a different amount of time to be iced and decorated. For example, our peanut-butter bombs take only twenty seconds to receive their regular coating of chocolate icing, while our spring special, the honeycombcakes, take five minutes to receive their signature hexagonal pattern, along with their sugary bee toppers. And then there’s the salted caramel – it requires a whole fifteen minutes to be annointed in the tears of a worker who has betrayed Likkn’ath as the traitor is tortured over his former cooling rack.
Finally, there’s the moment the cupcake is eaten. Cake, creamy filling, icing, sprinkles, and the powers of darkness combine to make the perfect culinary experience in one’s mouth, but the real magic happens in the back room. There, several Kelly’s acolytes form a circle around a young male virgin and perform a ritual to transport him to the gates of Hell itself, all so that the lucky customer in the next room can experience a moment of pure ecstasy as they bite into one of our delicious desserts.
Yes, cupcake-lovers, it’s true: making the best cupcakes in Seattle doesn’t come easy. There’s a lot of hard work, devotion, and sacrifice involved. But in the end, when I see the satisfaction we bring our customers, I know all the blood, sweat, and tears are worth it. Whoever’s they are.
Whenever I hear the lyrics “He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop; / And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler, ‘Stop!'” I always find myself thinking that the song “Frosty the Snowman” must have been a PSA about crossing the street that was changed to be a children’s song at the last moment.
January 17th – PIAOR welcomes their newest member, Zack the intern, by explaining that his will be an unpaid position.
February 8th – Jordy uploads his homemade “#SELFIE” music video.
February 21st – The musical group Kidz Bop sues Jordy for ripping off several aspects of their “#SELFIE” music video.
March 2nd – Ellen DeGeneres’ Oscar selfie goes viral, breaking records by becoming the first picture River hasn’t been able to find Waldo in.
April 11th – News reports about the Heartbleed bug cause Melissa to update the PIAOR password from “password1234” to “password12345.”
May 4th – Someone hacks the PIAOR administrative account. The staff decides to blame Zack the intern and lower his pay to him paying them minimum wage.
May 26th – PIAOR remembers those who gave their lives for our country by writing a heartfelt Memorial Day elegy and then posting a piece called “Kermit the Frog’s First Prostate Exam” instead.
June 20th – Zack the intern misses his one-year anniversary dinner with his girlfriend because Lincoln doesn’t know how to use the color printer.
July 19th – After the U.S. bans several Russians for human rights abuses, Russia bans 13 Americans, and the Victoria’s Secret on 13th and Main bans Lincoln for unrelated reasons.
August 23rd – All PIAOR pieces published in the previous three weeks subpoenaed by federal judge.
September 4th – Jordy panics upon realizing that the party he went to wasn’t actually supposed to be murder-mystery themed. He immediately apologizes to the family of the victim.
October 29th – Reports that Fireball whiskey contains an ingredient also used in antifreeze cause Melissa to postpone the PIAOR Halloween party so that there’s time to get more Fireball for it.
November 7th – Samsung releases the Gear S, a smartwatch which has been called one of the worst gadgets of 2014, which makes the PIAOR staff pretty grateful we never tried to patent our own invention, the potato-battery-powered life-support machine.
December 29th – Zack the intern misses the PIAOR holiday party because the staff tells him he has to copy-edit this piece instead. Dickheads.
-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek
Resolution: Quit smoking.
Reason for failure: Forgot to start smoking in time for this resolution to be meaningful.
Resolution: Stop chewing ice.
Reason for failure: Competed on game show where I had to save several children trapped under a collapsed igloo without using my hands.
Resolution: Finally replicate my Great-Aunt Henrietta’s Chili-Cheese Stew.
Reason for failure: New health and safety regulations instituted by the FDA.
Resolution: Develop rockin’ six-pack abs.
Reason for failure: Repeated attempts to replicate Great-Aunt Henrietta’s Chili-Cheese Stew.
Resolution: Seduce George Clooney.
Reason for failure: Inability to replicate Chili-Cheese Stew.
Resolution: Volunteer at a local soup kitchen.
Reason for failure: The only available volunteer hours conflicted with The Mindy Project.
Resolution: Take a trip to Italy.
Reason for failure: My tendency to part my hair on the same side as internationally-wanted man Tore Alesio.
Resolution: Drink less.
Reason for failure: Alcohol.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 