by Melissa Chiasson
Dinosaurs open the first Starbucks.
“Hoop! There it is.”
“And down goes the old leather pumpkin!”
“Looks like someone took a class in underwater basket-DUNKING in college.”
“It must be the evening after Jaime broke up with me and destroyed my self confidence, because there are NO REBOUNDS TONIGHT!”
“Dunk, dunk, goose!”
“I like my basketball hoops the same way I like my Oreos – DOUBLE STUFFED.”
“Michael Jordan might have had jumps, but my goodness does this kid have him beat in the elaborate bicep tattoo category.”
“Anyone in the mood for a snack? Because there are some DUNKAROOS out on that court.”
“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more balls going in. Wait, can I get a redo?”
Friday’s new season of House of Cards is going to be the first season of the show where the political plot – a presidential race – is more believable than its real-world counterpart.
How would you rate the quality of this call?
How would you rate the quality of your significant other during this call?
How many times was the phrase “relationship issues” used during this call?
Would the sound quality of this conversation have been better had you been in Cleveland with your significant other, talking to them in person?
More importantly, are you willing to move to Cleveland for something you’re no longer quite sure is love?
Please select any video issues you experienced during the call.
Ο Video was grainy
Ο Video was jumpy, like your significant other any time you used the word “commitment”
Ο Image froze – only a few times, but somehow it always managed to catch your significant other looking at their phone
Please check all of the audio issues you experienced during this call.
Ο Echo, specifically of the phrase, “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do about that!”
Ο Audio was slightly behind video and way behind where you had hoped your relationship would be after two years
Ο Audio cut out more often than your significant other did the month after your dog died
Would this call have been more enjoyable if, instead of talking to your significant other, you had just talked to yourself while pretending a banana you were holding was a phone?
Did the call disconnect?
If so, please select the reason for the disconnection.
Ο Connection to internet was poor
Ο Your significant other’s connection to internet was poor – even worse than their connection to you
Ο You disconnected on purpose because your significant other is a mediocre conversationalist
Would you like to contact a Skype Support Representative in your area and see if they are free for drinks?
–Melissa Chiasson and Lincoln Sedlacek
Best Abdominal Muscles in a Leading Role
Channing Tatum’s Abdominal Muscles, Magic Mike XXL
Most Realistic Representation of Ted Cruz in a Leading Role
Indominous Rex, Jurassic World
Best Tree in a Supporting Role
White Oak, The Revenant
Best Movie Paralleling Current-Day International Politics
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water
Most Recent Movie About Steve Jobs
Best Costume Design by Household Vermin
Best Post-Production Decision-Making
Cutting B-Plot Where Donnie’s Cat Trains to Fight Neighbor’s Dog, Creed
Worst Video Resolution
Deepest Exploration of the Negative Effects of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
Yo mama so fat, her doctor is concerned she might develop type II diabetes.
Yo mama so ugly, she has a hard time dating.
Yo mama so stupid, she often struggles with feelings of inadequacy.
Yo mama so poor, she gets reduced bus fare.
Yo mama so short, she probably would have been a really good gymnast.
Yo mama so slow, she steps aside so people can pass her on the sidewalk.
Yo mama so old, she is worried her retirement fund might run out before she dies.
Yo mama so hairy, as a result of a thyroid condition.