My Life
by Melissa Chiasson
PUT IT ALL ON RED
New content every weekday. Sometimes.
Category: Uncategorized
March 7, 2016
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Moving for Love
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- If you moved and things didn’t work out, would you or your partner resent the other?
- Have you and your partner discussed a long-term future together?
- Are you sure?
- Sometimes you think you and your partner are discussing a long-term future together, but what you’re really discussing is what it would take to convince you to move wherever they go to chase their dreams. Not exactly a question, but important to think about nonetheless.
- Is the new city one you can picture yourself being happy in?
- At the very least, is the new city one you can picture yourself not living in Cleveland in?
- Who are you trying to convince by looking something like this up on the internet, anyway? You realize pretty much the only possible answer is “yourself,” right?
- Okay, so you say you wouldn’t resent your partner if you moved and things didn’t work out. Let’s litmus-test that: do you already find yourself resenting your partner for minor things, like never liking your Facebook posts or frequently eating the last brownie?
- Can you afford the move?
- If not, can you afford hearing the implied “I told you so” in your mother’s voice when you call her to ask for money?
- Do you love your relationship with this person more than you love your local craft beer?
March 4, 2016
Rules to Be Instated at the Next GOP Debate
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- Candidates allowed to participate in the next GOP debate will be limited to those that can pass the Miss Manners course, “Conversational Etiquette 101: Not Interrupting.”
- Before walking onstage, all candidates will sign an honor policy stating that they will make no factually inaccurate claims, unless doing so would help them win the nomination.
- After opening statements, the moderators will explain to the audience that each of them has several buttons on their armrest – one for each candidate onstage. If, at any point, over half of audience members are holding down the button for a candidate, that candidate will drop through the trapdoor beneath them into a large vat of manure.
- If a candidate is given the opportunity to respond to another candidate’s statement, and they respond by singing the opening lyrics to “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” from Annie Get Your Gun, their time limit will be waived and they’ll be allowed to finish the song.
- Hired tattoo artists will be on hand in case any of the candidates feel comfortable getting any of the policy statements they make permanently tattooed across their chests.
- Halfway through the debate, the broadcasting station will confer with mental health centers and suicide hotlines across the country to ensure the debate isn’t posing a significant risk to the well-being of the American people.
- Whenever a candidate fails to answer a direct question, a moderator will pick three unpleasant nicknames for that candidate submitted by viewers through Twitter. They will then proceed to read those nicknames repeatedly for a full minute.
- Any candidate that utters the words, “I’m the only one on stage who has…” will be slimed, courtesy of Nickelodeon.
- Moderators will be required to ask candidates at least one question on the subject of global warming that will be ignored in favor of the lobbing of personal insults.
- Although moderators are supposed to remain impartial, each will be given one free pass to put their head into their hands and sigh deeply.
- Instead of allowing the candidates to make closing statements, moderators will spend the last five minutes of the debate extending heartfelt apologies to any women, immigrants, Muslims, LGBT-identified individuals, or other members of minority groups watching the leading representatives of one of America’s main political parties.
Status | March 3, 2016
This Day in History: Mar. 3, 154 Million B.C.
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Dinosaurs open the first Starbucks.
March 2, 2016
Catchphrases I’d Use if I Were a Judge for the NBA Dunk Contest
by Melissa Chiasson
“Hoop! There it is.”
“And down goes the old leather pumpkin!”
“Looks like someone took a class in underwater basket-DUNKING in college.”
“It must be the evening after Jaime broke up with me and destroyed my self confidence, because there are NO REBOUNDS TONIGHT!”
“Dunk, dunk, goose!”
“I like my basketball hoops the same way I like my Oreos – DOUBLE STUFFED.”
“Michael Jordan might have had jumps, but my goodness does this kid have him beat in the elaborate bicep tattoo category.”
“Anyone in the mood for a snack? Because there are some DUNKAROOS out on that court.”
“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more balls going in. Wait, can I get a redo?”
Status | March 1, 2016
Just a Thought: Realism in TV Shows
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Friday’s new season of House of Cards is going to be the first season of the show where the political plot – a presidential race – is more believable than its real-world counterpart.
February 29, 2016
Skype Call Quality Survey
by Lincoln Sedlacek
How would you rate the quality of this call?
How would you rate the quality of your significant other during this call?
How many times was the phrase “relationship issues” used during this call?
Would the sound quality of this conversation have been better had you been in Cleveland with your significant other, talking to them in person?
More importantly, are you willing to move to Cleveland for something you’re no longer quite sure is love?
Please select any video issues you experienced during the call.
Ο Video was grainy
Ο Video was jumpy, like your significant other any time you used the word “commitment”
Ο Image froze – only a few times, but somehow it always managed to catch your significant other looking at their phone
Please check all of the audio issues you experienced during this call.
Ο Echo, specifically of the phrase, “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do about that!”
Ο Audio was slightly behind video and way behind where you had hoped your relationship would be after two years
Ο Audio cut out more often than your significant other did the month after your dog died
Would this call have been more enjoyable if, instead of talking to your significant other, you had just talked to yourself while pretending a banana you were holding was a phone?
Did the call disconnect?
If so, please select the reason for the disconnection.
Ο Connection to internet was poor
Ο Your significant other’s connection to internet was poor – even worse than their connection to you
Ο You disconnected on purpose because your significant other is a mediocre conversationalist
Would you like to contact a Skype Support Representative in your area and see if they are free for drinks?
–Melissa Chiasson and Lincoln Sedlacek
February 26, 2016
Oscar Predictions, 2016
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Best Abdominal Muscles in a Leading Role
Channing Tatum’s Abdominal Muscles, Magic Mike XXL
Most Realistic Representation of Ted Cruz in a Leading Role
Indominous Rex, Jurassic World
Best Tree in a Supporting Role
White Oak, The Revenant
Best Movie Paralleling Current-Day International Politics
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water
Most Recent Movie About Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs
Best Costume Design by Household Vermin
Cinderella
Best Post-Production Decision-Making
Cutting B-Plot Where Donnie’s Cat Trains to Fight Neighbor’s Dog, Creed
Worst Video Resolution
Pixels
Deepest Exploration of the Negative Effects of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
Minions
February 25, 2016
Factually Accurate Yo Mama Jokes
by Melissa Chiasson
Yo mama so fat, her doctor is concerned she might develop type II diabetes.
Yo mama so ugly, she has a hard time dating.
Yo mama so stupid, she often struggles with feelings of inadequacy.
Yo mama so poor, she gets reduced bus fare.
Yo mama so short, she probably would have been a really good gymnast.
Yo mama so slow, she steps aside so people can pass her on the sidewalk.
Yo mama so old, she is worried her retirement fund might run out before she dies.
Yo mama so hairy, as a result of a thyroid condition.
