PUT IT ALL ON RED

• Urinate on the enclosed stick
• Clean up drops of urine nervously splattered on toilet seat resulting from stress peeing
• Check stick despite absolute certainty that test is not finished yet
• Consider an appropriate public space to inform Jeff of your pregnancy where he has to remain calm and can’t run off like when you asked him to add you to his Netflix account
• Look around bathroom for a strand of Jeff’s hair for a DNA test just in case he does run
• Check stick again
• Pretend not to have been paying attention as an excuse to check one more time
• Hope that somehow Jeff can take better care of a baby than a goldfish
• Kick self for not keeping a bottle of wine in the bathroom
• Drink two thirds of a bottle of Scope instead
• Tell self you lost track of time so you should check the stick again
• Convince self that Jeff is mature enough for this
• Convince self that self is mature enough for this
• Put on Sweet Child of Mine and curl into fetal position on bathroom floor
• Check timer to discover there are still 53 seconds left
• Check stick anyway
• Remember time when Jeff forgot to take cookies out of the oven and blamed the disappearance of the cookies, the broken oven, and the smoke all on the dog
• Remember how he still sticks to that story and tries to leave the room as fast as possible whenever it comes up
• Watch YouTube clip of a baby tasting a lemon for the first time to remind yourself this is not necessarily a bad thing
• Google “youtube baby phenomenon make parent millionaire”
• Stare into space until timer goes off and then jump up so fast you almost smash the stick
• Check stick
  • If minus sign is present, dump Jeff’s dumb ass
  • If plus sign is present, finish bottle of Scope

-Melissa Chiasson and Jordy Greenblatt