Rules to Be Instated at the Next GOP Debate
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- Candidates allowed to participate in the next GOP debate will be limited to those that can pass the Miss Manners course, “Conversational Etiquette 101: Not Interrupting.”
- Before walking onstage, all candidates will sign an honor policy stating that they will make no factually inaccurate claims, unless doing so would help them win the nomination.
- After opening statements, the moderators will explain to the audience that each of them has several buttons on their armrest – one for each candidate onstage. If, at any point, over half of audience members are holding down the button for a candidate, that candidate will drop through the trapdoor beneath them into a large vat of manure.
- If a candidate is given the opportunity to respond to another candidate’s statement, and they respond by singing the opening lyrics to “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” from Annie Get Your Gun, their time limit will be waived and they’ll be allowed to finish the song.
- Hired tattoo artists will be on hand in case any of the candidates feel comfortable getting any of the policy statements they make permanently tattooed across their chests.
- Halfway through the debate, the broadcasting station will confer with mental health centers and suicide hotlines across the country to ensure the debate isn’t posing a significant risk to the well-being of the American people.
- Whenever a candidate fails to answer a direct question, a moderator will pick three unpleasant nicknames for that candidate submitted by viewers through Twitter. They will then proceed to read those nicknames repeatedly for a full minute.
- Any candidate that utters the words, “I’m the only one on stage who has…” will be slimed, courtesy of Nickelodeon.
- Moderators will be required to ask candidates at least one question on the subject of global warming that will be ignored in favor of the lobbing of personal insults.
- Although moderators are supposed to remain impartial, each will be given one free pass to put their head into their hands and sigh deeply.
- Instead of allowing the candidates to make closing statements, moderators will spend the last five minutes of the debate extending heartfelt apologies to any women, immigrants, Muslims, LGBT-identified individuals, or other members of minority groups watching the leading representatives of one of America’s main political parties.