Reasons I Failed at My 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Resolution: Quit smoking.
Reason for failure: Forgot to start smoking in time for this resolution to be meaningful.

Resolution: Stop chewing ice.
Reason for failure: Competed on game show where I had to save several children trapped under a collapsed igloo without using my hands.

Resolution: Finally replicate my Great-Aunt Henrietta’s Chili-Cheese Stew.
Reason for failure: New health and safety regulations instituted by the FDA.

Resolution: Develop rockin’ six-pack abs.
Reason for failure: Repeated attempts to replicate Great-Aunt Henrietta’s Chili-Cheese Stew.

Resolution: Seduce George Clooney.
Reason for failure: Inability to replicate Chili-Cheese Stew.

Resolution: Volunteer at a local soup kitchen.
Reason for failure: The only available volunteer hours conflicted with The Mindy Project.

Resolution: Take a trip to Italy.
Reason for failure: My tendency to part my hair on the same side as internationally-wanted man Tore Alesio.

Resolution: Drink less.
Reason for failure: Alcohol.