Candidates allowed to participate in the next GOP debate will be limited to those that can pass the Miss Manners course, “Conversational Etiquette 101: Not Interrupting.”
Before walking onstage, all candidates will sign an honor policy stating that they will make no factually inaccurate claims, unless doing so would help them win the nomination.
After opening statements, the moderators will explain to the audience that each of them has several buttons on their armrest – one for each candidate onstage. If, at any point, over half of audience members are holding down the button for a candidate, that candidate will drop through the trapdoor beneath them into a large vat of manure.
If a candidate is given the opportunity to respond to another candidate’s statement, and they respond by singing the opening lyrics to “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” from Annie Get Your Gun, their time limit will be waived and they’ll be allowed to finish the song.
Hired tattoo artists will be on hand in case any of the candidates feel comfortable getting any of the policy statements they make permanently tattooed across their chests.
Halfway through the debate, the broadcasting station will confer with mental health centers and suicide hotlines across the country to ensure the debate isn’t posing a significant risk to the well-being of the American people.
Whenever a candidate fails to answer a direct question, a moderator will pick three unpleasant nicknames for that candidate submitted by viewers through Twitter. They will then proceed to read those nicknames repeatedly for a full minute.
Any candidate that utters the words, “I’m the only one on stage who has…” will be slimed, courtesy of Nickelodeon.
Moderators will be required to ask candidates at least one question on the subject of global warming that will be ignored in favor of the lobbing of personal insults.
Although moderators are supposed to remain impartial, each will be given one free pass to put their head into their hands and sigh deeply.
Instead of allowing the candidates to make closing statements, moderators will spend the last five minutes of the debate extending heartfelt apologies to any women, immigrants, Muslims, LGBT-identified individuals, or other members of minority groups watching the leading representatives of one of America’s main political parties.